Enjoy the Now

Recently while at my daughter's home my granddaughter, Averie was having an emotional "melt down." Sometimes it's hard to figure out what is causing such distress when babies seem to cry for "no reason." Even though her tummy was full, her diaper was dry and she just woke up from a nap, there seemed to be nothing that would quell her crying. I took her in my arms, patted her back, spoke to her softly, and walked back and forth across the room multiple times while her screaming continued.

"Mom, how can you stay so calm when she's like this?" my daughter Kellie asked.

"Honey, I wasn't always this calm. When you and your sister were this way, it was a different story. I guess I'm just able at this point in life to relax and enjoy the now" I replied.

As I reflect back, I spent so much time as a young mom looking toward the next stage of my child's development that I sometimes missed what was right before my eyes. To be honest, I am not much of a "baby" person. I tend to enjoy the more interactive toddler stage. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. I'm not like some women who absolutely LOVE the baby stage. You know the type-the woman of any age who "ooohs" and "aaahs" over any baby she sees and rushes over to get a closer look or ask if she might hold the baby for just a moment, to get her fix. That was just not me.

When I became a Nana a year ago, everything changed. I was instantly transformed. Now, each stage is a gift and it just keeps getting better. Oh how I wish I could give young mothers the gift of enjoying the now. I wish I had savored each and every stage of my children's lives a little more instead of looking ahead.

I wonder, what "enjoying the now" might look like in your life? What is it that you enjoy right now in your child's life, your spouses or even your own life? Be specific. No matter what stage of life you may be in, there is something to enjoy. It takes only two ingredients: attentiveness and thankfulness. Give it a try--you'll be glad you did!

Two Words for a Mother and Her Children

As a young mom, I was eager to do things differently than my parents did with me. Some things were obvious-some less so. I was listening to Focus on the Family one day and heard Dr. Dobson interviewing Dr. Kevin Lehman. I'll never forget his answer to a simple question he was asked:

"If you could give parents only one piece of advice, what would it be?" asked Dobson. I remember waiting with baited breath to hear his answer. There was a thoughtful pause before Dr. Lehman answered.

                                        "Apologize when you are wrong."

His simple words were profound. They resonated deeply inside me and made an indelible impact. I experienced the kind of flashback of my entire life, commonly reported by those who are in a life-threatening situation. My entire childhood seemed to pass before my eyes void of even one experience of either of my parents apologizing to me. I desperately tried to remember a time when this happened because surely it must have. How could it not? And yet, there wasn't, at least that I can remember. From that moment on, I determined to do it differently with my children.

It started off quite simply, "Honey, mama is sorry for being so angry. This wasn't your fault. Mommy is reacting out of some of my own hurt. Please forgive me." It was followed by years of similar ownership with both my daughters. Sometimes I ended up apologizing multiple times a day, wondering if my words ricocheted off their ears failing to penetrate their hearts. It confirmed in my own heart how broken I was. As much as I did so many things different with my own children, I ended up hurting them anyway. Yes, I broke the cycle of abuse that had devastated my own life, but I wasn't the "model" mother that I so longed to be. 

Maybe you can relate. In recent years, I realize my expectations for myself were way out of proportion. I could give understanding and grace to others, but not to myself. I "should" have known better, I "should" have done better, I should have "been" better. I'm still hard on myself, but I'm learning how to embrace my human frailty with more compassion and grace.

My adult daughters would tell you that I apologized often during their growing up years and I continue to do so. I want them to experience their mom as one who was willing to own her mistakes and failures. I want to give them what I didn't have on so many levels, but I'm limited. I realized early on that I can't "do all and be all" they need. But, what I can do, is show them the same love, mercy and grace that I've been shown and trust Jesus to do the rest.

What's a Mother to Do?

I was talking to a young mom recently about things I learned as a mom with young children, and the things I wish I'd done better along the way. I know that each of us have a very unique experience when it comes to mothering. No two mothers are exactly alike and each child is one-of-a-kind, so all the best advice in the world cannot be administered in cookie-cutter fashion.

But, don't most of us as moms just wish that the advice we've received worked every time? As we listen to other moms, doesn't seem like they've got it together and we wonder why we're floundering? Why isn't mothering easier? Why are there so many variables that influence the outcome? What is a mother to do?

With all this said, I thought about some simple things I wanted to encourage young moms to do. Some of these things I was told by other moms, some I discovered on my own, and, all of them I failed to do at one time or another!

I remember as a young mom listening to a sermon by Pastor Chuck Swindoll on parenting. He admonished parents to say "yes" as often as they can. Don't misunderstand this--he wasn't advocating a liberal parenting style absent of structure and Biblical guidelines. He was just suggesting that we liberally affirm our kids' requests when they are within reasonable parameters for a child's age and stage in life.

