How to Stop Enabling Your Adult Children and What to Expect

In my last post, we talked about how enabling our adult children often produces a surprising result: contempt. We also talked about the steps an enabling parent must be committed to if there is going to be any change. The good news is that you, as a parent, can make a change if you're willing to stick to it. The bad news is that your adult children won't welcome your new resolution. This is where it becomes difficult. Most adult children who have been enabled have developed grandiose entitlement. They will strongly protest your new found commitment. Don't let this deter you. Just know this will happen and get some support to help you weather this season. You can be assured that your adult child's situation will become dire, at least as portrayed by them, and sometimes in reality. Don't waiver. You can express empathy for their situation, but you must stay the course for your sake as well as theirs.

Do you remember what it was like as a parent to have to cause your child some physical pain in order to help them? I remember it well. While playing outside one day, one of our daughters came in crying. She was only about six and was holding up her hand to show me her injury. She fell on our wooden deck and a large splinter was wedged in her one of her little fingers. It was so embedded that tweezers alone would not work. I sterilized the area and a needle and had to go to work. Her screams were excruciating. I kept trying to reassure her that mommy was sorry but this procedure was necessary. Words were useless. The only thing that worked was staying committed to removing that splinter even with her resistance and continual protests.

The same is true when it comes to changing enabling patterns. You must be stalwart in your efforts and utterly convinced that this method is the only plausible possibility for a healthy future relationship with your adult child. If you can weather the protests, name calling, anger, blaming, and crises that often accompanies this initial stage, there is hope both for you and for your adult child.

Remember that the contempt your adult child exhibits is partly a result of knowing they "should be a productive, independent, responsible adult." If you stay committed to stop enabling them you are doing your part and providing an opportunity for them to do theirs. There is no other way--but there are no guarantees. You can only do your part, you cannot do theirs.

One final admonition comes from one of our family's heroes:

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
― John Wooden

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew...Part 4: Dealing with Contempt

In my last post I talked about how enabling/rescuing your adult children often breeds contempt. Over the years I've spoken with many parents who are mystified by their adult children's contemptuous response. I hear incredulity in their voice, anger with their adult child's ingratitude, desperation as to the future, and confusion over what went wrong. You might share in their struggle to understand how "helping" your adult child[ren] can lead to contempt.

Why would an adult child who has asked for your "help" repeatedly, end up feeling contempt toward you? What possible reason could they have for responding this way after all that you have done for them? In my counseling practice, I sat with many parents who couldn't understand where they'd gone wrong.  Many were heartbroken. Some were angry. Others were desperate. Most were mystified. How did this happen?

Most adult children know deep down inside that part of being an adult means they should be productive, independent, and responsible. When parents repeatedly enable their children, even when asked to do so, the adult child feels an unspoken unconscious fear that is shame producing. That unidentified shame is the source of their contempt. They want your "help", but at the same time, they resent you for giving it.

This doesn't mean that we don't help our adult children at times. Enabling is when we do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves. When parents enable or rescue their adult child[ren] repeatedly, it is often difficult to break the cycle. 

So what does a parent do? First, the parents must be committed to change. They must "own" responsibility for their part. They often need the help of a counselor or support group to provide accountability, encouragement, and on-going support, but it rarely works if only one parent is committed to the process. Second, the parents need to have a genuine, honest conversation with their adult child. They must take responsibility for their role in enabling and express a sincere apology. They need to acknowledge that this pattern of enabling has been destructive to the development of a healthy relationship and been hurtful to all parties involved. Third, the parents must be clear that they are committed to changing and that they will no longer step in to provide help. Then, they must actually do what they said they would do. They understand that this new stance may result in disappointment and upheaval but they are willing to risk that for the sake of having a healthier adult to adult relationship sometime in the future.

What can parents expect in response to this new found commitment? Stay tuned for my next post to find out!

