By-Laws for In-Laws

I am learning about being a mother-in-law. Since our daughter, son-in-law and grand baby live about seven hours away, our kids don't have to deal with us being daily "drop-by" in-laws. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Parents who "just happened to be in the neighborhood" and thought they'd "drop-by" for a few minutes, right in the middle of piano practice, homework, or predictable afternoon "meltdowns." 

Instead, we are the "move-in" in-laws. We move into the extra bedroom of their house for a few days at a time, and although, we try to be very sensitive and helpful, it causes some disruption and necessitates adjustments on both of our parts. For instance, the guest bed usually serves our daughter as the swaddling platform for wrapping the baby before nap time. The guest bed is ideal because its closest to the baby's room, it's more elevated, and is usually free of unfolded laundry or crumpled bed linens. I noticed on our last visit, that my daughter headed straight for our bedroom with the baby, only to discover sweatshirts and some of our other clothing strewn across the bed. She made no comment, but asked sweetly if I'd spread out the swaddling blanket on her bed so she could wrap our little punkin' for her morning nap. Our daughter, Kellie was not the least bit annoyed by this inconvenience, but I knew she was having to adjust her routine.

I privately went to my husband, Don and told him that we needed to make every effort to keep the bed "free" from clutter, which I knew my daughter appreciated. I knew this was not a "deal-breaker"--but, I also knew this constituted only one of several adjustments they were making so mom and dad could spend more time with them.

I began to think about the mistakes that "we" as in-laws often make. We look at the situation very one-sided. We look at all that WE are doing to ease our kids' loads like: helping with bath time, changing diapers, tidying up the house, helping with homework, taking out the garbage, or doing the laundry. But, even though that is genuinely thoughtful and appreciated, it still alters their home life routine. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Most of the time our kids wouldn't want it any other way, but, I wonder if you've ever considered what its like for them? Have you ever asked your adult children what is most helpful to them? Have you cultivated a relationship where they can truly be honest with you or do you get your feelings hurt easily? If your son or daughter were to ask you to do something differently, would you comply outwardly but resent their ingratitude inwardly? Have you spent any time looking at what you did or didn't receive from your own parents when you first became a parent? Believe it or not, your history with your parents or your spouse's parents as in-laws can make a profound impact on how you act as an "in-law."

This is the first in a series of "by-laws for in-laws." If you dare, sit down and think about what it was like for you when you first married. Write down some of your early observations and feelings about the role your parents and your spouse's parents played in your life. Did it change when you had children? As you look back on it now, do you see it differently? What would you want to do differently than was done? What do you hope to provide your adult children that was not provided for you? Are you sure that what you want for them is what they want from you? If you're brave, why not ask them?

Stay tuned for the next in this series...send me any thoughts, questions or concerns. I'd love to hear from you!   

In Need of a Do-Over?

I wasn't aware that I needed a "do-over" but God was. Many years ago when I was in the early years of my recovery from childhood abuse I experienced two events with my children that shook my foundation.

My daughter Heather was four years old at the time and went out to play in our yard one afternoon. Shortly thereafter she came running in the house crying with a bloody chin. It seems she'd fallen and scraped her chin on the sidewalk. I was beating myself up for allowing her to go outside and play. If only I hadn't done so. I hated seeing her in pain knowing I could have prevented it. A few weeks later our other daughter Kellie, who was about two at the time, contracted a bad cold. She was burning up with fever and was vomiting when we were driving home in our car. After she vomited the first time she couldn't catch her breath and I was terrified. I was sitting in the back seat with her feeling totally helpless and praying silently, but inside my heart I was shouting at God.

You say that You love Your children, God-- so WHY don't you intervene in their lives? Can't you see she is helpless and needs You? If I, as an earthly parent would intervene in the lives of my children, how can you stand idly by while they are hurting?

Several days went by and Kellie was slowly recovering, but my question to God still lingered in my heart. I flashed back to Heather running into the house, thinking to myself, I would have NEVER let her go outside that day had I known she was going to get hurt. And now, here is my helpless little two year old struggling to breathe, unable to sleep at night, and she is miserable. If I had the power, I'd heal her in a minute if I could!

As a loving Father, how can You NOT intervene in the lives of Your children?

I was angry at God. Not just because of my immediate situation with my own children. This anger had been stored up for years inside this grown woman, who herself, had once been a helpless little girl who suffered abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to love and care for her. Where was God then? Did He not care? Does He not ache like I ache as a mother who loves her children? How can He stand back and not intervene?

Three weeks went by and I was sitting in our living room watching our two girls play together with their dollies. Heather's chin was all better and Kellie had fully recovered from her cold. As clearly as any audible words, I heard God's Spirit inside my heart answer my question:

Jan, I see the end from the beginning. I see what you do not see. Even though I don't always intervene in the lives of my children, it's not because I don't love them. Just like with your girls, if you intervened in every situation in their lives, they would never learn to love and trust you. So it is with my children. Jan, you can trust Me because I see the end from the beginning.

Now here's the "do-over." We went up to visit our five month old granddaughter and her parents. The day we arrived, our little Averie came down with a cold. Our daughter Kellie had been sick for two weeks and was on the mend, thinking Averie had dodged her illness. Averie was very congested and could hardly breathe out her nose and her cough was waking her up during the night and nap times. She could barely nurse due to her congestion.

In the wee hours of the morning, Kellie just finished feeding her when I (Nana) took her into my arms to burp her. Kellie went off to bed to get a little more sleep and Nana was "on the job." All of a sudden, my sweet little Averie started coughing and vomiting up all she'd just been fed--not once, but twice. As I stood over the sink with my granddaughter in my arms and milk drenched my robe, the "terror" of my experience with my own daughters long ago surfaced in my mind. But this time, I had a different response.

Lord, I know that You are good. You love Averie and You love me. I trust that You are allowing this now, and I trust You to take care of Averie, even if You don't take this away. Thank you that I can trust You and that You're right now replacing that fear with trust. You see the end from the beginning.

Thank you, Lord for this divine "do-over."

Have you struggled with anger toward God? Do you wonder why He's allowed certain things to happen in your life? Have you ever verbalized or journaled your feelings to Him? Did you know He is big enough to handle your anger and loving enough to allow you to express your doubts? Then, be alert and watchful--you might need a divine "do-over" just like I did!

A Tribute to Dotty

Dotty Stephenson was like a mother to me. She was my 5th grade Sunday School teacher at the local Baptist church where my family attended church. Dotty was always dressed very stylishly and was adorned with color-coordinated, fashionably overstated jewelry common in that era. She was a beautiful woman with a love for God's Word and infectious laughter! She was a godly woman whom I respected and could talk to. It was in an evening service, at the age of ten, that I heard the gospel presented and I responded by asking Jesus into my heart to be my Savior. When I told Mrs. Stephenson the following Sunday what I had done--she was beyond exhilarated! She told me to open my Bible and write in the very front of it: "I was saved, January 17, 1965!" From that day, until this one, I have never doubted my salvation. (If you're trying to figure out how old I am, you can skip your calculation--I'm 60!)

Our family moved out of the area when I entered the 9th grade which ended my connection with  Dotty and her family. Somehow her son John reconnected with me when I was a senior in high school and he drove over to our house which was about 40 miles away. He wanted to show me the brand new car he'd purchased himself--a blue corvette! We went out to get a coke and take a spin in his new "wheels"- and that was the last time I heard from him.

Fast forward eighteen years! I was giving my testimony at a large church in Riverside, CA just down the street from that little Baptist church where I gave my heart to Jesus. I shared about my life in the church and my life at home. Although we were a "Christian" family and my step-dad was on the board of the building project at our church, he was destroying the foundations at home. I shared how he sexually abused both my sister and me and how it was not dealt with at all in our family growing up. I shared the story of how God initiated my recovery process when I was 27, in the early years of marriage.  God invited me to walk with Him through a healing process which included addressing the issues with my parents and ultimately extending forgiveness.

