A Long Obedience...

I read Eugene Peterson’s book, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction many years ago. I think a good friend recommended it to me then. I pulled it off my bookcase this afternoon to re-read it. I’m not sure what happened to my original copy, but as it turns out, Peterson made very few changes in the new edition. He wrote in the 20th Anniversary Preface: “I was prepared to do a lot of changing. I have done hardly any. It turns out that there are some things that don’t change. God doesn’t change: he seeks and saves. And our response to God as he reveals himself in Jesus doesn’t change: we listen and we follow. Or we don’t.”

That last line got me. we listen and we follow. Or we don’t. Sit with that for a moment. What flashes before your mind? It probably wasn’t a memory of your immediate, unwavering obedience. More likely it was a time that you willfully disobeyed and suffered the consequences. I can relate.

If you read my previous blog entry you know the story of my “delayed obedience” in writing my most recent book. I refer to it as the book I never intended to write. But God has a way of moving us out of our complacencies, excuses, or out and out rebellion. Remember Jonah’s whale story? In fact, this was not the first time I ran the other way when God asked me to write. It was in 2000 that God was nudging me to write another book. I resisted the “call’” for more than a year. In 2001 my husband, Don and I were staying the weekend in a friend’s desert home in California. We decided to attend a local church on Sunday. We knew no one there, but made our way into the sanctuary sitting among about 200 people. The sermon text for that morning was Jonah 3. The pastor made some introductory remarks and then read Jonah 3:1 which says: “Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah a second time.” As clearly as I heard the pastor read those words, I heard the Lord say within my spirt three simple words- write the book. This time I obeyed and the book which was titled Unclaimed Baggage: Dealing with Your Past on the Way to a Stronger Marriage was authored by my husband, Don and me and published in 2003 by Navpress. I still have the Bible that I brought to that Sunday morning service and beside Jonah 3:1 I penned a memorial stone-book, summer 2000.

What I’ve learned over the last 58 years of being a believer and follower of Jesus is that His call is always for our good and for His glory. He asks us to partner with Him, not to produce for Him. When we partner with Him we are co-laborers as well as recipients. His gracious presence spurs us on and endows us with riches we could not have anticipated.

This latest book has finally been completed and is awaiting publication. I have no idea what is going to happen with it. But, what I do know is this: Jesus once again has taken me back, in order to move me forward. His tenacious love for this broken woman’s life has triumphed once again! To Him be all glory and praise!

Stay tuned!!

Where have you been? Where are you now?

Let me answer both of those questions for you, before I ask you to respond to them.

You may have noticed the date of my last blog entry was on February 25, 2021. It has been 16 months, so you might be wondering what’s been going on in my life. For starters, I have been writing a book I never intended to write. Why? Because when my husband, Don and I moved up to Northern California 5 years ago, I told God I was content to retire.

We moved from Southern California to Northern California to be near our youngest daughter, Kellie and her family. This all came about when Kellie and Rob were visiting us and wanted to talk about the future. They explained they’d been talking about us and wanted us to know they were committed to taking care of us as we aged. My first reaction to their pronouncement was “am I really looking that old?”

Further discussion led us to sell our home in Southern California, the place we’d lived all our married life, and buy a home 4 miles from Kellie and family. We were convinced the time was right because we were relatively healthy and active and we really wanted to spend quality time with our two darling granddaughters. So in July 2017 we said good-bye to our dearest friends, the church we’d been a part of for 32 years, and all of Don’s siblings who lived in Southern California. It was bittersweet, but we’re thankful we took the leap.

Shortly after our move, I felt God nudging me to write again. I immediately dismissed the thought telling God I was content and didn’t need to write another book. I said I really don’t have anything else to say.

Fast forward two years. One day in my quiet time, I felt God’s Spirit nudging me again to write. I gave Him my standard reply, “Lord, I don’t need to write another book.” In my inner spirit I heard Him very clearly say, “I know you don’t need to write one, but I’m asking you to write one.”

I wish I could tell you that I went directly to my computer and words started flowing. That did not happen. I started doing what I had done with my previous 6 books. I started praying for God to give me an outline of the chapters which He’d always done in the past. Several months went by and no outline floated down from heaven. I asked several friends to pray and I was sharing with a friend my frustration over God’s lack of cooperation. She said, “Jan, what if God wants to do it differently this time?” I said, “I don’t know how to write without an outline—He’s always given me one.” She just looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well, I guess you’re just going to have to trust Him.”

