Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators: Part II

A child's safety is an adult's job.

"We can and should educate our children--and it's important for them to learn age appropriate information-but it's no substitute for adult responsibility." *

In my last post I talked about Knowing the Facts about abuse and provided a definition of terms. You may have been overwhelmed and aghast over some of the statistics concerning abuse that I listed. But, we all need to be informed in our communities, churches, schools, neighborhoods, and families. It's tempting to think that these things happen in other communities--"certainly not in OURS!" But then, we turn on the news and see how close to home these issues are and continue to be.

Educate Your Children

In 1962 an article appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association describing symptoms of child abuse. By 1972, every state in the U.S. had statutes known as "mandatory reporting" laws which required certain professionals such as doctors and teachers to report suspected child abuse to their local Child Protective Services agency.

Today, there are numerous books on educating your own children about sexual abuse in all age ranges. In this post, I just want to provide you with some general guidelines for educating your children; understanding why children are often afraid to tell; and how children tend to communicate when abuse has occurred. Before I do so, I'd like you to read and re-read the following quote by Dr. Jim Hopper of Harvard:

"It's so important that adults take responsibility for this [protecting their own children], so that it doesn't depend on the courage of the child."

So there's my caveat to educating your children. As much as we should educate our children, we as parents, must not look solely to the child to do what it is our responsibility to do.

General Guidelines:

Be matter-of-fact as you discuss these guidelines with your children. Manage your own fears and anxiety. Be calm, confident, and caring.

• Have age appropriate discussions with your child regarding their bodies, what abuse is, and about sex.
• Provide healthy information about what good sexual boundaries are
• Teach children that it is "against the rules" for adults or other children to act in a sexual way with them and use examples. (ie. If you are touched by a person in a way that you don't feel right about, tell me about it. I will believe you and help you.)
• Talk about how children are often "tricked" or "lured" by abusers. (candy, animals, money, gifts)
• Tell children not to keep secrets. Tell your children to let you know that if a child or adult plays secret games or tells them something bad will happen if they don't keep the secret.
• Tell children they have a right to say "no."
• Tell children that adults are not always right.
• Help children develop assertiveness skills. Verbal skills- "I'm not allowed to do that"; "Leave me alone. I'll tell." Non-verbal skills- take someone's hand off them, moving or running away, look person in eye, stand tall, shake their head.
• They can come to you and talk if they don't feel right about something a grown up says or does. (Be sure to mention that an abuser might be someone they know like an adult friend, family member or older child/teenager.)
• Model proper guidelines at home (modesty/privacy) without shame.
• Be proactive. If your child seems uncomfortable, or resistant to being with a particular person, ask why.

Why Children are Afraid to Tell:

• Abuser shames child or implies "complicity."
• Abuser tells child their parents will be angry with them or threatens a family member
• Abuser "reframes" incident to confuse child about what is right and wrong. (ie. it's okay or it's just a game)
• Children are afraid of disappointing parents and/or disrupting the family.
• Some children who don't disclose abuse initially are ashamed to tell if it happens again.
• If physical pleasure is experienced by child they feel guilty and complicit.
• Children fear they won't be believed and instead, will be punished.

How Children Communicate:

• Children who disclose often tell another trusted adult rather than a parent. (Don't blame child if this happens or ask "why didn't you tell me?")

• Children may tell "parts" of what happened or pretend it happened to someone else to gauge adult's reaction.

• Children will often shut-down and refuse to tell more if you respond emotionally or negatively.

In my next post I will talk about how to Minimize Opportunities and how to establish your own set of family rules.

Safeguarding Your Children from Sexual Predators

Last year I was asked to speak to a "Moms of School Age Children's" at their monthly meeting on the subject of "how to protect your children from sexual predators." It is a topic of both personal and professional interest and one I have been speaking about for more than thirty years.

If you're not familiar with my own story of being sexually abused as a child, you can go to the following link on my web-site to hear about my story and recovery:

http://www.janfrank.org/media/

In this series of several posts, I will be sharing practical safeguards that I've gathered over the years from many resources, too numerous to site. However, I will do my best to give credit to quotes or written material that I drew from as much as possible to give credit to those who have prepared comprehensive facts for parents, educators, and anyone who directly works with children.

In these posts I will be covering the following five major points*:

• Know the Facts
• Educate Your Children
• Minimize Opportunities
• Listen and Observe
• Make a Plan *(Darkness to Light; Charleston, S.C.)

Know the Facts:

What is sexual abuse?:

• Any sexual act between an adult and a minor or between two minors when one exerts power over the other.
• Incest is any sexual contact with parent, parental figure, sibling, or any other family member (perceived or actual)
•  Molestation is any sexual contact with a person outside the family constellation
• Exploitation/Covert Abuse involves exposing a child to explicit material either visually (exhibitionism, nudity, pornography) or verbally (inappropriate sexual innuendos, invasive comments regarding sexuality or body development.)
• Child sexual abuse is illegal in all 50 states, but the precise legal definition varies from state to state.
• Call your local Child Protective Services Agency to familiarize yourself with the laws of your state concerning abuse, its legal definition, and reporting laws.

Who molests children?

Both males and females can be sexual predators

90% of children are abused by someone they know and trust

Approximately 40% of sex offenders report they were sexually abused as children

Approximately 70% of sex offenders of children have between 1-9 victims; 20-25% have 10-40 victims. Serial molesters may have as many as 400 victims in their lifetimes.