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew...Part 3

"We must stop trying to change their behaviors by making choices for them and by shielding them from the painful consequences of their actions or inaction. We cannot change them. However, we can change ourselves--and that is where we must begin." Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke

The above quote is NOT something you will hear directly from your adult child. But, it doesn't mean that on some level they don't know it's true. In fact, you may hear the opposite. You may hear how much they want and need your help in dealing with their current crisis. This is especially true, if you have previously stepped in to "manage" or "help" them solve their predicament. But, if you do end up rescuing them, you will experience something from them you never anticipated.

What is it? CONTEMPT. If you don't believe me, just ask a parent you know who has repeatedly rescued or enabled their adult child[ren]. Contempt is a "feeling or attitude with which a person regards anything or anyone with disdain or scorn; to be despised or dishonored." It is something most parents who "help" their adult children are surprised by when it occurs.

• "Why do they treat me this way after they've begged me to help them?"
• "How can they speak so disrespectfully to me when, without me they'd be in a serious mess!
• "I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't help him- but I'm also afraid of what will happen if I do!"
• "I can't believe she talks to me the way she does. One minute she's verbally vomiting all over me and the next minute she's asking me for a favor!"
• "I just don't get it. How can she look at me with such disgust after all I've sacrificed for her!"

If you've ever been on the receiving end of contempt it scorches the fabric of your worth. Most of us have felt it at least once, or we recognize it when we see it on the news. But, to experience it from our children is excruciating. How does this happen?

I heard an interview several years ago on Focus on the Family on parenting. Dr. James Dobson was talking about the need for "tough love" at times with our children. Then he said something like "when you rescue or enable your adult children it breeds contempt." He explained that he saw this scenario replayed on countless occasions and witnessed the confusion of heartbroken parents. 

I too, have witnessed it up close and personal. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was enabling my oldest daughter when she was an adolescent. At the time I thought I was helping, but in reality I was crippling her. It was in small ways like lecturing her about her homework or running out to get something for a project she'd put off until the last minute. In many ways, I didn't want her to fail so I took on the emotional responsibility to make sure she wouldn't. I stepped in to "help out" when I should have allowed her to experience the consequences. I didn't know how to show empathy for her situation, while at the same time letting her make her own decisions and face the consequences that resulted. 

I wish I'd read the above quote from Allison Bottke earlier.

Stay tuned to my next post to find out what a parent can and should do when they feel contempt from their adult children.

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew... Part 2

I love being a grandparent! Our youngest daughter and her family live about seven hours away from us, so it takes more than just a quick call and a drive across town to see them. I try to visit every couple months and end up spending a few days with them. Our grand baby is now walking, or more accurately, running around the house at 15 months. She's a very active, verbal little girl who seems to always want new and different things to explore. Nana is happy to accommodate!

On my last visit, my daughter Kellie said, "Mom, I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure honey, what is it?" I asked.

"Well, you know we love you to spend time with us, and Averie loves it when you're here" she said. "But, after you left last time, it took me a week to get Averie back to the place where she didn't want constant attention. Mom, I want you to sit and play with her because I know that's part of being a Nana, but I don't want you to do it all the time. After you left last time, she whined whenever I left the room. She had to re-learn how to play by herself without my undivided attention."

"Oh honey, I understand. I'll try my best to be more balanced" I said reassuringly.

"Also, Mom, don't pick up Averie when she's whiny. We're trying not to reinforce that. We just try to pat her or verbally reassure her, but not to pick her up when she whines."

I knew this was reasonable and even warranted, but all I could see in my mind's eye was my sweet little grand daughter with arms lifted looking longingly into my eyes saying "Please Nana, pick me up!" I realized in that moment that I'd come face to face with my limits. I am not the parent, I am the grand parent. And although there are great benefits to being a grand parent who can lavish love, patience, undivided attention, toys, kisses, tickles, and make-believe play, I have limits as defined by her parents. I also have a choice to honor those limits or to ignore them.

