Have I Failed My Children?

"You've got to serve up what you're cookin'." Dallas Willard

I'm feeling compelled to heed those words as I write this post. What does it mean to "serve up what you're cookin'"? It means to "serve up" whatever it is that God seems to be stirring in your own heart, in hopes that it may nourish others as well. Here goes!

I've been quite introspective lately. Too much so my husband and some friends might say, but nevertheless that's where I am. I've been pondering the mistakes, sinful choices and attitudes of my heart that have seemed to shape my adult children. I see some of the ways they struggle as adults and I surmise how my parenting style and personality may be contributing to their present condition. Granted, the therapist part of me is working over-time. I don't ever spend time wondering about how my parenting and personality contribute to their triumphs and success--just the "negative" stuff!

I've wondered if my adult children are destined to be burdened by my faults their entire lives. Will they ever be able to overcome my faulty parenting and character flaws? Will it take a lifetime to overcome as it seems to be taking with me? Can God override these mistakes? Can my sins and failures thwart God and His plans?

Do you ever wonder about such things? Are you afraid that you might "ruin" your kids for life? Do you wonder if God made a mistake in placing your children with you? What would you "undo" if you could? Is there a part of your heart that is broken over what you see as your failures? Are you willing to bring those areas into conversation with God?

Didn't I warn you--I'm thinking way beyond my limits! All this thinking has sparked a renewed interest in a particular person in Scripture. His name is Jacob. I've started reading about Jacob's life and I'm hoping to share with you over the next few posts what God has been showing me about the questions I've been pondering.

If you'd like to join me, you can begin reading in Genesis 25:19-34. This is our first glimpse into Jacob's life--and his destiny.

By-Laws for In-Laws: Three Do's

In my last post I highlighted three don'ts for in-laws: Don't RESCUE; Don't CONTROL; and Don't COMPETE.

Now, we're going to look at three do's for in-laws:

Engage with your adult child in an

Adult-to-Adult Relationship

which means giving them mutual respect and consideration. You give them the same courtesies, boundary respectfulness, and conciliatory attitude that you would give to a co-worker, close friend, or neighbor.

Always use

Direct Communication

speaking straightforwardly to your adult children avoiding hinting, sarcasm, or relaying messages through another family member. Do not try to "read minds" or expect that from your adult children.

When in doubt

Ask for Feedback

especially when it comes to your relationship. If you're not sure if you're over-staying your welcome or over-stepping boundaries when it comes to your grandchildren, just ask. But, make sure you're ready to graciously accept the feedback- and abide by it.

These three simple "do's" can initiate a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship with your adult children and will pave the way for future generations. 

If you want more information on how to have healthy conversations with others, you might want to check out Boundaries Face to Face by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. In Part II of their book they discuss the "Essentials of a Good Conversation."

By-Laws for In-Laws: Three Don'ts

Before I talk about what NOT to do as in-laws, let me first say that I'm new at this role myself. Most of what I have learned came through my twenty year counseling practice, experiencing what it was like to have in-laws, and helping navigate couples through some troubled waters. I love being a mother-in-law and I'm learning first hand about relationship boundaries as it relates to my son-in-law and my daughter. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I just wanted to share a few things that I've learned along the way; hopefully, it will encourage you either as an in-law or as an adult son or daughter who's trying to figure out if your expectations are reasonable or not.

We're going to start with the "don'ts" in this post and address the "do's" in the next.

Rescue

your adult son or daughter from normal circumstances that all couples face. Financial issues, communication difficulties, or adjustments to married life. You can certainly be supportive in the midst of these circumstances, but don't tackle the problem as if it is your own! Don't jump into the situation to try to alleviate the issue even if you are asked to do so. Stand back, affirm and encourage, and offer suggestions only when asked.

Control

through guilt-manipulation, anger, or emotional abandonment. I think we're all familiar with television portrayals of the "meddling mother-in-law" whose primary method of getting her way is to dramatize her rejection and hurt in order to get her way. Don't try to make your adult children feel guilty about making decisions on their own or not adopting your methods! Using anger never helps to build genuine connection. And finally, don't use emotional abandonment to silently voice your disapproval. In case you don't know what that looks like, it is essentially using the "silent treatment" in conjunction with emotional detachment. Even if a word is not spoken, the message comes through loud and clear and it is a sure way to cause hurt, disillusionment, and distrust in your relationship.

Compete

by keeping score. It is easy to do this, especially as it relates to the other "in-laws" or family members. I've heard couples share the following statements made by their parents or in-laws:

"Well, you spent last Easter with her family so your father and I just assumed you'd be here..."

"Your grandfather is getting quite old and I'm just not sure how much longer he has."

"It certainly seems as though you enjoy his family much more than ours!"

Parents or in-laws who keep a running tally concerning holidays, birthdays, and family events may accomplish their goal of "keeping things even," but in time, resentment will build and it may ultimately result in a boycott.

There are probably more don'ts that you could suggest, but these are a few that are imperative. Next time we'll look at three important do's in relationship to in-laws. 

Have an issue with your parents or in-laws that you'd like to hear me talk about? Just contact me.  I'd love to hear from you!