What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew...Part 3

"We must stop trying to change their behaviors by making choices for them and by shielding them from the painful consequences of their actions or inaction. We cannot change them. However, we can change ourselves--and that is where we must begin." Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke

The above quote is NOT something you will hear directly from your adult child. But, it doesn't mean that on some level they don't know it's true. In fact, you may hear the opposite. You may hear how much they want and need your help in dealing with their current crisis. This is especially true, if you have previously stepped in to "manage" or "help" them solve their predicament. But, if you do end up rescuing them, you will experience something from them you never anticipated.

What is it? CONTEMPT. If you don't believe me, just ask a parent you know who has repeatedly rescued or enabled their adult child[ren]. Contempt is a "feeling or attitude with which a person regards anything or anyone with disdain or scorn; to be despised or dishonored." It is something most parents who "help" their adult children are surprised by when it occurs.

• "Why do they treat me this way after they've begged me to help them?"
• "How can they speak so disrespectfully to me when, without me they'd be in a serious mess!
• "I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't help him- but I'm also afraid of what will happen if I do!"
• "I can't believe she talks to me the way she does. One minute she's verbally vomiting all over me and the next minute she's asking me for a favor!"
• "I just don't get it. How can she look at me with such disgust after all I've sacrificed for her!"

If you've ever been on the receiving end of contempt it scorches the fabric of your worth. Most of us have felt it at least once, or we recognize it when we see it on the news. But, to experience it from our children is excruciating. How does this happen?

I heard an interview several years ago on Focus on the Family on parenting. Dr. James Dobson was talking about the need for "tough love" at times with our children. Then he said something like "when you rescue or enable your adult children it breeds contempt." He explained that he saw this scenario replayed on countless occasions and witnessed the confusion of heartbroken parents. 

I too, have witnessed it up close and personal. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was enabling my oldest daughter when she was an adolescent. At the time I thought I was helping, but in reality I was crippling her. It was in small ways like lecturing her about her homework or running out to get something for a project she'd put off until the last minute. In many ways, I didn't want her to fail so I took on the emotional responsibility to make sure she wouldn't. I stepped in to "help out" when I should have allowed her to experience the consequences. I didn't know how to show empathy for her situation, while at the same time letting her make her own decisions and face the consequences that resulted. 

I wish I'd read the above quote from Allison Bottke earlier.

Stay tuned to my next post to find out what a parent can and should do when they feel contempt from their adult children.

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew... Part 2

I love being a grandparent! Our youngest daughter and her family live about seven hours away from us, so it takes more than just a quick call and a drive across town to see them. I try to visit every couple months and end up spending a few days with them. Our grand baby is now walking, or more accurately, running around the house at 15 months. She's a very active, verbal little girl who seems to always want new and different things to explore. Nana is happy to accommodate!

On my last visit, my daughter Kellie said, "Mom, I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure honey, what is it?" I asked.

"Well, you know we love you to spend time with us, and Averie loves it when you're here" she said. "But, after you left last time, it took me a week to get Averie back to the place where she didn't want constant attention. Mom, I want you to sit and play with her because I know that's part of being a Nana, but I don't want you to do it all the time. After you left last time, she whined whenever I left the room. She had to re-learn how to play by herself without my undivided attention."

"Oh honey, I understand. I'll try my best to be more balanced" I said reassuringly.

"Also, Mom, don't pick up Averie when she's whiny. We're trying not to reinforce that. We just try to pat her or verbally reassure her, but not to pick her up when she whines."

I knew this was reasonable and even warranted, but all I could see in my mind's eye was my sweet little grand daughter with arms lifted looking longingly into my eyes saying "Please Nana, pick me up!" I realized in that moment that I'd come face to face with my limits. I am not the parent, I am the grand parent. And although there are great benefits to being a grand parent who can lavish love, patience, undivided attention, toys, kisses, tickles, and make-believe play, I have limits as defined by her parents. I also have a choice to honor those limits or to ignore them.

What do your adult children want you to know? They want you to know they love and appreciate all you do for them and their children, but they also want you to respect their decisions when it comes to the welfare of their children, your grandchildren.*

*excludes any parental practices that are legally defined as abusive

What Your Adult Children Wish You Knew, But Are Afraid to Tell You

I have had unique opportunities to spend significant time with men and women who are similar in age to my own adult children. I’ve learned a lot from them in the process.

In my next few posts, I will be sharing some of what I’ve learned and tried to implement in my own relationships. I want you to know from the outset that I haven’t done this perfectly, as my daughters will attest! But, I do have a heart for these younger adults who genuinely long to have a healthy relationship with their parents, but find it difficult in light of their parents’ expectations.

One of the first areas that these young adults talked with me about was what they should do about the holidays. Many couples expressed considerable stress and anxiety over not wanting to disappoint their respective families, but were conflicted about what was best for them as a family and what their families expected from them. I distinctly remember one couple with three children expressing their dread for the upcoming holidays. The husband’s parents were divorced and both had remarried and lived two hours away and the wife’s parents lived locally. They were sharing with me their angst over spending their entire Christmas between the three houses.

“If you could do what you wanted to do Christmas day” I asked. “What would you do?"

Without hesitation they said in unison, “We’d stay home with our kids.”

“So, why don’t you do that?” I asked. They looked at me dumb-founded.

“Our parents would never go for that idea” the husband declared.

“Have you ever told your parents that you’d like to stay home with your kids and start your own tradition?” I queried.

“No,” the wife said, “but they’ve all made it clear that their holidays would be ‘meaningless’ without getting to see the grandchildren."

We continued talking and I asked them both to think about having a conversation with their respective parents to express their wishes. At first, they couldn’t imagine it, but after awhile, we talked about some alternatives. Could they arrange to visit the husband’s parents who lived out of town on a weekend prior to Christmas or ask them to come down the day after Christmas? Could the wife’s parents who lived locally come over on Christmas eve to share in their grand children’s excitement and open one gift from them that evening? We talked about several possibilities and the more we talked the more relaxed and hopeful they became.

So, if you’re a parent of adult children here’s a gift you can give them:

Respect their decisions regarding where they spend the holidays and enjoy whatever time you spend with them.

It’s the best gift you can give them!