Break the Rules!

Unspoken rules in families are sometimes the strongest rules of all! Here are just a few common "unspoken" rules:

• don't ever voice an opposing opinion
• keep quiet--grandpa (or dad, mom, great grandma, uncle Joe) has the floor!
• we don't talk about so-and so's drinking problem
• don't ever share your genuine feelings
• family loyalty is our #1 priority
• pretending is valued more than the truth
• mom is too fragile to handle any criticism

Do you have any "unspoken" rules in your family? What are they? What would happen in your family if you broke one of those rules?

Could you relate to my client who dreaded the holidays with a father-in-law who dominated the holiday meal "conversation" in my last post? Here's what breaking the rules looked like in their situation.

I recommended they sit down together prior to the holiday and have each member of the family choose several specific topics of conversation:

• a sporting event at school they participated in
• a fun classroom assignment they'd completed
• some new technology they were using
• an interesting article or book they were reading
• a movie they'd seen
• an award they recently received
• a television show that made them laugh

Each person had several topics of personal interest to them, which they were excited to talk about. They agreed that each person would bring up any given topic when the conversation around the table lulled or when one family member finished their topic of interest. They also decided how to deal with grandpa's domination. They would purposely address him prior to commencing their "story" with "hey grandpa, listen to this" or "mom and dad, did you hear about Johnny's recent award?"

If grandpa attempted to divert the topic back to himself, someone would politely say, "wait just a minute, grandpa, I'd like to hear more about this story from so-and-so" or "grandpa, would you like to hear what I learned in history this week?" This type of intervention doesn't exclude grandpa from the conversation, like he's done with others; it helps to provide more of a balance of speakers and listeners.

When the holidays were over, my client reported what had transpired.

"At first," she said, "it was a little awkward because grandpa was totally caught off guard. He didn't know what to do with family members who were engaging in conversation with one another! At times he seemed frustrated, but when the kids directed some questions to him he was able to step into the conversation and feel included. At one point, he jumped in with one of his old stories and one of the grandchildren lightheartedly said, "Oh grandpa, we all know how that story ends...you didn't give up or give in--you finished the race with flying colors!" Everyone including grandpa laughed!

"It was one of the best holiday dinners we ever had and the kids genuinely enjoyed themselves too! We've decided to start this new tradition at every holiday dinner from now on!"

One way to B-E-A-T the Holiday Blues is to Break the Rules!

What might that look like in your family? Can you think of a way to break the rules with gentleness and humor? Talk about this with your family, a friend or someone who can offer some objectivity. Don't try to take on all the "unspoken" rules at once--just choose one and work out a simple strategy and try it out. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work the first time. You may need to modify it, tweak it a bit or use a more lighthearted approach. Try again!

Sometimes we may need to BREAK the RULES--at other times we may simply need to:

EMPLOY SAFEGUARDS which include things like:

• Setting a time frame
• Using a signal
• Taking a time-out

Stay tuned for this tool in my next post!

How to Beat the Holiday Blues

"It's that time of year again. I'm dreading the holidays!" my client said, her head drooping in defeat.

I asked her to tell me about what she dreaded most.

"It's the same every year. My husband and our three teenage kids go to my in-laws house for the holiday meal. We all sit around the table while my father-in-law dominates the conversation. He tells the same old stories we've heard over and over and when anyone tries to interject something or re-direct the conversation, they're immediately shut-down. Our kids hate going over there and I don't blame them!"

Sound familiar? You may not identify with that specific scenario, but I wonder if there's something about your family gathering that you are dreading. What comes to your mind?

Maybe it's the fact that alcohol is a big part of your family gatherings and it seems as though the more alcohol that is  consumed, the more the emotional level among family members intensifies.

Or maybe you feel obligated to be at family gatherings because you're the only follower of Jesus and you want to be a good witness and example. You dread the gathering because it seems like either you're excluded from conversations and ignored or, worse yet, a family member purposely baits you into a controversial topic of conversation around politics, religion, the veracity of the Bible, or abortion. You're just plain tired of it.

Maybe like me, you come from a Christian family that looks good on the outside, but if truth were told, there's some issues from the past that have never been dealt with honestly or that have been glossed over in the name of "forgiveness." You feel exhausted--"pretending" takes a toll on us both emotionally and physically.

So, what do you do? As I told my client years ago:

Break the Rules!

You may be asking the same thing as my client did:

• What does that mean? and
• What does it look like?

In my next few posts we're going to examine how you can "B-E-A-T" the holiday blues with a few simple but life-changing tools.

We will start next time with what it means to: 

Break the Rules!

What Did It Mean to Honor Your Parents Growing Up?

I spoke last week at a women's event on "Honoring Dishonorable Parents." I was so encouraged to see so many women of all ages attend. There were women with their babies, women whose children were in elementary school, women who had high schoolers, women who were empty nested, and women who were great, great grandmothers in the audience.

Before the event began, I was encircled by several women who prayed over me and the event and was touched by their sincere prayer that God would speak to hearts. Someone commented about the subject matter being "heavy." It took me by surprise a little. That's not to say that I don't agree, but it dawned on me that I had become so acquainted with this topic that I lost some of its portent.

Several women poured their hearts out to me after I spoke. Most were in a very difficult situation with their aging parents. Some were confused by what they were taught about honor in their families and what biblical honor looks like as adults. Others were thankful for the relationship they had with their in-laws, even though the relationship with their parent(s) was strained.

I asked the women to discuss four questions in their small group time. I'd like to hear from you as well. Here are two of the questions I asked the women:

1.  In your family growing up, what did it mean to "honor your parents?"
2. Now that you are an adult, has that meaning changed? In what ways?

I'd love to hear from you, even if it's just a line or two! Sometimes it's helpful to hear about others' experience as we're reflecting about our own. It helps us not feel so isolated and different.

Second Chances

"Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah the second time, saying, "Arise, go to Ninevah, that great city, and call out against it the message I tell you." (Jonah 3:1-2 emphasis added)

Have you ever sensed God prompting you to do something and failed to respond? You know the feeling...you sense an urging or even hear God's Spirit say something like, "go talk to that person," or "stop by so-and-so's house" or "take all that you have in your wallet and go buy that homeless person groceries." In your mind you rehearse all the excuses as to why you can't do what He's asking or you to do, or you brush off the prompting telling yourself that you just think you're hearing God.

I looked up in scripture how many times this phrase, "the word of the LORD came a second time" was used and with whom. It's used four times: twice in Jeremiah, once in Haggai and here in Jonah. Many are familiar with its usage here. Jonah was told by God to go to Ninevah to pronounce God's judgment upon it, and he runs the other way. Have you ever done that?

I love what Tullian Tchividjian says in his book, Surprised by Grace: God's Relentless Pursuit of Rebels, about Jonah's situation: "In light of Jonah's earlier disobedience, what could possibly be more stunning to him--or more humbling--than to be promptly recommissioned with his earlier assignment? And what could possible be more gracious of God than to offer him this second chance?"

I'm a Jonah. In 2006, God made it clear to me that He wanted me to write a book about Honoring Dishonorable Parents. I ran the other way for four years! I didn't get swallowed by a whale, but I was drowning in excuses as to why I wasn't up for the task. Then in 2010, on two separate occasions, "the word of the LORD came to me again."

The first came through a sermon our pastor was teaching out of Luke 5. It's about Jesus' calling of his disciples near the Sea of Galilee. Simon Peter and his companions had been fishing all night. Jesus was teaching a large crowd and got into the boat asking Simon Peter to move out a little from the shore. After He finished teaching, He told Simon Peter to venture out into deep water and "let down the nets for a catch." 

Immediately, Simon Peter responded, "Master we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." Scripture tells us that they caught so many fish that the nets began to break.

When I heard this sermon, I heard the LORD say to me "write the book." It was so strong I wrote  the date in my Bible at the top of Luke 5 and I immediately responded in my spirit to the LORD, "because You say so, I will."

I wish I could tell you that I went right to my computer as soon as I got home from church! I didn't! It was several weeks later when preparing a message for my Bible study out of James 1 , "be ye doers of the Word and not hearers only."  The "word of the Lord came to me a second time,"--write the book. This time I listened. I told the women of my study, I could no longer teach them in integrity when I was disobeying what I knew God was telling me to do.

I announced that I would step down the following year to focus on writing the book. I did. And now, four years later that book is about to be published.

As for me, I can only echo what Tchividjian writes in his book:

"God responds to great sin with great mercy!" 

Waiting...again?

I wrote in a recent post that "Waiting is NEVER easy!" : http://www.janfrank.org/blog/2014/8/4/waiting-is-never-easy.

We are currently waiting for our first grandchild to be born! Our daughter is 7 days overdue. We know the baby is coming so we are waiting with the "eager expectation of something we know will occur."

When David wrote Psalm 27 he started out by saying:

" The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? the LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

He is reminding himself of who God is and has been in his life. Do you ever do that? Do you rehearse the ways God has been faithful in your life? I find myself doing this especially in times of waiting. I think back to the ways God has met me in previous times, how He has been faithful to come through even when it seemed hopeless. I've heard some pastors describe this as "preaching to yourself." It seems as though David, the Psalmist was doing this same thing. Even though there were adversaries lurking in the shadows, David told himself the truth about who God was and is.

David's conclusion to this Psalm has personally encouraged me throughout my spiritual journey. He writes:

" I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

David is saying he can't be swayed. He believes God's goodness will come forth at the right time and he and others will witness it.

Are you waiting for God to answer a prayer? Have you taken the time to "preach" to yourself about who God is and how faithful He's been in your life? Do you have the confidence David expressed--that you will see God's goodness in your lifetime?

David gives us a final admonishment in verse 14 when he tells us to:

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

We already talked about how "wait" in this scripture means to "hope in; to look for" and wait with "eager expectation for what we know will occur." To "be strong" means to "establish oneself firmly; to rally strength". And finally, to "take heart" means "to be alert; steadfastly minded".

If you're in a place of waiting right now:

1. Preach to yourself the truth about who God is and remind yourself of His faithfulness.
2. Establish your position and rally your resolve to wait for the LORD, no matter what.
3. Be alert to what God is doing in you as you wait--what is He teaching you about yourself and about Him?
4. Wait for the LORD--trust Him with all your heart, with your desires, your dreams, with your family, with everything you are: