Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators: Part V

In today's final post in this series, we're going to talk about how to react and offer support should your child or some other child disclose abuse.

Make a Plan: Learn where to go, whom to call, and how to react.*

If your child breaks and arm or runs a high fever, you know to stay calm and where to see help because you've mentally prepared yourself. Reacting to child sexual abuse is the same. Your reactions have a powerful influence on vulnerable children, so be prepared! Know the number to contact in your city, county, or state regarding reporting abuse of minors.

Don't Overreact!

A key to a child victim's prognosis is how well a trusted family member reacts to disclosure.

When you react to disclosure with anger, disbelief, or out of control emotions the response of a child may be to:

• Shut-down
• Change their story even though abuse is still occurring
• Feel more guilt & shame
• Change their account if there are too many probing questions

Questions/comments to avoid:

• "Why didn't you tell me before now?"
• "Did you tell the abuser 'no,' scream, run" etc.
• "So-and-so would never do that!"
• "You must have done something to cause this"

Offer Reassurance and Support:

Think through your response before you suspect abuse. In doing so, you'll be able to respond in a more supportive, calm, and helpful manner.

• Believe child and make sure they know it.
• Praise the child's courage and thank them for telling you.
• Tell them this was not their fault.
• Encourage child to talk but don't ask leading questions or try to elicit too much detail. Use open-ended questions such as "what happened next?"
• Assure child that it's YOUR responsibility to protect him or her and that you'll do all you can.
• Report or take action in all cases of suspected abuse inside or outside the immediate family. Don't try to handle yourself!
• Don't panic. Sexually abused children who are believed, receive support and psychological help can and do heal.
• Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child's healing and to any criminal prosecution.
• Contact National Children's Alliance at 1-800-239-9950 or National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD for information or to talk to staff specifically trained to deal with suspected child sexual abuse.

Finally, I will leave you with two quotes. The first, I quoted in the beginning of this series from Dr. Jim Hopper of Harvard:

"It's so important that adults take responsibility for this [reporting suspected abuse], so that it doesn't depend on the courage of the child."

The second quote is from Jesus of Nazareth:

“But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones [children] who believe in Me—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone[a] were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea! Woe to the world because of offenses. For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes." Matthew 18:6-7 (HCSB)

 

Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators: Part IV

In today's post we're going to address safety tips for parents and some warning signs in children. As I have already addressed in a previous post, talk to your children and teach them how to respond in specific situations.

Safety Tips for Parents:

1. Network with your child's friends and their parents to safeguard all children in your community.
2. Do not let your child spend time in an unsupervised home.
3. If your child prefers to spend a lot of time at a neighbor's home, find out why and with whom.
4. Teach your child to go to a cashier, security guard or store employee if separated from you in a public place.
5. Have your child pay attention to their surroundings.
6. Teach your children to verify credentials of people when approached. (Children can politely explain they've been taught this--no one who is legitimate will protest or coerce.)
7. Teach child regarding an abduction to yell: "This is NOT my mom/dad" or "I don't know this person" rather than "help" or "let me go."
8. Make sure all sleep-overs are supervised by a trusted adult.
9. Play "what if" games to prep your children: "what if a stranger offers you a ride home or asks you to help find a lost puppy?"
10. Choose a secret password as a family to be used in an emergency. (Person who says they are authorized to pick up child from event/school must know and say password.)

Listen & Observe

Children typically show signs--it's whether or not we as parents/adults are paying attention to them.

Children of all ages may show physical, emotional, and behavioral signs. Sexually precocious behavior or language which is not age appropriate can be a red flag. If you observe such signs and suspect sexual abuse, have the child seen by a professional who specializes in child sexual abuse.

Warning Signs

            Please note that one of the great dangers in providing a list of behavioral indicators of abuse is that those reading the list will make inappropriate conclusions on the basis of the list alone.  If you have any concerns regarding your child or a child within your family or community, please consult a knowledgeable professional in your area prior to contacting authorities.  Professionals, such as therapists and child protection workers are trained in assessment and can inform you of the legal obligations in your state.

For Children of all ages:

            If a child is overly responsive, preoccupied, or precocious in sexual matters by their behavior, verbal content, or interest level this may be indicative of abuse or exposure to explicit material.

            If a child is under responsive, fearful, day-dreaming or spaced out when appropriate sexual information is being discussed (ie. educational movie, book), this may be indicative of abuse or exposure to explicit material.

Infants/Preschoolers

·      sexualized behavior (explicit sex play, excessive masturbation, inserting objects in sexual areas)

·      fear of being alone, fear of rest rooms, showers, baths

·      being uncomfortable around previously trusted person

·      nightmares, difficulty sleeping

·      dramatic personality changes

·      clinging behavior

·      moodiness, excessive crying or fear

·      uncharacteristic hyperactivity

·      passive, withdrawn behavior

·      bladder problems/genital irritation

School age Children (5-12)(least likely to report)

(Some of the same indicators as above with the following additions)

·      specific knowledge of sexual facts/terms beyond age appropriateness

·      wearing multiple layers of clothing, especially to bed

·      frequent tardiness, absence from school

·      eating disorders

·      self-consciousness behavior, especially about body

·      bed-wetting

·      parentified behavior

·      touching to either extreme (no touch, excessive touch)

·      fear of being alone with men or boys

·      poor hygiene (attempts to make self undesirable)

·      child acquires toy/money with no explanation

·      change in sleeping habits

·      regressive behavior (infantile)

·      difficulty in school (concentration, hyperactivity)

·      running away, especially in child that is not usually a behavior problem

Adolescents:

(Most likely to report if they have a safe environment to disclose.  Unfortunately, they are the least likely to be believed because they may be acting out in socially inappropriate ways and because they are thought to have enough information to fabricate allegations.  Most adolescents are not molested for the first time at this age.  There are usually prior incidents that have gone unreported.)

(Some of previously noted signs also may be present)

·      sexualized, seductive, promiscuous behavior

·      drug, alcohol use

·      suicidal gestures, attempts

·      self-mutilation, cutting

·      eating disorders, obesity

·      delinquent behavior, running away

·      school problems (academic or behavioral)

·      defiance or compliance to an extreme

·      friends tend to be older

·      constant fear or anxiety

·      extreme hostility toward a parent, relative, caretaker or authority figures

·      wearing multiple layers of clothing

·      aggressive behavior (especially in boys)

·      sleeping abnormalities (insomnia, hypersomnia)

·      female reproductive infections/ menstrual abnormalities

·      physical symptoms (headaches, stomach problems, anxiety attacks)

Finally, I tell parents to "trust their gut"-if it doesn't feel right, check it out and take steps of protection for yourself and your child. It may or may not warrant an accusation.

And finally, tell others in your family/community about behaviors that are of concern.

In my next post:

Make a Plan

Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators: Part III

Minimize Opportunity

     More than 80% of sexual abuse cases occur in one-adult/one-child situations.

The previous two posts in this series were about the importance of parents KNOWING THE FACTS about abuse and EDUCATING YOUR CHILDREN. Today we're going to talk about ways in which you, as a parent, can play a significant role in keeping your children safe by MINIMIZING OPPORTUNITY.

First, I want you to be aware of some things that you may not have heard before.

• Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.
• Think carefully about the safety of any one-adult/one-child situations. Try to choose group situations when possible.
• Be cautious about situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can provide supervision.
• Abductors/Molesters prey upon children who: take short-cuts to school; look depressed or timid; are loners; appear neglected, unkempt, or unsupervised.
• Sexual predators often target children in single parent families because they offer their "help" to a mother or father who is overloaded, stressed, or burned out.
• Be aware that "over-loving or over-affectionate" type people are potentially dangerous.
• Be suspicious of someone whose "whole" life is centered around spending time with children and has few, if any, quality adult relationships.

And finally, something I learned from a study entitled "Child Abuse Prevention: What Offenders Tell Us" (Child Abuse & Neglect 1995, Elliott, Browne, Kilcoyne). Offenders who were in treatment offered some advice to warn parents about potential offenders. Here are three warnings worth noting:

1. Be suspicious if someone seems more interested in their children than in the parents.
2. Know that we [offenders] will use any way we can get to children.
3. Be alert to a child's behavioral change--investigate further.

In light of all that I have shared with you, I have some final words of caution:

Don't let this information overwhelm you or cause you to be paranoid.

It's important as a parent to be informed, but balanced. I am saying this from personal experience. As I reflect back on my own parenting, I now realize how my own anxiety over making sure my daughters were protected, actually contributed to them developing more than their fair share of anxiety as adults. Would I change most of my precautions, boundaries, or prohibitions? Probably not, but I would change my underlying anxiety that seemed to leak out upon them imperceptibly. I didn't realize it at the time, but my fears were controlling a lot of my decisions especially as my girls reached adolescence. So, if you tend to go to extremes, make sure you seek help for your own anxiety and get some balanced counsel from good friends, wise counselors, or those mentors in your lives who've weathered parenting well.