At the end of my testimony, a woman ran up to the front and enveloped me in her arms, and said, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had known. I'm so so sorry that this happened to you!" It was Dotty. God reunited us after a 22 year separation. She attended the women's event that day, not knowing it was the little brown haired, big-eyed, ten-year old that sat in her Sunday School room week after week hungering for someone to love her. Since I used my married name, she had no idea until I was speaking, that it was me.

From that time until the day she stepped into eternity on December 23, 2014, Dotty and I were inseparable. For the next 30 plus years, she interceeded for me, my family, and my ministry. She prayed for every book I wrote and every speaking engagement that I shared with her. When I needed godly wisdom and truth, I called Dotty. She was a no-nonsense woman with a prophetic voice and she loved God more than any person I knew. She exuded His love and grace.

And now, she's gone. She has entered into the joy of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But, there's a little girl, who misses her "spiritual mother", friend, prayer warrior, mentor, and encourager. There's also a grown woman who is grateful for all the years she was blessed with someone so dear. Thank you Lord, for my precious Dotty. Sometimes I wonder what I will do without her. I shed a few tears and then remind myself how my precious friend is in the Presence of the One she loved so much, and I rejoice!

How to Pull Out of a Nose-dive...

What image comes to your mind when you think of "taking a nose-dive?" Most of us probably think of an airplane--in fact, it was the number one answer of the people polled for the game show "Family Feud."

The dictionary defines a nose-dive as: 1) a very steep dive of an aircraft 2) a sudden, swift drop or plunge; a rapid decline.

My curiosity led me to ask the question: If you're in a nose-dive in a plane, what is the right way to respond? I read a pilot's response to this question and it intrigued me. He wrote: "Power to idle, level the wings, then bring the nose smoothly back to the horizon. Once back in controlled level flight, use power as needed."

I wonder how many of us experience an "emotional nose-dive" during or after the holidays? I have to be honest, I experienced a "sudden drop" myself this year. It was the first year that I can remember that neither of our daughters came home for Christmas. Although we saw them both at Thanksgiving, Christmas just wasn't the same. It was especially difficult because it was our grand baby's first Christmas! At four months old, she won't remember whether I was there or not, but I will!

Even though it was our decision not to make the trip to either daughter's location, I was surprised by my sadness on Christmas day and started second-guessing our decision! All the reasons we considered prior to making our decision seemed to fade away in the midst of my "nose-dive."

Another factor that contributed to my emotional plummeting was the death of someone very dear to me on December 23. My dear "spiritual mother", Dotty Stephenson, went home to be with the Lord on that day. Dotty was my 5th grade Sunday school teacher and has prayed for me for fifty years! Yes, since I was ten years old. She was the one I always called when I needed wisdom about my kids, ministry, or when I needed her faith-filled intercession. Every major speaking engagement over the last thirty years, was covered in prayer by my precious Dotty.

She suffered a massive stroke in October, leaving her paralyzed on one side of her body and  bed-ridden. I saw her a few weeks before she went Home and verbalized aloud the cry of my heart: "What am I going to do without you?" Her wit could not be dampened even on her deathbed. "I'm not gone yet!" she said with a wry smile.

So, here's what I learned about pulling out of an "emotional nose-dive" around the holidays:

• Power down to idle: don't over-react or under-react. Take time to assess and think through your situation before acting. Recognize that you are at the controls and you need to "pull back" in order to respond appropriately to what is occurring.

• Level the wings: stabilize your emotions. This does not mean to ignore or stuff your feelings, but it does mean to try to level them out. One of the best ways to do this is to journal, talk to a friend or spouse about what you're feeling, or sit down and do what David advised in Psalm 62:8; "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

• Bring nose smoothly back to the horizon: focus on a fixed point beyond yourself that can give you perspective. It might take the form of gratitude; verbalizing to God and others what you have genuinely been thankful for this season. It might involve looking beyond your immediate situation to the blessings that lie ahead. It might involve looking back at all the ways God has been faithful in your life and choosing to focus on His character, His Word and His promises.

So, that's what I learned to do this Christmas. I learned to stop and assess accurately where I was emotionally. I didn't deny my feelings, nor did I let them plummet me toward depression. I was able to allow myself to "idle" for awhile instead of powering through like I'm so prone to do. As a result, I was ready to reach out to others to help me stabilize my emotions. I got out my journal and poured out my heart to God and I told my husband and a few friends about the sadness I was experiencing. It helped so much to allow others to "hold" me in my sorrow. And finally, I was able to fix my eyes on the goodness of God for all He had provided. I enumerated the blessings of the last year, spent time rehearsing how much I loved and benefited from Dotty's spiritual motherhood in my life, and reveled in what God promises in His Word is "yet to be."

Maybe you can't relate to having an "emotional nose-dive" this time of year. If so, be grateful--but also be prepared. The trouble with "nose-dives" is they often catch us off guard and we spin out of control. Don't let that happen to you!  

B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues Recap

How were your holidays this year? Did you leave your family festivities feeling warm and loved? Or did you feel a bit isolated and ignored? Take a moment right now and think about some of the events of this holiday season. What were the factors that made a difference in your experience? Is there anything you would do differently?

In my last post, I talked about how a simple kitchen timer changed my relationship with my biological father completely! For years I tried to earn his love and approval but it seemed as though I always fell short. That is, until I realized that I was expecting something he could not give and it set me up for continual disappointment. I had to go through a season of grieving the loss of having an earthly father who loved me and was proud of me. In the midst of that process, I came to a deeper understanding of Father God's unfailing love for me--"what an indescribable gift!"

Maybe you're like me--you've been disappointed time after time and each holiday brings with it another wave of dashed hopes. Take heart! You can begin today to implement one or all of the tools we discussed:

Break the Rules!: Do something different from the norm. Change things up and see what happens.

Employ Safeguards: Set a time frame for visiting the family and stick to it; use a signal to escape a difficult situation; or take a time-out to re-group and re-evaluate what God would have you do

Adjust Your Expectations: Don't get caught up in either idealizing or catastrophizing. Have realistic expectations.

Take the Initiative: Realize that change begins with you! Be creative and find ways to preserve relationships in the midst of healthy boundaries.

Let me know what you tried this year! Share with me what worked and what you're still working on! Remember, change happens slowly--even in us. Don't become discouraged if you take one step forward and then the next holiday take two steps backward! It happens to all of us! Just continue on the path and modify when necessary. You'll find that it can actually bring joy and laughter to difficult situations and relationships when you take the focus off others and initiate change in collaboration with God's Holy Spirit! I love the following verse in John 5:17 because it reminds me that I'm not alone--that God is always working in me and for me!

Change Begins with Me!

In my last post we talked about the importance of "observing patterns" of interaction with your family members. This step was vital for me in my relationship with my biological father.

I won't go into all the history, but I will tell you that it took me YEARS to figure out that I needed to do something different when it came to interactions with my dad. Since my parents divorced when I was five, I really didn't have a relationship with my biological father until I was an adult. Since we lived in different cities, most of our interaction was over the phone. For years, our conversations would start out well, as we exchanged superficial pleasantries about family, trips, or my dad's health issues. This would last about ten minutes and then, my dad would bring up a topic to "bait" me into a verbal debate or conflict.

One day after hanging up from another hurtful phone call, my husband Don said, "Honey, this happens every time you have a conversation with your dad. When are you going to stop taking the bait?"

I'm embarrassed to tell you how long this went on in our relationship! But, Don's question made me realize something. There was still a little girl inside me who was hungering for a father who loved her. I kept hoping that one day my dad would want to know me and love me and that's what kept me taking the bait. I had to come to the realization that my biological father was really incapable of deep connection and really didn't know how to have relationship, not just with me, but with anyone.

I then had an idea! Instead of writing my dad off entirely, maybe I would try an experiment. In my last post I referenced a kitchen tool that changed my life. Do you have a guess as to what it might be? It was a simple kitchen timer!

The next time my dad called, I set the timer to 10 minutes. We caught up on his travels, on other family members, talked about the weather and his health, and then the timer went off!

"Dad, it was so nice to talk to you, but I've got to go now! Take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon!" Click--we hung up the phone on a good note. IT WORKED!

