Take the Initiative

We've been talking about How to B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues. It is fitting that we talk about the final step today as the holidays are about to come to an end. The great thing about what we've talked about so far, is that all these steps can be used throughout the year, NOT just at holidays.

Let's do a quick review:

• Break the Rules!

• Employ Safeguards

• Adjust Your Expectations

In my last post, I talked about the fact that long-standing patterns within your family would not be easily changed, if at all. But, there's hope and it comes as a result of the next step!

Take the Initiative

I remember years ago in graduate school, we were learning about family dynamics and understanding the family as a "system" with various working parts and roles. I think it was one of my professors who had us think about a family like a machine with a number of working parts somewhat like a series of connected gears. I'm not much of a "techy" but I remember the professor's point: if one of the gears changes in anyway, it changes the entire working system. Because I'm such a visual person, I needed something I could see and put my hands on that would help me illustrate this concept, so I went immediately to the toy store. I found a "boy's toy" about the size of a small bath mat, made out of plastic with multiple gears that could be turned by a crank. It was perfect because the gears could be removed, placed elsewhere, or positioned in such a way to reverse the original direction of the gears in motion.

Take a moment to visualize this. This image may help:

The first thing to do in your family is to:

Observe the pattern

Too often in our families, we "absorb" our family patterns rather than objectively observing them. So, the next time you get together with family members, have a conversation on the phone, or have some type of interaction, just observe the pattern of how you relate to different family members and how other members relate to each other. You might notice things like: when sister Sally tries to interject her comments, everyone ignores her; or uncle Joe rarely voices his opinion, but when he does there is a lot of tension in the room; or when Mom complains about "no one" visiting enough-all the kids roll their eyes and try to change the subject. Whatever the patterns are in your family, the first step is to Take the Initiative by Observing the Patterns that exist. Try not to over-analyze them, just be an observer and notice what is occurring. Write them down and don't forget to include your own reactions to family members!

In my next post, I'm going to share how after years in my relationship with my biological father I took note of a pattern, and realized, if change was going to happen, it had to begin with me! I needed to do something different than I'd always done. I'd been a "gear" in the system, following the same old pattern, and I knew I must be the one to change my direction!

Tune in next time to hear what simple kitchen device changed my life! Can you guess what it was?

Adjust Your Expectations

Many of us set ourselves up for disappointment during the holidays by either idealizing or catastrophizing.

Idealizing: In your mind, making a situation better than it is in reality.

These are some examples:

• since Mom just got out of the hospital--she won't drink as much
• with all the kids around brother Joe will surely clean-up his language after our last talk
• after the big blow-out last Christmas, Dad won't let Mom be so controlling and ruin everything
• this year is going to be different, we're going to sit around the dinner table and have one of those Hallmark moments as a family!

Sound familiar? Maybe you're a person who doesn't entertain such idealism, but what about the other end of the spectrum? Instead of idealizing, do you try to protect yourself from hurt by catastrophizing? Here are some examples:

Catastrophizing: Taking a situation to the negative extreme.

• Dad will probably get drunk, fall into the swimming pool and drown!
• Sister-in-law Sue will verbally attack me in front of everyone and I will have to leave in shame.
• I'll probably get stuck sitting next to my perverted uncle again and have no place to go.
• Mom will play her "poor me" and I'll get sucked into planning and preparing everything again this holiday!

There needs to be a balance between being realistic about what to expect and at the same time not anticipating the worst possible scenario. Either of these two extremes set the stage for self-sabotage. What does that mean?

Let's think about that together. If you are a person who tends to idealize, by making a situation better in your mind than it is in reality, you set yourself up for continual disappointment and frustration. You're looking for change to occur in others who may or may not be interested in changing. If you tend to catastrophize by taking a situation to the negative extreme, you're really defending against the reality of the pain of an existing situation. In other words, you make it worse than it is, so that when you experience reality it is "less painful" than you imagined. You're really using catastrophizing as a way to avoid the pain, disappointment, or anxiety that you feel in a given situation, like a holiday spent with the family.

If you tend to use either of these, or both you may need to come to terms with reality. If there's a long-standing pattern in your family, it's not going to change easily, if at all. You may need to change your focus from idealizing or catastrophizing and grieve through the loss of what is. When we're able to grieve through the loss of what is, we are better prepared to take the next step, which I'll cover in my next post!

Do you have any ideas of what the final step might be?

How do you B-E-A-T the holiday blues?

Employ Safeguards

In my last post we talked about one way to Beat the Holiday Blues was to Break the Rules!

Sometimes we may need to break the rules--and at other times, we may simply need to:

Employ Safeguards.

Employ relational safeguards

There are three safeguards that can be helpful to employ if you have struggled in your relationships with family members or at other gatherings that may cause you some discomfort.

Set a Time Frame

Decide in advance the amount of time you will spend at your family event. Stick with this time even if things are going well! Don't make the mistake of waiting "until things that a turn for the worse." Begin to establish a new pattern and enjoy the "time frame" you've set.

