The Peril of Pretending

If you haven't seen my podcast about dealing with difficult families, go to my Media page on my web-site now. The following post addresses the issue of "pretending" that I speak about briefly on the podcast.

Growing up in my family was the same. We went to church Sunday after Sunday looking like the "normal" Christian family while the foundations at home were being destroyed. My parents didn't set out to hurt or abuse us--they just did what they'd done most of their lives. They lived with secrets and shame that were never exposed to the light and the underground web of denial and pretense bore fruit in our family life.

I remember a specific incident as a teenager. When I was 16, I came home from school one day to find out from my mother that my stepfather was having an affair. I was beside myself. Not because I was shocked by his behavior, but because my mother was incapable or unwilling to address this. She confided in me, but forbade me to say anything to anyone. Now I was ensnared by the peril of pretending. I've found that once we become entangled in the perilous web of pretending, it is difficult to break free. There are usually lies upon lies or as presented "shades of the truth" that have existed for decades and no one dare try to break free because each member has in some way been complicit in the facade that exists.

The peril of pretending is that once you start, it's hard to stop. Do you find yourself caught in a similar web? Is it easier to "go with the flow" rather than deal with what is true? Did you know that you can break through this pattern today by choosing to deal with what is true in your own life? I'm not urging you to "blow the whistle" on anyone in your family or circle of friends. I'm saying that you are responsible for yourself. Is there something you've been pretending about for the sake of your image? your family? your Christian witness?

It's time to come clean. Jesus is waiting. He always dealt harshly with the "posers" of His day, but He had an abundance of grace for those who humbly came before Him, admitting who they really are.

By-Laws for In-Laws

I am learning about being a mother-in-law. Since our daughter, son-in-law and grand baby live about seven hours away, our kids don't have to deal with us being daily "drop-by" in-laws. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Parents who "just happened to be in the neighborhood" and thought they'd "drop-by" for a few minutes, right in the middle of piano practice, homework, or predictable afternoon "meltdowns." 

Instead, we are the "move-in" in-laws. We move into the extra bedroom of their house for a few days at a time, and although, we try to be very sensitive and helpful, it causes some disruption and necessitates adjustments on both of our parts. For instance, the guest bed usually serves our daughter as the swaddling platform for wrapping the baby before nap time. The guest bed is ideal because its closest to the baby's room, it's more elevated, and is usually free of unfolded laundry or crumpled bed linens. I noticed on our last visit, that my daughter headed straight for our bedroom with the baby, only to discover sweatshirts and some of our other clothing strewn across the bed. She made no comment, but asked sweetly if I'd spread out the swaddling blanket on her bed so she could wrap our little punkin' for her morning nap. Our daughter, Kellie was not the least bit annoyed by this inconvenience, but I knew she was having to adjust her routine.

I privately went to my husband, Don and told him that we needed to make every effort to keep the bed "free" from clutter, which I knew my daughter appreciated. I knew this was not a "deal-breaker"--but, I also knew this constituted only one of several adjustments they were making so mom and dad could spend more time with them.

I began to think about the mistakes that "we" as in-laws often make. We look at the situation very one-sided. We look at all that WE are doing to ease our kids' loads like: helping with bath time, changing diapers, tidying up the house, helping with homework, taking out the garbage, or doing the laundry. But, even though that is genuinely thoughtful and appreciated, it still alters their home life routine. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Most of the time our kids wouldn't want it any other way, but, I wonder if you've ever considered what its like for them? Have you ever asked your adult children what is most helpful to them? Have you cultivated a relationship where they can truly be honest with you or do you get your feelings hurt easily? If your son or daughter were to ask you to do something differently, would you comply outwardly but resent their ingratitude inwardly? Have you spent any time looking at what you did or didn't receive from your own parents when you first became a parent? Believe it or not, your history with your parents or your spouse's parents as in-laws can make a profound impact on how you act as an "in-law."

