A Tribute to Dotty

Dotty Stephenson was like a mother to me. She was my 5th grade Sunday School teacher at the local Baptist church where my family attended church. Dotty was always dressed very stylishly and was adorned with color-coordinated, fashionably overstated jewelry common in that era. She was a beautiful woman with a love for God's Word and infectious laughter! She was a godly woman whom I respected and could talk to. It was in an evening service, at the age of ten, that I heard the gospel presented and I responded by asking Jesus into my heart to be my Savior. When I told Mrs. Stephenson the following Sunday what I had done--she was beyond exhilarated! She told me to open my Bible and write in the very front of it: "I was saved, January 17, 1965!" From that day, until this one, I have never doubted my salvation. (If you're trying to figure out how old I am, you can skip your calculation--I'm 60!)

Our family moved out of the area when I entered the 9th grade which ended my connection with  Dotty and her family. Somehow her son John reconnected with me when I was a senior in high school and he drove over to our house which was about 40 miles away. He wanted to show me the brand new car he'd purchased himself--a blue corvette! We went out to get a coke and take a spin in his new "wheels"- and that was the last time I heard from him.

Fast forward eighteen years! I was giving my testimony at a large church in Riverside, CA just down the street from that little Baptist church where I gave my heart to Jesus. I shared about my life in the church and my life at home. Although we were a "Christian" family and my step-dad was on the board of the building project at our church, he was destroying the foundations at home. I shared how he sexually abused both my sister and me and how it was not dealt with at all in our family growing up. I shared the story of how God initiated my recovery process when I was 27, in the early years of marriage.  God invited me to walk with Him through a healing process which included addressing the issues with my parents and ultimately extending forgiveness.

At the end of my testimony, a woman ran up to the front and enveloped me in her arms, and said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had known. I'm so so sorry that this happened to you!" It was Dotty. God reunited us after a 22 year separation. She attended the women's event that day, not knowing it was the little brown haired, big-eyed, ten-year old that sat in her Sunday School room week after week hungering for someone to love her. Since I used my married name, she had no idea until I was speaking, that it was me.

From that time until the day she stepped into eternity on December 23, 2014, Dotty and I were inseparable. For the next 30 plus years, she interceeded for me, my family, and my ministry. She prayed for every book I wrote and every speaking engagement that I shared with her. When I needed godly wisdom and truth, I called Dotty. She was a no-nonsense woman with a prophetic voice and she loved God more than any person I knew. She exuded His love and grace.

And now, she's gone. She has entered into the joy of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But, there's a little girl, who misses her "spiritual mother", friend, prayer warrior, mentor, and encourager. There's also a grown woman who is grateful for all the years she was blessed with someone so dear. Thank you Lord, for my precious Dotty. Sometimes I wonder what I will do without her. I shed a few tears and then remind myself how my precious friend is in the Presence of the One she loved so much, and I rejoice!

How to Pull Out of a Nose-dive...

What image comes to your mind when you think of "taking a nose-dive?" Most of us probably think of an airplane--in fact, it was the number one answer of the people polled for the game show "Family Feud."

The dictionary defines a nose-dive as: 1) a very steep dive of an aircraft 2) a sudden, swift drop or plunge; a rapid decline.

My curiosity led me to ask the question: If you're in a nose-dive in a plane, what is the right way to respond? I read a pilot's response to this question and it intrigued me. He wrote: "Power to idle, level the wings, then bring the nose smoothly back to the horizon. Once back in controlled level flight, use power as needed."

I wonder how many of us experience an "emotional nose-dive" during or after the holidays? I have to be honest, I experienced a "sudden drop" myself this year. It was the first year that I can remember that neither of our daughters came home for Christmas. Although we saw them both at Thanksgiving, Christmas just wasn't the same. It was especially difficult because it was our grand baby's first Christmas! At four months old, she won't remember whether I was there or not, but I will!

Even though it was our decision not to make the trip to either daughter's location, I was surprised by my sadness on Christmas day and started second-guessing our decision! All the reasons we considered prior to making our decision seemed to fade away in the midst of my "nose-dive."

Another factor that contributed to my emotional plummeting was the death of someone very dear to me on December 23. My dear "spiritual mother", Dotty Stephenson, went home to be with the Lord on that day. Dotty was my 5th grade Sunday school teacher and has prayed for me for fifty years! Yes, since I was ten years old. She was the one I always called when I needed wisdom about my kids, ministry, or when I needed her faith-filled intercession. Every major speaking engagement over the last thirty years, was covered in prayer by my precious Dotty.

She suffered a massive stroke in October, leaving her paralyzed on one side of her body and  bed-ridden. I saw her a few weeks before she went Home and verbalized aloud the cry of my heart: "What am I going to do without you?" Her wit could not be dampened even on her deathbed. "I'm not gone yet!" she said with a wry smile.

So, here's what I learned about pulling out of an "emotional nose-dive" around the holidays:

• Power down to idle: don't over-react or under-react. Take time to assess and think through your situation before acting. Recognize that you are at the controls and you need to "pull back" in order to respond appropriately to what is occurring.

• Level the wings: stabilize your emotions. This does not mean to ignore or stuff your feelings, but it does mean to try to level them out. One of the best ways to do this is to journal, talk to a friend or spouse about what you're feeling, or sit down and do what David advised in Psalm 62:8; "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

• Bring nose smoothly back to the horizon: focus on a fixed point beyond yourself that can give you perspective. It might take the form of gratitude; verbalizing to God and others what you have genuinely been thankful for this season. It might involve looking beyond your immediate situation to the blessings that lie ahead. It might involve looking back at all the ways God has been faithful in your life and choosing to focus on His character, His Word and His promises.

So, that's what I learned to do this Christmas. I learned to stop and assess accurately where I was emotionally. I didn't deny my feelings, nor did I let them plummet me toward depression. I was able to allow myself to "idle" for awhile instead of powering through like I'm so prone to do. As a result, I was ready to reach out to others to help me stabilize my emotions. I got out my journal and poured out my heart to God and I told my husband and a few friends about the sadness I was experiencing. It helped so much to allow others to "hold" me in my sorrow. And finally, I was able to fix my eyes on the goodness of God for all He had provided. I enumerated the blessings of the last year, spent time rehearsing how much I loved and benefited from Dotty's spiritual motherhood in my life, and reveled in what God promises in His Word is "yet to be."

Maybe you can't relate to having an "emotional nose-dive" this time of year. If so, be grateful--but also be prepared. The trouble with "nose-dives" is they often catch us off guard and we spin out of control. Don't let that happen to you!  

B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues Recap

How were your holidays this year? Did you leave your family festivities feeling warm and loved? Or did you feel a bit isolated and ignored? Take a moment right now and think about some of the events of this holiday season. What were the factors that made a difference in your experience? Is there anything you would do differently?

In my last post, I talked about how a simple kitchen timer changed my relationship with my biological father completely! For years I tried to earn his love and approval but it seemed as though I always fell short. That is, until I realized that I was expecting something he could not give and it set me up for continual disappointment. I had to go through a season of grieving the loss of having an earthly father who loved me and was proud of me. In the midst of that process, I came to a deeper understanding of Father God's unfailing love for me--"what an indescribable gift!"

Maybe you're like me--you've been disappointed time after time and each holiday brings with it another wave of dashed hopes. Take heart! You can begin today to implement one or all of the tools we discussed:

Break the Rules!: Do something different from the norm. Change things up and see what happens.

Employ Safeguards: Set a time frame for visiting the family and stick to it; use a signal to escape a difficult situation; or take a time-out to re-group and re-evaluate what God would have you do

Adjust Your Expectations: Don't get caught up in either idealizing or catastrophizing. Have realistic expectations.

Take the Initiative: Realize that change begins with you! Be creative and find ways to preserve relationships in the midst of healthy boundaries.

Let me know what you tried this year! Share with me what worked and what you're still working on! Remember, change happens slowly--even in us. Don't become discouraged if you take one step forward and then the next holiday take two steps backward! It happens to all of us! Just continue on the path and modify when necessary. You'll find that it can actually bring joy and laughter to difficult situations and relationships when you take the focus off others and initiate change in collaboration with God's Holy Spirit! I love the following verse in John 5:17 because it reminds me that I'm not alone--that God is always working in me and for me!

Change Begins with Me!

In my last post we talked about the importance of "observing patterns" of interaction with your family members. This step was vital for me in my relationship with my biological father.

I won't go into all the history, but I will tell you that it took me YEARS to figure out that I needed to do something different when it came to interactions with my dad. Since my parents divorced when I was five, I really didn't have a relationship with my biological father until I was an adult. Since we lived in different cities, most of our interaction was over the phone. For years, our conversations would start out well, as we exchanged superficial pleasantries about family, trips, or my dad's health issues. This would last about ten minutes and then, my dad would bring up a topic to "bait" me into a verbal debate or conflict.

One day after hanging up from another hurtful phone call, my husband Don said, "Honey, this happens every time you have a conversation with your dad. When are you going to stop taking the bait?"

I'm embarrassed to tell you how long this went on in our relationship! But, Don's question made me realize something. There was still a little girl inside me who was hungering for a father who loved her. I kept hoping that one day my dad would want to know me and love me and that's what kept me taking the bait. I had to come to the realization that my biological father was really incapable of deep connection and really didn't know how to have relationship, not just with me, but with anyone.

I then had an idea! Instead of writing my dad off entirely, maybe I would try an experiment. In my last post I referenced a kitchen tool that changed my life. Do you have a guess as to what it might be? It was a simple kitchen timer!

The next time my dad called, I set the timer to 10 minutes. We caught up on his travels, on other family members, talked about the weather and his health, and then the timer went off!

"Dad, it was so nice to talk to you, but I've got to go now! Take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon!" Click--we hung up the phone on a good note. IT WORKED!

I used this technique for months! As soon as I saw my dad was calling, I'd set my timer. After a few months, I had to chuckle to myself, wondering if my dad ever noticed that I always seemed to be "baking" when he called or when I phoned him! He never noticed.

This simple change still works to this day-- I don't have to set my timer anymore, but I do have an internal timer that tells me when it is time to bring the conversation to a close. This simple technique has helped to preserve a relationship that I value, even on a superficial level, and it prevents further verbal conflict or hurtful behavior.

I learned that Change Begins with Me!

I also had to learn how to care for that little girl inside me who was hungering for a father's love. I had to grieve through the loss of not having a dad who loved me and I had to learn how to connect with others to get some of those deep needs met. I came to realize in a more profound way that I do have a Father who knows me and loves me dearly.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12