Current statistics/facts:

• 1/4 girls and 1/6 boys are sexually abused prior to age 18
• The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old
• 1/5 children are solicited while on the internet
• Approximately 20% of sexual abuse victims are under 8 years old
• Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children
• Most child victims never report the abuse
• Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who tell and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems, often lasting into adulthood.
• About 80% of children who are victims of sexual abuse have mothers who were sexually abused as children.

I know this is a lot of information to take in. My main objective is for you to be educated and aware of the pervasiveness of abuse in our culture. No community is immune. Therefore, it is vital for you and others you know to be aware of what sexual abuse is, how it is legally defined in your state, and what help is available in your community.

In my next post, we will talk about how to Educate Your Children without instilling fear and what safeguards can be utilized in the protection of your children and others within your community.

It's Never too Late to Come Home

In my last post, (sorry I've kept you on the edge of your seat so long!), I talked about the book I was currently reading by James McDonald entitlted Come Home: A Call Back to Faith. If you want to read my last post to catch up on the story, here's the link:

http://www.janfrank.org/blog/2016/6/18/do-you-know-a-wanderer

Bill Marx was a co-worker of mine in my early 20's while working at a County Juvenile facility for wards of the court who had been removed from their homes. I'm not sure how Bill knew that I was a "wanderer" who was far away from "home," but he did. As we sat in the staff room or at the staff dining table for a meal, Bill would ask what I did on my days off and I returned the question. He was a gentle, genuine man who loved his family and loved God, so he often talked about them. Somehow the conversation would often turn to what his pastor taught on Sunday or what missions project they were undertaking to help in their community or around the world. I knew Scripture due to my upbringing, and was familiar with certain passages Bill would reference, but I was a bit uncomfortable. The dissonance inside me seemed to mount with each conversation.

Bill was one of the most joyful persons I'd ever met. I can still remember his laugh to this day! He'd throw back his head and seem to enjoy his own laughter. He wasn't pushy, judgmental or a know-it-all. He was just a loving, kind man who felt compassion for a young woman whose life was obviously out of sync. To this day, I don't know if he set out to go get this "wanderer" and bring her back home, or if it was just his nature of following Jesus that drew me. I wanted what Bill had, but I thought it was too late for me. I'd gone too far and sinned too much, and something inside me said "you can never go back."

Bill was also persistent in an endearing kind of way. He would invite me to go with he and his wife to church on Sunday occasionally, but I always seemed to have other plans. He didn't give up. After two years of zealous appeals I finally agreed to go. I remember thinking, I'll go this one time and then he'll stop asking me!

I persuaded a girlfriend to accompany me in case the church members encircled me and held me captive against my will. My fears were outlandishly unwarranted. We met Bill and his wife, Pat, outside the church and proceeded into a small sanctuary where close to two hundred people were gathered. The congregants began singing robustly as a pianist accompanied rolling from one song to the next. I remember thinking, these people are just like Bill. They seem joyful and full of vitality. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it was different than what I remembered about my church growing up. There were no "sour-looking" old ladies and stodgy old men. I looked around at men, women and children of all ages but they looked vibrantly alive.

Then something strange happened. A man came across the stage up front and spoke into a microphone. He said something like this: "You've been like a merchant ship wandering from port to port and God desires that you set your ship to rest today!" And then, he simply walked off the stage. I immediately burst into uncontrollable tears as the music and singing resumed. I sat down and my girlfriend looked mystified at me as if to say, "what's wrong with you?" As tears poured from my eyes, I remember thinking, I have no idea- that man talked about a ship and now I'm a wreck. I looked up at Bill whose gaze was fixed forward, with the biggest grin on his face while continuing to belt out the chorus being sung.

I don't know why I did this, but I shot up a prayer to God in that moment. God, if what that man said about a ship has anything to do with me, have the pastor point me out among all these people. Have you ever prayed a prayer like that? Eventually the pastor took the stage and I had gained my composure, still unsure why my emotions had rushed to the surface. While sitting there, I remember thinking I was probably so emotional because I had not been in church for several years. Or maybe it was just something I ate. I don't remember much of the pastor's sermon, but I knew he was winding things up and I was just thankful I was calm and in control.

That is until the very end. The pastor looked out into the audience and it was as if a beam of light was directed at me and then he said, "There's a young woman here between the ages of 19-22 whose been rebellious with God and her parents. And God desires that you come back to Him today." I am telling you the absolute truth! The waterworks of tears began again and I made my way up to the front of the church after the service where the pastor was waiting. He looked at me with caring eyes and said, "the Lord showed me your entire life--and He wants you to know that it's not too late for you." He shared things about my life that no one else knew-- not Bill, his wife or even my girlfriend. I knew God had shown him and that showed me how much God loved this broken young woman.

I sat on the steps of the stage and prayed a simple prayer:

Lord, if you can do anything with the mess I've made of my life, I give you my life.

This wanderer came home that night. All because a man named Bill was willing to "go get the wanderer."

My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. James 5:19-20

Bill went home to heaven in 2012 and I never got to share with him what God did with that lost young woman's life. But, this is my tribute to Bill Marx and his wife, Pat who loved and prayed for me, invited me to church and let God do the rest. To Him be the glory!

Bill Marx born June 29, 1948, died October 11, 2012, now in the presence of His LORD.