The Peril of Pretending

If you haven't seen my podcast about dealing with difficult families, go to my Media page on my web-site now. The following post addresses the issue of "pretending" that I speak about briefly on the podcast.

Growing up in my family was the same. We went to church Sunday after Sunday looking like the "normal" Christian family while the foundations at home were being destroyed. My parents didn't set out to hurt or abuse us--they just did what they'd done most of their lives. They lived with secrets and shame that were never exposed to the light and the underground web of denial and pretense bore fruit in our family life.

I remember a specific incident as a teenager. When I was 16, I came home from school one day to find out from my mother that my stepfather was having an affair. I was beside myself. Not because I was shocked by his behavior, but because my mother was incapable or unwilling to address this. She confided in me, but forbade me to say anything to anyone. Now I was ensnared by the peril of pretending. I've found that once we become entangled in the perilous web of pretending, it is difficult to break free. There are usually lies upon lies or as presented "shades of the truth" that have existed for decades and no one dare try to break free because each member has in some way been complicit in the facade that exists.

The peril of pretending is that once you start, it's hard to stop. Do you find yourself caught in a similar web? Is it easier to "go with the flow" rather than deal with what is true? Did you know that you can break through this pattern today by choosing to deal with what is true in your own life? I'm not urging you to "blow the whistle" on anyone in your family or circle of friends. I'm saying that you are responsible for yourself. Is there something you've been pretending about for the sake of your image? your family? your Christian witness?

It's time to come clean. Jesus is waiting. He always dealt harshly with the "posers" of His day, but He had an abundance of grace for those who humbly came before Him, admitting who they really are.

A Tribute to Dotty

Dotty Stephenson was like a mother to me. She was my 5th grade Sunday School teacher at the local Baptist church where my family attended church. Dotty was always dressed very stylishly and was adorned with color-coordinated, fashionably overstated jewelry common in that era. She was a beautiful woman with a love for God's Word and infectious laughter! She was a godly woman whom I respected and could talk to. It was in an evening service, at the age of ten, that I heard the gospel presented and I responded by asking Jesus into my heart to be my Savior. When I told Mrs. Stephenson the following Sunday what I had done--she was beyond exhilarated! She told me to open my Bible and write in the very front of it: "I was saved, January 17, 1965!" From that day, until this one, I have never doubted my salvation. (If you're trying to figure out how old I am, you can skip your calculation--I'm 60!)

Our family moved out of the area when I entered the 9th grade which ended my connection with  Dotty and her family. Somehow her son John reconnected with me when I was a senior in high school and he drove over to our house which was about 40 miles away. He wanted to show me the brand new car he'd purchased himself--a blue corvette! We went out to get a coke and take a spin in his new "wheels"- and that was the last time I heard from him.

Fast forward eighteen years! I was giving my testimony at a large church in Riverside, CA just down the street from that little Baptist church where I gave my heart to Jesus. I shared about my life in the church and my life at home. Although we were a "Christian" family and my step-dad was on the board of the building project at our church, he was destroying the foundations at home. I shared how he sexually abused both my sister and me and how it was not dealt with at all in our family growing up. I shared the story of how God initiated my recovery process when I was 27, in the early years of marriage.  God invited me to walk with Him through a healing process which included addressing the issues with my parents and ultimately extending forgiveness.

At the end of my testimony, a woman ran up to the front and enveloped me in her arms, and said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had known. I'm so so sorry that this happened to you!" It was Dotty. God reunited us after a 22 year separation. She attended the women's event that day, not knowing it was the little brown haired, big-eyed, ten-year old that sat in her Sunday School room week after week hungering for someone to love her. Since I used my married name, she had no idea until I was speaking, that it was me.

From that time until the day she stepped into eternity on December 23, 2014, Dotty and I were inseparable. For the next 30 plus years, she interceeded for me, my family, and my ministry. She prayed for every book I wrote and every speaking engagement that I shared with her. When I needed godly wisdom and truth, I called Dotty. She was a no-nonsense woman with a prophetic voice and she loved God more than any person I knew. She exuded His love and grace.

And now, she's gone. She has entered into the joy of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But, there's a little girl, who misses her "spiritual mother", friend, prayer warrior, mentor, and encourager. There's also a grown woman who is grateful for all the years she was blessed with someone so dear. Thank you Lord, for my precious Dotty. Sometimes I wonder what I will do without her. I shed a few tears and then remind myself how my precious friend is in the Presence of the One she loved so much, and I rejoice!

How to Pull Out of a Nose-dive...

What image comes to your mind when you think of "taking a nose-dive?" Most of us probably think of an airplane--in fact, it was the number one answer of the people polled for the game show "Family Feud."

The dictionary defines a nose-dive as: 1) a very steep dive of an aircraft 2) a sudden, swift drop or plunge; a rapid decline.

My curiosity led me to ask the question: If you're in a nose-dive in a plane, what is the right way to respond? I read a pilot's response to this question and it intrigued me. He wrote: "Power to idle, level the wings, then bring the nose smoothly back to the horizon. Once back in controlled level flight, use power as needed."

I wonder how many of us experience an "emotional nose-dive" during or after the holidays? I have to be honest, I experienced a "sudden drop" myself this year. It was the first year that I can remember that neither of our daughters came home for Christmas. Although we saw them both at Thanksgiving, Christmas just wasn't the same. It was especially difficult because it was our grand baby's first Christmas! At four months old, she won't remember whether I was there or not, but I will!

Even though it was our decision not to make the trip to either daughter's location, I was surprised by my sadness on Christmas day and started second-guessing our decision! All the reasons we considered prior to making our decision seemed to fade away in the midst of my "nose-dive."

Another factor that contributed to my emotional plummeting was the death of someone very dear to me on December 23. My dear "spiritual mother", Dotty Stephenson, went home to be with the Lord on that day. Dotty was my 5th grade Sunday school teacher and has prayed for me for fifty years! Yes, since I was ten years old. She was the one I always called when I needed wisdom about my kids, ministry, or when I needed her faith-filled intercession. Every major speaking engagement over the last thirty years, was covered in prayer by my precious Dotty.

She suffered a massive stroke in October, leaving her paralyzed on one side of her body and  bed-ridden. I saw her a few weeks before she went Home and verbalized aloud the cry of my heart: "What am I going to do without you?" Her wit could not be dampened even on her deathbed. "I'm not gone yet!" she said with a wry smile.

So, here's what I learned about pulling out of an "emotional nose-dive" around the holidays:

• Power down to idle: don't over-react or under-react. Take time to assess and think through your situation before acting. Recognize that you are at the controls and you need to "pull back" in order to respond appropriately to what is occurring.

• Level the wings: stabilize your emotions. This does not mean to ignore or stuff your feelings, but it does mean to try to level them out. One of the best ways to do this is to journal, talk to a friend or spouse about what you're feeling, or sit down and do what David advised in Psalm 62:8; "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

• Bring nose smoothly back to the horizon: focus on a fixed point beyond yourself that can give you perspective. It might take the form of gratitude; verbalizing to God and others what you have genuinely been thankful for this season. It might involve looking beyond your immediate situation to the blessings that lie ahead. It might involve looking back at all the ways God has been faithful in your life and choosing to focus on His character, His Word and His promises.

So, that's what I learned to do this Christmas. I learned to stop and assess accurately where I was emotionally. I didn't deny my feelings, nor did I let them plummet me toward depression. I was able to allow myself to "idle" for awhile instead of powering through like I'm so prone to do. As a result, I was ready to reach out to others to help me stabilize my emotions. I got out my journal and poured out my heart to God and I told my husband and a few friends about the sadness I was experiencing. It helped so much to allow others to "hold" me in my sorrow. And finally, I was able to fix my eyes on the goodness of God for all He had provided. I enumerated the blessings of the last year, spent time rehearsing how much I loved and benefited from Dotty's spiritual motherhood in my life, and reveled in what God promises in His Word is "yet to be."

Maybe you can't relate to having an "emotional nose-dive" this time of year. If so, be grateful--but also be prepared. The trouble with "nose-dives" is they often catch us off guard and we spin out of control. Don't let that happen to you!  

Waiting...again?

I wrote in a recent post that "Waiting is NEVER easy!" : http://www.janfrank.org/blog/2014/8/4/waiting-is-never-easy.

We are currently waiting for our first grandchild to be born! Our daughter is 7 days overdue. We know the baby is coming so we are waiting with the "eager expectation of something we know will occur."

When David wrote Psalm 27 he started out by saying:

" The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? the LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

He is reminding himself of who God is and has been in his life. Do you ever do that? Do you rehearse the ways God has been faithful in your life? I find myself doing this especially in times of waiting. I think back to the ways God has met me in previous times, how He has been faithful to come through even when it seemed hopeless. I've heard some pastors describe this as "preaching to yourself." It seems as though David, the Psalmist was doing this same thing. Even though there were adversaries lurking in the shadows, David told himself the truth about who God was and is.

David's conclusion to this Psalm has personally encouraged me throughout my spiritual journey. He writes:

" I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

David is saying he can't be swayed. He believes God's goodness will come forth at the right time and he and others will witness it.

Are you waiting for God to answer a prayer? Have you taken the time to "preach" to yourself about who God is and how faithful He's been in your life? Do you have the confidence David expressed--that you will see God's goodness in your lifetime?

David gives us a final admonishment in verse 14 when he tells us to:

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

We already talked about how "wait" in this scripture means to "hope in; to look for" and wait with "eager expectation for what we know will occur." To "be strong" means to "establish oneself firmly; to rally strength". And finally, to "take heart" means "to be alert; steadfastly minded".

If you're in a place of waiting right now:

1. Preach to yourself the truth about who God is and remind yourself of His faithfulness.
2. Establish your position and rally your resolve to wait for the LORD, no matter what.
3. Be alert to what God is doing in you as you wait--what is He teaching you about yourself and about Him?
4. Wait for the LORD--trust Him with all your heart, with your desires, your dreams, with your family, with everything you are: