The Peril of Pretending

If you haven't seen my podcast about dealing with difficult families, go to my Media page on my web-site now. The following post addresses the issue of "pretending" that I speak about briefly on the podcast.

Growing up in my family was the same. We went to church Sunday after Sunday looking like the "normal" Christian family while the foundations at home were being destroyed. My parents didn't set out to hurt or abuse us--they just did what they'd done most of their lives. They lived with secrets and shame that were never exposed to the light and the underground web of denial and pretense bore fruit in our family life.

I remember a specific incident as a teenager. When I was 16, I came home from school one day to find out from my mother that my stepfather was having an affair. I was beside myself. Not because I was shocked by his behavior, but because my mother was incapable or unwilling to address this. She confided in me, but forbade me to say anything to anyone. Now I was ensnared by the peril of pretending. I've found that once we become entangled in the perilous web of pretending, it is difficult to break free. There are usually lies upon lies or as presented "shades of the truth" that have existed for decades and no one dare try to break free because each member has in some way been complicit in the facade that exists.

The peril of pretending is that once you start, it's hard to stop. Do you find yourself caught in a similar web? Is it easier to "go with the flow" rather than deal with what is true? Did you know that you can break through this pattern today by choosing to deal with what is true in your own life? I'm not urging you to "blow the whistle" on anyone in your family or circle of friends. I'm saying that you are responsible for yourself. Is there something you've been pretending about for the sake of your image? your family? your Christian witness?

It's time to come clean. Jesus is waiting. He always dealt harshly with the "posers" of His day, but He had an abundance of grace for those who humbly came before Him, admitting who they really are.


How to Pull Out of a Nose-dive...

What image comes to your mind when you think of "taking a nose-dive?" Most of us probably think of an airplane--in fact, it was the number one answer of the people polled for the game show "Family Feud."

The dictionary defines a nose-dive as: 1) a very steep dive of an aircraft 2) a sudden, swift drop or plunge; a rapid decline.

My curiosity led me to ask the question: If you're in a nose-dive in a plane, what is the right way to respond? I read a pilot's response to this question and it intrigued me. He wrote: "Power to idle, level the wings, then bring the nose smoothly back to the horizon. Once back in controlled level flight, use power as needed."


I wonder how many of us experience an "emotional nose-dive" during or after the holidays? I have to be honest, I experienced a "sudden drop" myself this year. It was the first year that I can remember that neither of our daughters came home for Christmas. Although we saw them both at Thanksgiving, Christmas just wasn't the same. It was especially difficult because it was our grand baby's first Christmas! At four months old, she won't remember whether I was there or not, but I will!

Even though it was our decision not to make the trip to either daughter's location, I was surprised by my sadness on Christmas day and started second-guessing our decision! All the reasons we considered prior to making our decision seemed to fade away in the midst of my "nose-dive."

Another factor that contributed to my emotional plummeting was the death of someone very dear to me on December 23. My dear "spiritual mother", Dotty Stephenson, went home to be with the Lord on that day. Dotty was my 5th grade Sunday school teacher and has prayed for me for fifty years! Yes, since I was ten years old. She was the one I always called when I needed wisdom about my kids, ministry, or when I needed her faith-filled intercession. Every major speaking engagement over the last thirty years, was covered in prayer by my precious Dotty.

She suffered a massive stroke in October, leaving her paralyzed on one side of her body and  bed-ridden. I saw her a few weeks before she went Home and verbalized aloud the cry of my heart: "What am I going to do without you?" Her wit could not be dampened even on her deathbed. "I'm not gone yet!" she said with a wry smile.

So, here's what I learned about pulling out of an "emotional nose-dive" around the holidays:

  • Power down to idle: don't over-react or under-react. Take time to assess and think through your situation before acting. Recognize that you are at the controls and you need to "pull back" in order to respond appropriately to what is occurring.
  • Level the wings: stabilize your emotions. This does not mean to ignore or stuff your feelings, but it does mean to try to level them out. One of the best ways to do this is to journal, talk to a friend or spouse about what you're feeling, or sit down and do what David advised in Psalm 62:8; "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

  • Bring nose smoothly back to the horizon: focus on a fixed point beyond yourself that can give you perspective. It might take the form of gratitude; verbalizing to God and others what you have genuinely been thankful for this season. It might involve looking beyond your immediate situation to the blessings that lie ahead. It might involve looking back at all the ways God has been faithful in your life and choosing to focus on His character, His Word and His promises.

So, that's what I learned to do this Christmas. I learned to stop and assess accurately where I was emotionally. I didn't deny my feelings, nor did I let them plummet me toward depression. I was able to allow myself to "idle" for awhile instead of powering through like I'm so prone to do. As a result, I was ready to reach out to others to help me stabilize my emotions. I got out my journal and poured out my heart to God and I told my husband and a few friends about the sadness I was experiencing. It helped so much to allow others to "hold" me in my sorrow. And finally, I was able to fix my eyes on the goodness of God for all He had provided. I enumerated the blessings of the last year, spent time rehearsing how much I loved and benefited from Dotty's spiritual motherhood in my life, and reveled in what God promises in His Word is "yet to be."

Maybe you can't relate to having an "emotional nose-dive" this time of year. If so, be grateful--but also be prepared. The trouble with "nose-dives" is they often catch us off guard and we spin out of control. Don't let that happen to you!  





Mending Broken Relationships: Four Things You Must Give

"Reconciliation is a bilateral process requiring the participation of both parties. For there to be genuine reconciliation, I need to forgive and the other person needs to show godly sorrow over what he or she has done. Forgiveness is required of us as believers, but reconciliation is optional and depends on the attitude of the offender." Dr. David Stoop

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