Why Is My Anger "Bigger" than Normal?

If you've been following my blog lately you know I've been looking at the issue of anger. Many of us struggle with it but we hate to admit it. For some of us, our anger is more visible and recognizable than it is with others. Gary Chapman, in his book entitled ANGER: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way was especially useful to me as I looked at some of my anger patterns both in the past and presently.

I was reminded over the weekend of a most embarrassing moment by my daughter Kellie's friend, Marissa. When Kellie was in junior high she asked if she could go over to a friends house after school to work on a project. I knew her friend, Sanja and the general location of the house where she would be. We agreed that she would be back home around 4 p.m. and because Kellie had shown herself to be very trustworthy, I gave it no further thought. That is until 4:00 came and went. When 45 minutes passed, I got in the car. I was panicked inside that something bad had happened. As I drove up and down nearby streets, I finally caught a glimpse of two girls walking together in the distance. As I got closer, I recognized my daughter Kellie, but didn't know the other girl she was with. In a flash of anger, I screeched the car to a stop, got out of the car and swatted my twelve year old across the behind, all in front of her newly-found friend, Marissa, who was also working on the school project. Kellie was humiliated.

Kellie and Marissa remained friends throughout high school and college and were in each others' weddings. Over the years, Marissa would jokingly recount to others her first encounter with me and all I could do is shake my head affirmatively and "own" my anger. It wasn't until years later that I realized that underneath my explosive anger was a deep-seated fear and anxiety. Due to my own abusive past, I was fearful that something bad would happen to my children and I would not be able to protect them. Instead of processing through my own grief over not being protected as a child, I became hyper-vigilant and extremely anxious over the unknown, which I often expressed through anger. I'm still a little embarrassed over that initial encounter with Marissa, but, at least we can laugh about it now. (By the way, I have apologized to both Kellie and Marissa for my outburst!)

Don't misunderstand me. Being upset with Kellie for being late was legitimate. We had an agreed upon time and she was late. BUT, the intensity of my anger and subsequent reaction was beyond what the situation warranted. I've discovered through counseling that when our reaction in a given situation is "bigger" than the situation calls for, we should look for "historical roots." In other words, we are probably reacting not only to the present situation, but we are also being triggered by past incidents that carry a similar theme, which helps explain our "over-charged" reaction.

Can you think of a time recently when your anger was "bigger" than the situation called for? What was going on? What were you feeling at the time? Is there something from your past that triggers this same feeling? Take some time to write about this in a journal or talk to a close friend about your experience.

In my next post, we're going to look at two kinds of anger as defined by Dr. Chapman in his book. One is definitive anger and the other is distorted anger. You might be as surprised as I was about how to distinguish between these two types of anger.

Am I an Angry Person?

"Most people stereotype anger by assuming that it always results in shouting, slamming fists, or throwing things. However, anger is not that one-dimensional." (The Anger Workbook)

For years in my counseling practice I recommended the above mentioned book to clients who seemed to struggle with anger issues. I had it on my shelf for years and just recently decided to take another look at it. Drs. Carter and Minirth talk about how anger is often the result of "unmet needs" but may be expressed in a variety of ways. Even though, I'd had the book for years and recommended frequently, I'd never taken the time to personally take the inventory at the beginning of the book. I did today. I was a bit surprised at the outcome. Here are just ten of the statements in the inventory of twenty-five. See how you score and I'll share with you how I did.

• Impatience comes over me more frequently than I would like.
• I nurture critical thoughts quite easily.
• When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication or withdraw.
• I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.
• When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become persuasive.
• I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.
• Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.
• I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.
• I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.
• When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.

Before I share my score, I wonder, were you surprised that some of these statements were expressions of anger? I certainly was. I didn't realize that discouragement may sometimes be a sign of internal anger. In case you're sitting on the edge of your chair waiting for my score, here it is: I scored a perfect 10! All of the above, plus five more, were statements I checked on the inventory of 25. The authors wrote this about my score of 15 or higher:

This indicates you are vulnerable to the extreme ill effects of anger, rage, and explosions or to guilt, bitterness, and resentment.

I have to admit this is true. Although, I think I've grown, I am still vulnerable to outbursts and harboring resentment. I was reading in Proverbs today and this verse jumped out at me:

I've spoken rashly on more than one occasion. Maybe you can relate. If you identified with several of the 10 statements above, you might find The Anger Workbook by Drs. Carter and Minirth helpful. It provides a 13 step interactive plan to help you find healthier ways to express and control your anger. Don't be discouraged! Many of us did not grow up in homes where we were taught how to express anger in healthy ways. Take heart- its never too late to learn!

How I Learned to Talk to My Teen

When our daughter Heather was a teenager it seemed as though I couldn't say anything to her without it ending in a skirmish. Whether it was asking her to set the table, discussing her favorite television show, or conversing about our upcoming vacation plans. I am NOT exaggerating! This seemed to go on for weeks and finally one day, I'd had enough! After another verbal bout with her at dinner, I asked my husband Don if we could go on a walk together around the block. He agreed and we were off.

As soon as we got a little distance from our house, I said to him in a frustrated tone:

"I don't understand this! No matter what we talk about it always ends up the same with Heather. I just don't know what's going on, but I'm sick of it!" I declared. Don said in a gentle voice, "Honey, do you want to know?" At that moment, I was desperate so I said "yes."

"Honey, when you start a conversation with her, everything is fine, but then you get a condescending tone in your voice and she reacts to it."