What do your adult children want you to know? They want you to know they love and appreciate all you do for them and their children, but they also want you to respect their decisions when it comes to the welfare of their children, your grandchildren.*

*excludes any parental practices that are legally defined as abusive

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew, But Are Afraid to Tell You

I have had unique opportunities to spend significant time with men and women who are similar in age to my own adult children. I’ve learned a lot from them in the process.

In my next few posts, I will be sharing some of what I’ve learned and tried to implement in my own relationships. I want you to know from the outset that I haven’t done this perfectly, as my daughters will attest! But, I do have a heart for these younger adults who genuinely long to have a healthy relationship with their parents, but find it difficult in light of their parents’ expectations.

One of the first areas that these young adults talked with me about was what they should do about the holidays. Many couples expressed considerable stress and anxiety over not wanting to disappoint their respective families, but were conflicted about what was best for them as a family and what their families expected from them. I distinctly remember one couple with three children expressing their dread for the upcoming holidays. The husband’s parents were divorced and both had remarried and lived two hours away and the wife’s parents lived locally. They were sharing with me their angst over spending their entire Christmas between the three houses.

“If you could do what you wanted to do Christmas day” I asked. “What would you do?"

Without hesitation they said in unison, “We’d stay home with our kids.”

“So, why don’t you do that?” I asked. They looked at me dumb-founded.

“Our parents would never go for that idea” the husband declared.

“Have you ever told your parents that you’d like to stay home with your kids and start your own tradition?” I queried.

“No,” the wife said, “but they’ve all made it clear that their holidays would be ‘meaningless’ without getting to see the grandchildren."

We continued talking and I asked them both to think about having a conversation with their respective parents to express their wishes. At first, they couldn’t imagine it, but after awhile, we talked about some alternatives. Could they arrange to visit the husband’s parents who lived out of town on a weekend prior to Christmas or ask them to come down the day after Christmas? Could the wife’s parents who lived locally come over on Christmas eve to share in their grand children’s excitement and open one gift from them that evening? We talked about several possibilities and the more we talked the more relaxed and hopeful they became.

So, if you’re a parent of adult children here’s a gift you can give them:

Respect their decisions regarding where they spend the holidays and enjoy whatever time you spend with them.

It’s the best gift you can give them!

Do You Have a Heart Condition?

We have several fruit trees in our backyard and recently I've noticed a few things: leaves on the grapefruit tree are curling and it appears to be have some type of disease or infestation; the plum tree looks brittle; and my favorite lemon tree is dying. We acquired these trees (and more) when we moved into our home 22 years ago. In fact, one thing I'd pray for was to have a lemon tree in our yard.

Fast forward to 2015. Here in California we're experiencing a drought and we've had to get serious about conservation. We're on a strict watering schedule imposed by the county and we've tried to cut down our water usage drastically.

Although I'm anything but a gardener, it's been difficult for me to watch my roses' blooms wither and the fruit on our lemon tree look sickly. I've heard from other gardeners that roses and fruit trees often need a deep soaking. Here's what one gardening site says:

When watering roses, you'll want to do deep watering, so your roses develop deep roots.

Not only will this anchor the plants in place, but a deep-growing root system will help the plants survive a drought.

Citrus trees prefer deep watering sessions compared to shallow and frequent watering. Each time you water a mature tree, the soil should be moist down 36 inches.

I attempted a deep watering but discovered quickly that the soil around the base of the lemon tree was so hardened that the water ran off, providing little hydration. The roses fared better due to the mulch surrounding each rose bush. When I first planted my rose bushes, I was told to surround them with mulch, but I didn't know all the benefits. Here's what I learned:

Mulch does a number of wonderful things for your rose bushes. It can help deter weeds, prevent moisture loss, cool the soil structure on hot summer days and, as it decomposes, provide nutrients to the soil beneath.