This is the first in a series of "by-laws for in-laws." If you dare, sit down and think about what it was like for you when you first married. Write down some of your early observations and feelings about the role your parents and your spouse's parents played in your life. Did it change when you had children? As you look back on it now, do you see it differently? What would you want to do differently than was done? What do you hope to provide your adult children that was not provided for you? Are you sure that what you want for them is what they want from you? If you're brave, why not ask them?

Stay tuned for the next in this series...send me any thoughts, questions or concerns. I'd love to hear from you!   

In Need of a Do-Over?

I wasn't aware that I needed a "do-over" but God was. Many years ago when I was in the early years of my recovery from childhood abuse I experienced two events with my children that shook my foundation.

My daughter Heather was four years old at the time and went out to play in our yard one afternoon. Shortly thereafter she came running in the house crying with a bloody chin. It seems she'd fallen and scraped her chin on the sidewalk. I was beating myself up for allowing her to go outside and play. If only I hadn't done so. I hated seeing her in pain knowing I could have prevented it. A few weeks later our other daughter Kellie, who was about two at the time, contracted a bad cold. She was burning up with fever and was vomiting when we were driving home in our car. After she vomited the first time she couldn't catch her breath and I was terrified. I was sitting in the back seat with her feeling totally helpless and praying silently, but inside my heart I was shouting at God.

You say that You love Your children, God-- so WHY don't you intervene in their lives? Can't you see she is helpless and needs You? If I, as an earthly parent would intervene in the lives of my children, how can you stand idly by while they are hurting?

Several days went by and Kellie was slowly recovering, but my question to God still lingered in my heart. I flashed back to Heather running into the house, thinking to myself, I would have NEVER let her go outside that day had I known she was going to get hurt. And now, here is my helpless little two year old struggling to breathe, unable to sleep at night, and she is miserable. If I had the power, I'd heal her in a minute if I could!

As a loving Father, how can You NOT intervene in the lives of Your children?

I was angry at God. Not just because of my immediate situation with my own children. This anger had been stored up for years inside this grown woman, who herself, had once been a helpless little girl who suffered abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to love and care for her. Where was God then? Did He not care? Does He not ache like I ache as a mother who loves her children? How can He stand back and not intervene?

Three weeks went by and I was sitting in our living room watching our two girls play together with their dollies. Heather's chin was all better and Kellie had fully recovered from her cold. As clearly as any audible words, I heard God's Spirit inside my heart answer my question:

Jan, I see the end from the beginning. I see what you do not see. Even though I don't always intervene in the lives of my children, it's not because I don't love them. Just like with your girls, if you intervened in every situation in their lives, they would never learn to love and trust you. So it is with my children. Jan, you can trust Me because I see the end from the beginning.

Now here's the "do-over." We went up to visit our five month old granddaughter and her parents. The day we arrived, our little Averie came down with a cold. Our daughter Kellie had been sick for two weeks and was on the mend, thinking Averie had dodged her illness. Averie was very congested and could hardly breathe out her nose and her cough was waking her up during the night and nap times. She could barely nurse due to her congestion.

In the wee hours of the morning, Kellie just finished feeding her when I (Nana) took her into my arms to burp her. Kellie went off to bed to get a little more sleep and Nana was "on the job." All of a sudden, my sweet little Averie started coughing and vomiting up all she'd just been fed--not once, but twice. As I stood over the sink with my granddaughter in my arms and milk drenched my robe, the "terror" of my experience with my own daughters long ago surfaced in my mind. But this time, I had a different response.

Lord, I know that You are good. You love Averie and You love me. I trust that You are allowing this now, and I trust You to take care of Averie, even if You don't take this away. Thank you that I can trust You and that You're right now replacing that fear with trust. You see the end from the beginning.

Thank you, Lord for this divine "do-over."

Have you struggled with anger toward God? Do you wonder why He's allowed certain things to happen in your life? Have you ever verbalized or journaled your feelings to Him? Did you know He is big enough to handle your anger and loving enough to allow you to express your doubts? Then, be alert and watchful--you might need a divine "do-over" just like I did!