I said angrily defiant, "Fine! I'll never speak to her again!" We continued our walk in silence until about half-way around our large cul-de-sac I said to my husband, "I know you must be right, but I don't know when I do that. I can't hear it in my voice." I then asked Don for his help. The rest of the walk home we worked out some signals that he would employ to help me when I was going down the road of condescension with Heather. As soon as he heard it from across the room he would take both hands, stretch them out in front of him and make a motion downward as if to say "calm it down." Or, at times he took one hand and waved it across the middle of his neck communicating "cut it out". At other times, he'd make the "T" for time-out sign with his hands or make a motion across his lips signalling me to "zip it!"

I wish I could tell you I learned quickly. I didn't. It took about six months of consistent signalling before I could hear my patronizing tone and make a change. Sometimes I slipped into old patterns and would catch myself just before the conversation deteriorated. Old patterns die a slow death.

Are you stuck in a similar rut with your teenager? Or do you find yourself threatening your ten year old with the same consequences over and over to no avail? Are you tired of having the same regrets over your interactions with your children? It may be time to ask for some help. You can solicit help from good friends who are beyond your parenting stage, from one of your parents, your spouse, or if needed, it might be helpful to take a parenting class or make a counseling appointment with a professional.

None of us are perfect parents. Just ask my husband. And remember, God is the Only Perfect Parent and He offers us grace, understanding, and the power to change as we humbly ask for help.

Understanding Your Anger

Do you remember how anger was usually expressed in your home growing up? Did your father express it differently than your mother? Have you looked at your own patterns of handling anger? Are there any similarities?

It wasn't until fairly recently that I really gave these questions thoughtful reflection. My daughters are both well into adulthood now, but I wish I'd been more intentional about dealing with my own anger issues prior to child-rearing and especially prior to adolescence.

In my home growing up anger was ominous. We were warned as children "NOT to make your dad angry." This instilled a great deal of fear which was magnified by my dad's critical perfectionism. Even though I don't remember my dad ever becoming violent or physically abusive toward my mother or us kids, it seemed as though this possibility was always lurking behind a closed door ready to strike at any given moment. We all lived in fear that we might be "the one" who unleashed the anger that had the power to destroy anything or anyone in its path. As a result, I learned at a young age how to "scope out" a situation and carefully avoid any triggers.

My mother's anger was different. I didn't have a name for it until I went to grad school. My mother was primarily silent about her anger. Yes, there were times that she would vocalize her displeasure by raising her voice at me, but her preferred method was silent withdrawal. I knew as a teen and as an adult when I'd made my mom angry. The emotional withdrawal and silence came through loud and clear. She would vacate and I never knew how long this would last, but I learned early on the only way to "get her back" was to tell her I was sorry and that I was wrong for whatever it was that displeased her.

Fast forward twenty years. I brought both my dad and mom's anger patterns into my parenting style. I didn't learn soon enough what it meant to "contain" my children's emotions and stay connected emotionally, especially with our oldest daughter Heather when she was an adolescent. I sure wish Dr. Townsend had written "Boundaries with Teens" earlier because it might have saved us a lot of heartache as a family. Here's a quote from his book:

Parents teach their children primarily through experiences, even more than through teaching and talking. But you can't provide what you don't possess. So no matter how much you love your teen, you have a built -in limitation, and it is this: you can only parent to your own level of maturity.

Let me illustrate. We were all sitting around the dinner table eating and I noticed Heather, now 18, was holding her head in her hand looking quite bedraggled. I said to myself, "Good! She's tired so maybe she'll stay home tonight and get some much needed rest!" You see, I was counting. Heather had been out for thirteen nights in a row. I knew better than to comment about my tallying so I just kept quiet, hoping her weariness would bring with it sensibility. All was going well and I commented about how nice it was to have her home. That is, until the phone rang at 9:30 p.m. My formerly lethargic daughter came to life and I was angry because I knew what was coming. She bounded up the stairs to get ready to go out as her mother's silent disapproval  reverberated off the walls.

When she came downstairs and announced she was going out for the evening AGAIN- I was seething silently in disbelief. As I shared my concern about her need for rest, she waived me off and that fanned the flame of my anger even more. With that she was out the door. I immediately started venting to my husband and my ranting continued until I knew what I needed more than anything was to cry out to God. So I went up to Heather's bedroom and got on my knees and began to pray.

As I prayed, I said, "Oh Lord, when is she going to learn. How can I get through to her? Please Lord show me. Father, I need your comfort and reassurance right now. Would you please give me a verse from scripture to comfort this aching mother's heart?" As I sat quietly for a moment, I sensed the Spirit of God saying, "James 1:19." I immediately responded back to God and said, "Hmm, Lord. I don't remember a lot of words of comfort in the book of James", but I pulled out my Bible and read aloud these words:

I heard the Spirit say to my heart, "Jan, your anger is not going to produce a 'righteous life' in Heather, and it's not doing much for your life either." I confessed my anger to the LORD and was then prompted to write Heather a note of apology and place it on her bed. I wept as I wrote that note, knowing that God was at work in my own heart changing patterns that I carried from my past into the present. 

This wasn't immediate--and in fact, I still struggle at times not to hold onto anger and bitterness. What about you? How was anger handled in your family growing up? What experience comes to your mind when you think about the anger of your father? Your mother?

Get out a journal and record any incidents that you recall. Allow yourself to once again feel the feelings you had as a child. As you do, act as a good parent would to the child inside you who experienced hurt. Offer empathy and understanding for any fear, guilt or shame that the child may have felt. Comfort that child and yourself by asking God to bring healing and comfort to those hurts. Spend some time thanking God that He is the Perfect Parent who knows you, loves you, and heals the broken-hearted.