You are probably wondering by now, what this has to do with the title of this blog! My closest friends know that I am an "experiential learner." God often speaks to me through experiences. He seemed to be saying to me that I was a lot like my lemon tree--the soil in my heart was hardened and the fruit of my life was drying up. I wasn't immediately sure what was causing this condition, but I knew this was accurate. It especially hit home with me when I was trying to "soak" the lemon tree and the soil couldn't absorb it. I was reminded of the scripture in Ephesians about the "washing of water by the Word." Even though I was reading my Bible most days, I was not "soaking it in." I was reading the Word, but not taking the time to allow the Word to "read me." I spent little time meditating on what I read and no time asking the Spirit to "read into my heart and motives." I was checking Bible reading off my list.

What I soon discovered after soaking the rose bushes is that the blooms looked healthier and were more numerous than before. When I read about the benefits of mulch, the Spirit seemed to underscore the lesson. It struck me that mulch seems to work in soil much like the Spirit of God works within our hearts. If we have trusted in Jesus, the Spirit lives inside of us. But, the Spirit is the third Person of the Trinity, and as a Person (not a force or an "it") He desires an interactive relationship.

So what was the lesson of the lemon tree and the rose bushes for me? Two things became clear: I needed a "deep soaking" in God's Word. I needed to spend time meditating, listening, interacting with the text, asking God's Spirit to speak into my heart and expose any hardened places; I also needed to confess some areas of pride, self-righteousness, judgment, envy, and some other "weeds" I had allowed to creep into my heart affecting my "fruitfulness." 

Maybe you can relate. How's the soil of your heart? What kind of fruit are you bearing? Are you in need of a "deep soaking?" Take a few minutes some time today and ask the Spirit of God to help you take a "heart condition" inventory. He is always a willing participant. We simply need to ask.

Take a Time-Out

I was just channel surfing on my television and happened to catch a short segment of Supernanny. I loved watching it a few years ago when it was more popular than it is today. If you've never seen it, Jo Frost, is a Brit with a lovely accent and offers practical tools to parents whose children are unruly or totally out of control. Jo goes into a home with a camera crew and observes the family's interaction, then returns to discuss with the parents what she sees and what is needed to correct and improve their behavior and relationship as a family.

One of the "tools" Jo often introduces is the "naughty step." Here is what Jo recommends:

When your child misbehaves or breaks one of the House Rules explain what she’s done wrong, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and warn her that if she behaves in the same way again, she’ll be put on the Naughty Step. Make sure your voice remains calm, not angry, and use a low, authoritative tone.

If she misbehaves again, immediately put her on the Naughty Step. Explain clearly why she is there and how long she must stay there (one minute per year of her age).

I have to tell you something. I wish I had known about this technique when my children were young. NOT SO MUCH FOR MY CHILDREN, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, FOR MYSELF!

As I look back on my early parenting, I didn't utilize the TIME-OUT technique for me as a mother of two pre-schoolers. I needed to employ the technique in two distinct ways:

1.) A Time-out for calming my frustration and outbursts.

2.) A Time-out to rest and enjoy some solitude.

Although, I would employ these "time-outs" sporadically, I didn't utilize them as much as I wish I had. There were times I needed to give myself permission to pull myself away to gain my equilibrium and calm my frustrations. I came from a family of "over-reactors" and unfortunately, I followed suit. I didn't really have an older woman in my life who could give me reassurance or offer some practical tips. I just remember feeling alone and having to figure it out on my own. Even though I read a lot of books on parenting, I didn't know how to self-regulate or how to give myself grace when I blew it.

I also needed a time-out to be quiet and learn to rest. I know that may seem impossible when you have a baby and a pre-schooler running around, but I think it is something internal that I needed to cultivate. It is a rest that only comes as we learn to find our refuge in God. It's what Jesus invites us to do in Matthew 11:28:

Do you need a Time-out? Make it a priority and both you and your children will be blessed!