So, that’s where i’ve been—writing a book I never intended to write.

So, where am I now? I’m in the process of seeking out publication for the book I never intended to write.

I’m not going to give it away at this point, but I will tell you it’s about the hope I want to offer to the next generations. It’s about the faithfulness of God throughout this journey called life, in spite of my resistance, rebellion, and reticence.

I would appreciate your prayers and I am looking forward to seeing what only God can do!

"Break my heart, Lord..."

I found myself praying this today. The original quote by Bob Pierce is: “Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God.”

This afternoon as I was sitting in the sunshine at my favorite lunch spot reading John Ortberg’s book, Soul Keeping (for the third time this year), I spontaneously cried out from my soul to God…”break my heart, Lord for what breaks Yours.” It’s a risky prayer.

What if God really did break your heart with the things that break His? What would that look like in your life? How would it change your everyday existence? Would it cause you to crumble beneath the weight of a heavy burden? Would it prevent you from going outside so as not to visually encounter anymore pain or loss in the world? Would it overwhelm you to the point that you couldn’t hear or see one more tragic story unfold on the Internet or television broadcast?

To tell the truth, I think it could do any of the above—if we let it. Today I was asking God for more. More of His love, compassion, and heart for the broken, so it would further mobilize me to respond to those all around me. What became strikingly clear, as I sat by myself at lunch, was the people around me. What breaks God’s heart the most is seeing the people He deeply loves in pain. People are God’s highest priority. He wants people to be our priority as well. To be honest, sometimes I lose my focus. I’ve had a particular burden for those who have suffered brokenness, heartache, and devastation from sexual abuse/assault. I’ve been writing and speaking about this topic for over 30 years and ministering to people all over the globe who’ve needed hope. It has been the joy of my life to share my own story of sexual abuse as a child and the arduous journey God brought me through to be whole again.

A couple years ago, I was reflecting on my life and thanking God for all He had done. He took the deep pain of a little girl whose life was ravaged by someone else’s sin, and “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand” writes the Psalmist in Psalm 40. After thanking God, I said to Him, “Thank you, Lord! I’ve had a good life. There’s nothing else I need to do. I’m happy to retire.” I was sure God would agree—case closed. He didn’t. I heard Him internally say, “I’m not done with you yet. I have more for you to do.”

I was totally caught off guard. He then said, “I want you to write another book.” I did not run to my computer, but instead said, “Lord, I’m old and I’m tired and I don’t know that I have anything more to say.” His invitation persisted while I resisted. Finally, after nearly two years of avoidance, I surrendered.

Had anyone told me I’d be writing a new book at 66 years old, I would have said they were crazy. But here I am in the midst—all for the sake of the love of a God whose heart breaks for those whose hearts are broken.

So dear friends, I’m humbled once again by the relentless love of God—whose heart breaks for those who are broken and who has graciously invited me to partner with Him in bringing them hope.

I invite you to pray along with me—”break my heart, Lord for what breaks Yours.”

Something from the Past...

I was out in my garage looking through some files and came across this article from Spring of 1993! When I first saw the picture with my two daughters and I sitting together, I had a hard time remembering exactly when and where that picture was taken. I’d totally forgotten about this article.

But, as I read through it, I thought about the many women and children in our world today who could resonate with what I wrote back then.

I felt tremendous guilt all during this time, assuming in my child’s mind that the abuse was somehow my fault. To shore up my damaged self-esteem, I threw myself into over-achieving.

But there was another area, besides my self-esteem, in which I saw the effect of the abuse—and that was in relationships. All through high school I found myself attracted to emotionally abusive young men. That was followed by a period where I was far away from the Lord and dated men twice my age. I didn’t recognize the pattern, I was just looking for love. But I often ended up in very unhealthy relationships.

It wasn’t until years later, after obtaining therapy and growing in my understanding of abuse and its impact, that I understood. I could then have compassion for myself and other women who’ve travelled the same road. Today, I want them to know there is HOPE. We don’t have to continue down that road. I’ll be sharing more in the weeks and months to come about what I’ve discovered in my own life and others’ lives about finding hope and freedom beyond abuse.

I hope you’ll join me!

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The Pandemic of Sexual Harassment & Abuse in our Culture Rages On

Some of you know that I’m writing a new book. I’ve spent the last few months reading books, listening to podcasts, watching the news, and researching. While we are in the midst of the CO-vid pandemic, we’ve been required to face its reality daily as we wear our masks, limit our comings and goings, and spend more time inside our homes than normal. We have the awareness of the “virus” continually before our eyes.

But there is another pandemic we try to avoid looking at and dealing with. It’s the pandemic of sexual harassment, assault, and abuse that is running rampant in our culture and around the globe. Now that we’re no longer inundated with the stories of Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Larry Nassar, there’s a tendency to minimize the problem. It’s is difficult issue to keep in the forefront of our minds because we feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

But, because its an issue I’ve been speaking and writing about for over 30 years, it’s always on my mind. But, probably not in the way you think. I am acutely aware these days of the need to care for those who’ve been touched by this pandemic. I want them to know there is HOPE. I know because I’ve been there. And I want others to join me in sharing that HOPE.

Stay tuned. More to come….

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The "Latter Rains"

Many of you know that we moved 2 1/2 years ago from Southern California to Northern California to be near our youngest daughter and her family. We have two precious granddaughters ages 5 and 2. It was a “big” move to say the least. We’d lived our whole married life in Southern California and had deep roots in our church, with family and friends. My husband, Don was very well connected in the “basketball” world as he’d coached for 40 years in Orange County where we lived.

Without going into the whole story, God just made it clear to us that we were to pull up roots and leave a home we’d lived in for 24 years and a community that we’d raised our daughters in and weather that we loved! I’m a native Southern California girl who loved the beach. As a couple we’d often drive 25 minutes to Newport Beach where we’d walk along the boardwalk to get exercise and just to feel the ocean breeze waft through our hair and fill our nostrils.

When we finally settled in our new home, reality set in. We’d left our home, dear friends, and life as we knew it. Our first winter in Nor Cal, (the new term we learned after our move), was an adjustment. The fall was breathtaking with red, orange, and yellow leaves that decorated the 4 mile drive to our daughter’s house. It’s my favorite season here, but it only lasts a short time. Then, we are met with the rainy season that lasts far too long for this SoCal girl!

After we were all settled in and adjusted to our new normal, I was grateful for God’s leading us here. I was feeling content, though I wasn’t sure what God had for me here. One day, while spending time with God I thanked Him for the full life I’d had in SoCal; for the ten years of teaching Bible study at our church, for the countless friendships and women who’d become like sisters to me over the years, for deep connection in ministry, in my private practice as a therapist for over 25 years, and the traveling and speaking I’d done across the United States, Europe, and Asia. As I concluded my time with God, I thanked Him for all the years He’d blessed me and used me. How faithful He’d been to take my brokenness as a sexual abuse survivor, to restore and redeem me and allow me the privilege of sharing my story and the healing process He had taken me through to peoples from all different walks of life. I’m still in awe of what He has done. I closed my conversation that day by saying, “Lord, thank you. There’s nothing more I need to do. I’m content to retire.” I thought it was all settled.

Shortly after my “pronouncement”, God had something to say: “Who said anything about retiring? I’m not done with you yet. I have more for you to do!”

I wish I could tell you I said, “Really Lord? What do you have planned for me? I’m all in!” I didn’t say that. I said, “Lord, I’m getting old and I’m tired. I’m really happy to just retire.” He then reminded me of something I’d prayed early in my adult life—”Lord, I want to be like Caleb in the Bible—as strong at 85 as I was at 40!” Where was that woman now? Then He brought something else to mind. He simply said, “Remember the latter rains.”

I had done a message in 2000 called “Waiting for the Latter Rains.” It was based on Hosea 6:3:

Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter (former) rains, like the spring (latter) rains that water the earth. NIV (KJV)

I can’t really explain why this verse seemed to resonate with me the first time I read it, but it did. As I studied that verse and others in Scripture that mentioned the former and latter rains, this is what I learned:

Former rains- fall between October/November prepares the soil for seed—a sign to the farmer to start ploughing/planting.

Latter rains- fall between March/April recognized as God’s blessing-brings the grain to head—bursts forth the harvest.

You may be wondering if I got this wrong—it seems backwards. You have to remember this is based on the Jewish calendar.

As God reminded me of this teaching, He seemed to be saying to me that He knows where I am. He knows that I see my life declining as I am in my “latter” years, but His ways are not always our ways. He seemed to be saying, “Child, I have more for you to do…there is harvest that I am going to burst forth in and through your life, but you must walk with Me and trust Me to bring it forth.”

So here I am. Retirement is no longer on my radar—I can’t be like Caleb if I am not wholeheartedly surrendered to His purposes. I hope you will come along with me on this journey! It’s bound to be full of surprises and growth spurts. I’m not sure where it will take us…but I am sure that the “Lord of the harvest will burst it forth” for our good and His glory!

I’m all in—how about you?

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Open Letter to Lady Gaga-Response to Her Interview with Oprah

Dear Lady Gaga,

I know you will probably never read this letter, but I was compelled to write it after seeing your interview with Oprah on YouTube on January 8, 2020.

I was deeply moved by your willingness to be open and vulnerable about your health issues. My heart went out to you as you talked about your excruciating physical pain and its connection to the rape you experienced at 19. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and the debilitating emotional and physical pain that has accompanied it.

I am so proud of you for having the courage to speak openly about your experience because there are so many who are still suffering in silence and shame over what has happened to them in their past. Forgive me for sounding so motherly, but I really am old enough to be your mother! I’m so sorry that you had no safe place to take your pain at 19.

I’m writing this letter largely because my 35 year old daughter, Kellie called me the other day saying, “Mom, you have to listen to this podcast of Oprah’s interview with Lady Gaga. Everyone is talking about it and Lady Gaga shared about her abuse and the effects it had in her life. Mom, it’s time. You’ve been talking about these things for over 30 years, but now, people are listening.”

It’s true. I am a therapist and have been speaking and writing about sexual abuse recovery for over 3 decades. But, it was not just my clinical practice that gave me the credibility to address this topic. I am also a sexual abuse survivor. Your story is such a powerful example of something I’ve been teaching audiences about for years. When educating them about the impact of abuse and trauma, I have often said that God never intended our bodies to be containers for deep emotional pain or unresolved trauma. He gave us our emotions to be able to express our feelings and give voice to the hurt, betrayal, and trauma we’ve experienced. When we hold the unspoken trauma inside, it begins to work degenerative processes in our bodies and we suffer such things as: IBS, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus disease, Migraines, and Multiple Sclerosis just to name a few. Don’t get me wrong—this is not to say that everyone diagnosed with one of the above is a survivor of sexual abuse or trauma. But, what I am saying is that over these years I’ve seen an inordinate number of women who’ve experienced abuse also suffer from these and other physically debilitating conditions. The good news is, I’ve also witnessed those whose physical conditions seem to improve as they begin to give voice to their experiences and learn to grieve through the layers of loss in their lives. There is power and healing that accompanies expression and vulnerability, both for us and for others.

Lady Gaga, I want to thank you for your sincerity and commitment to fund research and innovation in the mental health field. We are complex beings, made in the image of God and there is so much to learn about how we are made and the purpose for which we were made. May God continue to use you and your life to bring hope and encouragement to many.

May God bless you!

Jan Frank, Licensed MFT, fellow survivor

“Behold, God desires truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part He will make me know wisdom.” Psalm 51:6

https://youtu.be/f8iNYY7YV04

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What Makes Mother's Day So Complicated? What Makes Father's Day So Different?

We just celebrated Mother’s Day this month. How was it for you? For some people, men and women alike, it can be complicated. Feelings sometimes emerge out of left field with no warning at all. They can include anger, disappointment, longing, joy, abandonment, jealousy, loneliness and confusion just to name a few. Why is this holiday, which is supposed to be a joyful celebration fraught with such complication?

For many of us, it brings up feelings that have been buried, never acknowledged, or seen as inconsequential until Mother’s Day approaches, arrives, or leaves us wanting. I remember well the first Mother’s Day I experienced after my mother’s death in 2012. I became acutely aware of a feeling I’d never experienced or articulated before: I’m an orphan. The sheer word made me shudder a bit. How could I feel such a thing this late in my life! I immediately tried to downplay it by trying to talk myself out of it. “You’re in your 60’s what did you expect?” But no amount of self-talk could quell the stark reality of what I was feeling: I’m alone in the world without my mom.

Some of us feel this same feeling even when our mothers are still alive. We long for connection that just isn’t there. We recognize we have felt like an “emotional orphan” most of our lives. Was there something so wrong with me that caused her not to want me? We wrestle with deep feelings of inadequacy, bewilderment, and self-worth.