I have to tell you that I couldn't believe I was hearing him correctly. I grew up in a home and church that claimed "NO" as their watchword! I remember as a child that there was always a "good reason" for my mother saying "no" to something. "It's too messy, too dangerous, too costly, too time-consuming, too much trouble, too unnecessary, too hard, too...too...too.!" So, as a child, I experienced "no" much more than I enjoyed "yes" as a child. Upon hearing this sermon, I determined as a young mom to grab hold of this and utilize it as much as possible.

I still remember one of the first times I felt caught in the middle of my new determination and the old "no" messages that rumbled in my mind. My daughters who were five and three at the time were playing in the kitchen and asked me if they could get out their Play-doh Fun Factory. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon and my first thought was "it's too messy!" I thought about the tiny bits of red, yellow, blue and pink play-doh strewn around my kitchen floor while I was trying to prepare dinner and get the table set and ready for my husband's arrival. Then, it flashed in my mind! "Say yes as often as you can!" I still remember how difficult it was to get that three letter word out of my mouth. I moaned that three letter word out in elongated form: "Yyyyyyyesssss!" I said to my girls and ran to the toy closet before my practicality could take over.

I was right--it made a multi-colored mess all over the floor. But, I can still hear my little girls squeal in delight as they showed me their shapes, the spagetti they made for dinner, and the play-doh animals that they saved to show their daddy that night. As I swept up the floor that afternoon I knew that "yes" was a milestone moment. Now as a Nana, I only wish I had said it more often!

Is My Anger Legitimate or Distorted?

"Distorted anger differs from definitive anger in one fundamental way. In definitive anger, there is always a wrong perpetuated; the anger is a response to this wrong. In distorted anger, a perceived wrong leads to anger--but the alleged wrong is only in your perception; there is no real wrongdoing." ANGER: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

In his book, Dr. Gary Chapman defines two kinds of anger: "definitive anger is born out of wrongdoing." Someone lies about us, steals from us, injures us, or in some way does us wrong. This kind of anger he says is valid anger. The second kind of anger he calls distorted anger and is triggered by dashed expectations, a grumpy mood, a disappointment or any number of things that have nothing to do with "any moral transgression." This kind of anger, is what Dr. Chapman calls invalid.

At first, I had trouble understanding the distinctions between the two. But, in the book Dr. Chapman offers a way to help distinguish which is which by asking a couple of questions. First, you must ask yourself: Was a wrong committed? (a violation of law or moral code); second, Do I have all the facts? An example may help here. Let's say my husband promises to pick me up from the auto dealer where my car is being serviced. He ends up showing up 45 minutes late without a call and I am angry. Is my anger valid? When I ask the question, was a wrong committed, I could answer "yes" because a promise was broken. But if I ask myself the next question, do I have all the facts, the answer to this question might be "no." In fact, I learn later from my husband that just before leaving our house, he noticed the sound of water running upstairs and discovered a water supply line was leaking all over the bathroom floor. So, before leaving, he had to make sure the water was turned off and he wanted to do some mopping up before he picked me up so I wouldn't have to do it. Hurrying out of the house, he forgot his cell phone and was unable to call me to let me know he would be late.

Now, I have to tell you that given the above scenario, I would probably still be angry because I would have expected my husband to call right after he discovered the water leak. But, that expectation alone, according to Dr. Chapman, would not justify definitive anger. As I really thought about these two types of anger, I realized that many times my anger is distorted rather than definitive because it has more to do with my perfectionism or unrealistic expectations of myself and others. This was eye-opening for me because I realized that much of my anger is fed by my own frustration or disappointment rather than wrongdoing.

So, how do I deal with my distorted anger according to Dr. Chapman? First, he says we need to approach the person with an attitude of "sharing information" and needing their help. Instead of me accusing my husband of "letting me down," "making me worry," or "breaking his promise," I use "I" messages to let him know how I'm feeling and solicit his help. For instance, "I'm feeling frustrated and I need your help." In this way, I'm owning my own feelings, without blaming him for them and I'm wanting to know more about the facts or situation that contributed to the circumstances. When I'm willing to do this, it helps to diffuse my own anger and give my husband the "benefit of the doubt" rather than making him the "bad guy" who let me down.

I have to tell you that this information is new to me. In fact, I initially resisted it when I first read the book. It took me a second reading to begin to embrace the differences of the two kinds of anger. I think it was partly because I reviewed the number of times I was "frustrated" with my husband over something that really stemmed from my own expectations rather than a moral failure or wrongdoing. I haven't even begun to look at the times this happened with my daughters growing up. I've decided not to dredge up a list, but instead try to work on changing my pattern in the future.

Can you relate at all? Are you like me when it comes to your anger? Do you find yourself making a case for why a person "should have" done it the way you would have done it? Or do you justify your anger by saying "I have made this very clear in the past! You just do this to irritate me!"

If you're really interested in looking at your anger, ask your spouse if he or she feels you have very high expectations. Ask how it feels when they sense they've disappointed you. Dare to  ask your kids what they think about themselves when you get angry.

Let me know what you think...is your anger legitimate most of the time or not?