Develop a Routine

My mom liked a clean house. I learned very early how to clean a bathroom and keep my room tidy as a youngster. My mom lived in a mobile home for several years and even though she was up in years, her floors were scrubbed and everything was in its place. After she passed away in 2012 I took my camera to her modest mobile home to take pictures. It's going to sound a little crazy, but one of my favorite things in my mom's house, besides her neatly folded lingerie drawer, was a deep drawer in her kitchen. Inside was every size baggie imaginable. Each box containing the different baggie sizes was packed tightly together like a puzzle whose designer configured it with beauty and perfection. That was my mom! 

As fastidious as my mom was, I wasn't aware of a cleaning schedule or a daily routine. I know my mom must have had one in her mind, but all I remember as a teenager was our traditional household cleaning from top to bottom in preparation for dinner guests. In those days, there was an Ajax commercial on television that promoted their product as "the White Tornado." The "tornado" ripped through the house and made everything in its path sparkling clean. That is how I learned to clean house-starting from one end of the house to the other, thoroughly cleaning every room, from top to bottom.

Once I got married, I continued the "white tornado" approach to cleaning. After having children, I soon discovered that this approach was exhausting. In fact, whenever we entertained guests, I was so fatigued by the time they arrived I could barely enjoy the evening. It was about that time that I was reacquainted with Emilie Barnes and her book More Hours in My Day. Emilie taught seminars on how to approach household cleaning in an orderly routine. She recommended using a card file box similar to a recipe box and having dividers which designated daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly duties. I took her seminar and even ended up becoming one of her instructors in the early 80's. It was through her training, encouragement, and love that I got my life back. I was no longer overwhelmed but had a routine for keeping up my house that allowed for more freedom, not less. Emilie also provided examples of ways to incorporate the assistance of your children while making it fun and productive. 

If you feel overwhelmed by taking care of your children, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and trying to keep your household chores up, I'd encourage you to check out Emilie's system. It really made a huge difference in my life as a young wife and mother. Develop a routine--it will surprise you, and your family will thank you for it!

Play More...Work Less

My granddaughter Averie just turned one in August. My daughter and her husband took her to Target on her birthday and let her pick out a toy. She came home with a colorful plastic picnic basket equipped with a small tablecloth, plates, geometric shaped food items, cups and two big red forks. At first, she learned how to open the basket and remove all its contents as the "basket" repetitively echoed "open...close"..."open...close"..."open...close." After a day or two of getting acquainted with her new toy she was ready for advancement.

I said, "Averie let's have a picnic together!" We sat down and Nana laid out the 6 inch square checkered tablecloth on the family room floor along with the plates, cups and forks. My delectable food items included a square cheese sandwich, a triangle piece of watermelon, and a round cookie. Averie had before her a square cracker topped with cheese, a triangle slice of berry pie, and a round slice of an orange. 

I picked up my plastic watermelon, held it up to my mouth pretending to chew and said, "Mmm this watermelon is so good--it tastes so yummy!"

At first, Averie just looked at me curiously as if to say, "Nana, what are you doing?" I repeated my "taste testing" with all my other food items accentuating how delicious everything was. Then, I offered my plastic watermelon to Averie and she held it up to her mouth and mimicked "Mmm" and handed it back to me.

Averie and I had our first pretend picnic! Later that day, my husband Don commented how fun it is to watch the two of us play together. I immediately flashed back to times with my own daughters sitting on our living room floor with Barbies, clothes, accessories, and all manner of pink Barbie paraphernalia strewn about. It is something my girls remember to this day. My regret is that I didn't do it often enough.

If you're a younger mom, allow me to encourage you:

play more...work less

Yes, I know there are so many tasks to complete around the house. There's the laundry, mopping the floor, cleaning up the kitchen, going to the grocery store, planning and preparing dinner, errands to run, and cleaning yourself up so you look decent when your husband arrives home. I too, put a lot of pressure on myself to "get things done."

Now that my girls are grown, I have to say, I wish I'd spent less time with housework and more time playing pretend. The reality of life hits home sooner than we think.

Take some time today and play!