If you have struggled with any of these feelings you are not alone. The first step is just to acknowledge that your feelings exist and to accept them. The next step is often the hardest. It is to allow yourself to feel the loss and grief of not having your mom or the kind of relationship that you wish you would have had. The final step is to be creative. Do something different. It may mean connecting with an older woman you admire and spending time with her. It might include having lunch, going shopping, discussing a book you’ve read recently or taking an unhurried walk in nature. It may mean being intentional with your own children whether they are young children or are now adults. Create some new memories and celebrate who they are and who you have become.

Finally, give yourself time. The steps above are not quick fixes. You may find it beneficial to journal, talk with a trusted friend or see a counselor. They will take a process of time but I promise it will be well-worth the investment, both for you and those you love.

With Father’s Day approaching, I hope you will begin thinking about your feelings, frustrations, expectations, losses and desires in advance so that you are not blindsided. For some, Father’s Day evokes a very different set of feelings than those they experience at Mother’s Day. Stop for a minute right now and think about your father. What images, words or memories come immediately to mind? How do you feel about what came to your mind?

For me, when I think about my father it’s a mixed bag. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I had little relationship with my biological father growing up. My mother remarried when I was 8 so I was raised by my step-father who later abused me. It took years for me to come to grips with the “longing” I had for a father who genuinely loved me. I was abandoned by my biological father and abused by my step-father.

My step-father, however, played a significant role in my religious upbringing. We began attending church as a family and at the very young age of 10, I gave my heart to Jesus. For the first time in my life, I felt genuinely loved and secure. That decision was life-changing. It did not immediately heal all the hurts and disappointments I carried as a child and on into adulthood. It was the beginning of learning what it was like to have a Father in heaven who deeply loves me, desires to be in relationship with me, and calls me His own.

Maybe like me, you’ve never known the deep love of a father. As Father’s Day approaches it stirs in your heart such a longing to be loved and adored. I understand. There’s more to my story that I am anxious to tell you about. But for now, know that the healing of the “father wound” is a process and it requires your honesty, vulnerability, and willingness.

Take some time to write out your feelings and longings. Ask God for help. Share with a trusted friend or counselor and begin the journey today. I’m with you and I’m praying for you!

Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators: Part V

In today's final post in this series, we're going to talk about how to react and offer support should your child or some other child disclose abuse.

Make a Plan: Learn where to go, whom to call, and how to react.*

If your child breaks and arm or runs a high fever, you know to stay calm and where to see help because you've mentally prepared yourself. Reacting to child sexual abuse is the same. Your reactions have a powerful influence on vulnerable children, so be prepared! Know the number to contact in your city, county, or state regarding reporting abuse of minors.

Don't Overreact!

A key to a child victim's prognosis is how well a trusted family member reacts to disclosure.

When you react to disclosure with anger, disbelief, or out of control emotions the response of a child may be to:

• Shut-down
• Change their story even though abuse is still occurring
• Feel more guilt & shame
• Change their account if there are too many probing questions

Questions/comments to avoid:

• "Why didn't you tell me before now?"
• "Did you tell the abuser 'no,' scream, run" etc.
• "So-and-so would never do that!"
• "You must have done something to cause this"

Offer Reassurance and Support:

Think through your response before you suspect abuse. In doing so, you'll be able to respond in a more supportive, calm, and helpful manner.

• Believe child and make sure they know it.
• Praise the child's courage and thank them for telling you.
• Tell them this was not their fault.
• Encourage child to talk but don't ask leading questions or try to elicit too much detail. Use open-ended questions such as "what happened next?"
• Assure child that it's YOUR responsibility to protect him or her and that you'll do all you can.
• Report or take action in all cases of suspected abuse inside or outside the immediate family. Don't try to handle yourself!
• Don't panic. Sexually abused children who are believed, receive support and psychological help can and do heal.
• Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child's healing and to any criminal prosecution.
• Contact National Children's Alliance at 1-800-239-9950 or National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD for information or to talk to staff specifically trained to deal with suspected child sexual abuse.

Finally, I will leave you with two quotes. The first, I quoted in the beginning of this series from Dr. Jim Hopper of Harvard:

"It's so important that adults take responsibility for this [reporting suspected abuse], so that it doesn't depend on the courage of the child."

The second quote is from Jesus of Nazareth:

“But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones [children] who believe in Me—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone[a] were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea! Woe to the world because of offenses. For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes." Matthew 18:6-7 (HCSB)