I used this technique for months! As soon as I saw my dad was calling, I'd set my timer. After a few months, I had to chuckle to myself, wondering if my dad ever noticed that I always seemed to be "baking" when he called or when I phoned him! He never noticed.

This simple change still works to this day-- I don't have to set my timer anymore, but I do have an internal timer that tells me when it is time to bring the conversation to a close. This simple technique has helped to preserve a relationship that I value, even on a superficial level, and it prevents further verbal conflict or hurtful behavior.

I learned that Change Begins with Me!

I also had to learn how to care for that little girl inside me who was hungering for a father's love. I had to grieve through the loss of not having a dad who loved me and I had to learn how to connect with others to get some of those deep needs met. I came to realize in a more profound way that I do have a Father who knows me and loves me dearly.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

Take the Initiative

We've been talking about How to B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues. It is fitting that we talk about the final step today as the holidays are about to come to an end. The great thing about what we've talked about so far, is that all these steps can be used throughout the year, NOT just at holidays.

Let's do a quick review:

• Break the Rules!

• Employ Safeguards

• Adjust Your Expectations

In my last post, I talked about the fact that long-standing patterns within your family would not be easily changed, if at all. But, there's hope and it comes as a result of the next step!

Take the Initiative

I remember years ago in graduate school, we were learning about family dynamics and understanding the family as a "system" with various working parts and roles. I think it was one of my professors who had us think about a family like a machine with a number of working parts somewhat like a series of connected gears. I'm not much of a "techy" but I remember the professor's point: if one of the gears changes in anyway, it changes the entire working system. Because I'm such a visual person, I needed something I could see and put my hands on that would help me illustrate this concept, so I went immediately to the toy store. I found a "boy's toy" about the size of a small bath mat, made out of plastic with multiple gears that could be turned by a crank. It was perfect because the gears could be removed, placed elsewhere, or positioned in such a way to reverse the original direction of the gears in motion.

Take a moment to visualize this. This image may help:

The first thing to do in your family is to:

Observe the pattern

Too often in our families, we "absorb" our family patterns rather than objectively observing them. So, the next time you get together with family members, have a conversation on the phone, or have some type of interaction, just observe the pattern of how you relate to different family members and how other members relate to each other. You might notice things like: when sister Sally tries to interject her comments, everyone ignores her; or uncle Joe rarely voices his opinion, but when he does there is a lot of tension in the room; or when Mom complains about "no one" visiting enough-all the kids roll their eyes and try to change the subject. Whatever the patterns are in your family, the first step is to Take the Initiative by Observing the Patterns that exist. Try not to over-analyze them, just be an observer and notice what is occurring. Write them down and don't forget to include your own reactions to family members!

In my next post, I'm going to share how after years in my relationship with my biological father I took note of a pattern, and realized, if change was going to happen, it had to begin with me! I needed to do something different than I'd always done. I'd been a "gear" in the system, following the same old pattern, and I knew I must be the one to change my direction!

Tune in next time to hear what simple kitchen device changed my life! Can you guess what it was?

Adjust Your Expectations

Many of us set ourselves up for disappointment during the holidays by either idealizing or catastrophizing.

Idealizing: In your mind, making a situation better than it is in reality.

These are some examples:

• since Mom just got out of the hospital--she won't drink as much
• with all the kids around brother Joe will surely clean-up his language after our last talk
• after the big blow-out last Christmas, Dad won't let Mom be so controlling and ruin everything
• this year is going to be different, we're going to sit around the dinner table and have one of those Hallmark moments as a family!

Sound familiar? Maybe you're a person who doesn't entertain such idealism, but what about the other end of the spectrum? Instead of idealizing, do you try to protect yourself from hurt by catastrophizing? Here are some examples:

Catastrophizing: Taking a situation to the negative extreme.

• Dad will probably get drunk, fall into the swimming pool and drown!
• Sister-in-law Sue will verbally attack me in front of everyone and I will have to leave in shame.
• I'll probably get stuck sitting next to my perverted uncle again and have no place to go.
• Mom will play her "poor me" and I'll get sucked into planning and preparing everything again this holiday!

