Change Your Legacy

I was with my daughter and granddaughter last week for some "Nana time." I have to say that I am overjoyed to be a Nana. Although many of my friends told me how "great" it was, I have had to correct them by saying, "it is even greater than great!" I don't think I was prepared for how special it is because my grandparents were quite elderly when I was a child. Although I spent time with them on a few occasions, my grandparents were far too old to get down on the floor and play and from a generational perspective, they were there to provide supervision not playful interaction. I'm happy to say that times have changed!

I love to see my granddaughter first thing in the morning after she's been fed. She is all smiles and my heart just leaps when she reaches out for me to take her from my daughter's arms. We play, go on walks, and look for birdies flying high up in the sky. It's such a joy to spend time with her and to give my daughter a little break from her day to day routine. It also brings me joy to give to my daughter something I never had.

When I was pregnant with our oldest daughter I saw my friends' mothers jump at the chance to help get the nursery ready, buy cute little outfits or soft, cuddly blankets, and anticipate the birth of their grandchild. Not so with my mom. There wasn't even a visit at the hospital. After giving birth, I had to beg my mom to come down to stay with us for a few days. She was very reluctant asking me "who will style your dad's hair when I am away?" After only two days she was back at home carrying out her obligations to my dad and my younger brother.

Even though it was very painful at the time, I think experiencing that loss has actually increased my capacity for joy when it comes to being a "nana." I think it is also why I chose to be called "Nana" instead of "Grandma," which was more common in my family. It was time to start something new. Unfortunately, neither of my daughters had a significant relationship with their grandparents. On my husband's side there was the alcoholism of his father and the co-dependence of his mother that limited our contact. My mother-in-law could not drive so it wasn't until our daughters were older that we could provide more frequent transportation for her to visit in our home after Don's father was deceased. On my side of the family, there were necessary boundaries which I specifically spelled out to my parents that my children would never stay in my parent's home, due to the sexual abuse my sister and I experienced as children. Even though our relationship was restored my mother never initiated relationship with either of my daughters their entire lives through a phone call, letter or outing. She faithfully sent them birthday cards each year with a small monetary gift, but that was the extent of their connection.  

I felt sad as a mother of young children that they did not have any significant relationship with either sets of their grandparents, but as children, they really didn't experience the loss. It wasn't until they reached their teen years and saw the involvement of their friends' grandparents at games, musical events, or parties that my daughters noticed the void. Although I invited my parents to their events the hour drive was too big an obstacle for them to overcome. It wasn't until my daughters became adults and initiated contact with my mom that anything changed. I know my mom was blessed whenever they called her to get a recipe or just to chat. My youngest daughter even stayed with my mom post knee surgery for a couple days.

I feel sadder for my mom, now that I'm a nana. She missed so much. But, I'm so grateful that any legacy can change. It is up to me as to whether that happens or not, and it's up to you as well. God is a God who changes legacies. He just asks for our cooperation.

Do you want to increase your joy capacity? Say "yes" when He asks!

If you want to know more about the restoration that occurred in my family, you might want to read my latest book, Honoring Dishonorable Parents: Helping Heal and Restore Family Relationships. Here's the link: http://www.janfrank.org/resources/

Words for Every Parent

I came across something in my devotional time this week that I wanted to share. For those of you who have kindly responded to my recent blog series "Have I Failed My Children?" this excerpt from Jesus Calling on May 9 is so appropriate. Sit down for a minute and take it in.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I can bring good out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design...I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and watch and see what I will do."

I hope these words encouraged you as much as they did me! And what a great precursor to Mother's Day which we celebrated on Sunday, May 10 here in the U.S. If you're like me, there are days that you wholeheartedly can take these words in and other days when it seems as though they were meant for everyone else. Maybe share with a close friend these words and give them permission to read them back to you and pray them over you when you find yourself "lamenting' again over your "morass of mistakes."

Dear Jesus, would You wash over us today with the truth of who You are and what You are capable of doing in our hearts and the hearts of our children. And would You pour out Your kindness Lord, that leads to repentance.

Have I Failed My Children? Part V

I suppose it's about time that I answered that question. Have I failed my children? Yes, I have. Have I made mistakes that I regret? Yes, absolutely. Would I do things differently now if I had the chance? Yes, I would. Am I different than any other parent who is willing to be honest with themselves? No, I'm not. And finally, do I genuinely believe that God is able to redeem my mistakes and failures by His grace, sovereignty and mercy? Yes, without a doubt.

In my study of Jacob's life in Genesis, I came across a cross reference in the New Testament in Romans 9:10-16 that sheds further light on the story:

"Not only that, but Rebekah's children had one and the same father, our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad--in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls--she was told 'the older will serve the younger.' Just as it is written: 'Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.' What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy."

This is a difficult passage to understand, so I dug into my commentaries to get a more complete understanding. Two things seemed to stand out to me. First, God does not always follow tradition, nor is He "obligated" to us by virtue of our behavior or our "good works". God's sovereign choosing is His to display. We may not always (if ever) understand why He ordains certain circumstances and chooses to refrain from others. Second, God's sovereign choosing incorporates the free will of man and His sovereign purposes.  Somehow, by His divine nature He is able to meld these together in perfect harmony for the benefit of those He loves. This passage illuminates for us that God has the "divine right" to demonstrate His mercy and compassion on whomever He chooses.

For some whose image of God is distorted or immature, this may seem to paint a "capricious" picture of God. But to others, who know themselves and have tasted the abundance of His grace in their own lives, it is the source of deep and abiding comfort. 

I think this was true of Jacob whose multiple encounters with God's grace changed his life. Jacob, whose name meant "conniver" would have his name changed by God to "Israel" reminiscent of God's covenant promise to Abraham. God's own covenant people, Israel, would be birthed through Jacob's line as promised to Rebekah even before his birth.

In Genesis 49 we read Jacob's final blessings pronounced upon his twelve sons, who represent the tribes of Israel. In the middle of his blessing upon Joseph he speaks about God's faithfulness that sustained Joseph. This is what he says:

"But his [Joseph] bow remained steady, his strong arms stayed limber, because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob, because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel, because of your father's God who helps you, because of the Almighty [Shaddai- the God who provides], who blesses you with blessings of the heavens above... Your father's [Jacob's] blessings are greater than the blessings of the ancient mountains, than bounty of the age-old hills."

At the end of his life we see no more of the conniver. We see a man convinced of the gracious hand of God at work in his own life and in the life of his sons who represent the future of God's covenant people, Israel.

This is where I find myself today. Have I failed my children in some ways? Yes, but I am convinced that the same God who rescued a little girl at age 10 whose life was being ravaged by abuse, is the same God who graciously demonstrates His love, sovereignty, and mercy in the lives of my daughters and my grandchildren both now and forever. Amen!

                                                                                 My first grandchild Averie Mae