Use a Signal

With a friend, spouse or other family member agree upon a signal between the two of you that signifies, "come to my rescue." It can be a distinct hand gesture, a tug on the ear, a repeated glance, or a discreet text message. Agree ahead of time what your spouse or friend will offer to you--your spouse may say, "let's go take a walk", or your friend might join the conversation to divert it in another direction, or a family member might ask you to assist with something in the kitchen that allows you to excuse yourself.

It's sometimes helpful to plan a diversion that will allow you to graciously exit an uncomfortable situation with the help of someone else.

Take a Time-out

Early in our marriage I found it necessary to take a time-out from my family. It became evident to me that before and after a holiday spent with my parents I was very irritable and out of sorts with my child and my husband. It wasn't because anything bad happened. We sat around the dinner table enjoying a lovely dinner with pleasant, but superficial conversation, and no harsh words. What was it that was causing my angst?

Pretending was taking its toll.

I had never dared address the abuse that went on in our home growing up. We all just pretended that it hadn't happened. I could pretend no longer.

I obtained some godly counsel and knew that for my own emotional well-being and that of my family, I needed to take a time-out from seeing my stepfather. When I made the call to my mom, it didn't go well. I told her that I needed to do this for my own emotional health and that I was not doing this out of anger. I just needed time to work through some issues. I was still willing to see my mom, but her response was, "if you don't see your stepfather, then you don't see me!" I was devastated by her response, but knew I must do this.

That time-out lasted a year. I spent that year in counseling grieving through the losses and facing my childhood pain. At the end of that time, I met with my parents and truth about what went on in our family was spoken for the first time. I know God was at work behind the scenes during that time-out period, both in my heart and the heart of my parents. Through that conversation, we began the road to reconciliation and restoration that lasted over twenty-five years. We were not going to pretend anymore. We would now have a relationship based on truth and seasoned with grace.

If you need a time-out, you may not need a year like I did--you may just choose to spend a holiday elsewhere to give yourself a breather. You don't necessarily need to make it "official" like I did. You can simply say, "I'm spending this holiday with my friend's family this year."

Time-outs are best utilized when you are pursuing other healing relationships through a support group, counseling, or a healthy body of believers who will undergird you with prayer and loving support. 

You may choose to start with only one of these safeguards- set a time frame, use a signal, or take a time-out to see what works best for you. Get some wise, godly counsel regarding your specific situation and try it out! Modify if necessary!

Stay tuned for my next post in this series on How to BEAT the Holiday Blues!

Break the Rules!

Unspoken rules in families are sometimes the strongest rules of all! Here are just a few common "unspoken" rules:

• don't ever voice an opposing opinion
• keep quiet--grandpa (or dad, mom, great grandma, uncle Joe) has the floor!
• we don't talk about so-and so's drinking problem
• don't ever share your genuine feelings
• family loyalty is our #1 priority
• pretending is valued more than the truth
• mom is too fragile to handle any criticism

Do you have any "unspoken" rules in your family? What are they? What would happen in your family if you broke one of those rules?

Could you relate to my client who dreaded the holidays with a father-in-law who dominated the holiday meal "conversation" in my last post? Here's what breaking the rules looked like in their situation.

I recommended they sit down together prior to the holiday and have each member of the family choose several specific topics of conversation:

• a sporting event at school they participated in
• a fun classroom assignment they'd completed
• some new technology they were using
• an interesting article or book they were reading
• a movie they'd seen
• an award they recently received
• a television show that made them laugh

Each person had several topics of personal interest to them, which they were excited to talk about. They agreed that each person would bring up any given topic when the conversation around the table lulled or when one family member finished their topic of interest. They also decided how to deal with grandpa's domination. They would purposely address him prior to commencing their "story" with "hey grandpa, listen to this" or "mom and dad, did you hear about Johnny's recent award?"

If grandpa attempted to divert the topic back to himself, someone would politely say, "wait just a minute, grandpa, I'd like to hear more about this story from so-and-so" or "grandpa, would you like to hear what I learned in history this week?" This type of intervention doesn't exclude grandpa from the conversation, like he's done with others; it helps to provide more of a balance of speakers and listeners.

When the holidays were over, my client reported what had transpired.

"At first," she said, "it was a little awkward because grandpa was totally caught off guard. He didn't know what to do with family members who were engaging in conversation with one another! At times he seemed frustrated, but when the kids directed some questions to him he was able to step into the conversation and feel included. At one point, he jumped in with one of his old stories and one of the grandchildren lightheartedly said, "Oh grandpa, we all know how that story ends...you didn't give up or give in--you finished the race with flying colors!" Everyone including grandpa laughed!

"It was one of the best holiday dinners we ever had and the kids genuinely enjoyed themselves too! We've decided to start this new tradition at every holiday dinner from now on!"

One way to B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues is to Break the Rules!

What might that look like in your family? Can you think of a way to break the rules with gentleness and humor? Talk about this with your family, a friend or someone who can offer some objectivity. Don't try to take on all the "unspoken" rules at once--just choose one and work out a simple strategy and try it out. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work the first time. You may need to modify it, tweak it a bit or use a more lighthearted approach. Try again!

Sometimes we may need to BREAK the RULES--at other times we may simply need to:

EMPLOY SAFEGUARDS which include things like:

• Setting a time frame
• Using a signal
• Taking a time-out

Stay tuned for this tool in my next post!