There needs to be a balance between being realistic about what to expect and at the same time not anticipating the worst possible scenario. Either of these two extremes set the stage for self-sabotage. What does that mean?

Let's think about that together. If you are a person who tends to idealize, by making a situation better in your mind than it is in reality, you set yourself up for continual disappointment and frustration. You're looking for change to occur in others who may or may not be interested in changing. If you tend to catastrophize by taking a situation to the negative extreme, you're really defending against the reality of the pain of an existing situation. In other words, you make it worse than it is, so that when you experience reality it is "less painful" than you imagined. You're really using catastrophizing as a way to avoid the pain, disappointment, or anxiety that you feel in a given situation, like a holiday spent with the family.

If you tend to use either of these, or both you may need to come to terms with reality. If there's a long-standing pattern in your family, it's not going to change easily, if at all. You may need to change your focus from idealizing or catastrophizing and grieve through the loss of what is. When we're able to grieve through the loss of what is, we are better prepared to take the next step, which I'll cover in my next post!

Do you have any ideas of what the final step might be?

How do you B-E-A-T the holiday blues?

Employ Safeguards

In my last post we talked about one way to Beat the Holiday Blues was to Break the Rules!

Sometimes we may need to break the rules--and at other times, we may simply need to:

Employ Safeguards.

Employ relational safeguards

There are three safeguards that can be helpful to employ if you have struggled in your relationships with family members or at other gatherings that may cause you some discomfort.

Set a Time Frame

Decide in advance the amount of time you will spend at your family event. Stick with this time even if things are going well! Don't make the mistake of waiting "until things that a turn for the worse." Begin to establish a new pattern and enjoy the "time frame" you've set.

Use a Signal

With a friend, spouse or other family member agree upon a signal between the two of you that signifies, "come to my rescue." It can be a distinct hand gesture, a tug on the ear, a repeated glance, or a discreet text message. Agree ahead of time what your spouse or friend will offer to you--your spouse may say, "let's go take a walk", or your friend might join the conversation to divert it in another direction, or a family member might ask you to assist with something in the kitchen that allows you to excuse yourself.

It's sometimes helpful to plan a diversion that will allow you to graciously exit an uncomfortable situation with the help of someone else.

Take a Time-out

Early in our marriage I found it necessary to take a time-out from my family. It became evident to me that before and after a holiday spent with my parents I was very irritable and out of sorts with my child and my husband. It wasn't because anything bad happened. We sat around the dinner table enjoying a lovely dinner with pleasant, but superficial conversation, and no harsh words. What was it that was causing my angst?

Pretending was taking its toll.

I had never dared address the abuse that went on in our home growing up. We all just pretended that it hadn't happened. I could pretend no longer.

I obtained some godly counsel and knew that for my own emotional well-being and that of my family, I needed to take a time-out from seeing my stepfather. When I made the call to my mom, it didn't go well. I told her that I needed to do this for my own emotional health and that I was not doing this out of anger. I just needed time to work through some issues. I was still willing to see my mom, but her response was, "if you don't see your stepfather, then you don't see me!" I was devastated by her response, but knew I must do this.

That time-out lasted a year. I spent that year in counseling grieving through the losses and facing my childhood pain. At the end of that time, I met with my parents and truth about what went on in our family was spoken for the first time. I know God was at work behind the scenes during that time-out period, both in my heart and the heart of my parents. Through that conversation, we began the road to reconciliation and restoration that lasted over twenty-five years. We were not going to pretend anymore. We would now have a relationship based on truth and seasoned with grace.

If you need a time-out, you may not need a year like I did--you may just choose to spend a holiday elsewhere to give yourself a breather. You don't necessarily need to make it "official" like I did. You can simply say, "I'm spending this holiday with my friend's family this year."

Time-outs are best utilized when you are pursuing other healing relationships through a support group, counseling, or a healthy body of believers who will undergird you with prayer and loving support. 

You may choose to start with only one of these safeguards- set a time frame, use a signal, or take a time-out to see what works best for you. Get some wise, godly counsel regarding your specific situation and try it out! Modify if necessary!

Stay tuned for my next post in this series on How to BEAT the Holiday Blues!