Enjoy the Now

Recently while at my daughter's home my granddaughter, Averie was having an emotional "melt down." Sometimes it's hard to figure out what is causing such distress when babies seem to cry for "no reason." Even though her tummy was full, her diaper was dry and she just woke up from a nap, there seemed to be nothing that would quell her crying. I took her in my arms, patted her back, spoke to her softly, and walked back and forth across the room multiple times while her screaming continued.

"Mom, how can you stay so calm when she's like this?" my daughter Kellie asked.

"Honey, I wasn't always this calm. When you and your sister were this way, it was a different story. I guess I'm just able at this point in life to relax and enjoy the now" I replied.

As I reflect back, I spent so much time as a young mom looking toward the next stage of my child's development that I sometimes missed what was right before my eyes. To be honest, I am not much of a "baby" person. I tend to enjoy the more interactive toddler stage. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. I'm not like some women who absolutely LOVE the baby stage. You know the type-the woman of any age who "ooohs" and "aaahs" over any baby she sees and rushes over to get a closer look or ask if she might hold the baby for just a moment, to get her fix. That was just not me.

When I became a Nana a year ago, everything changed. I was instantly transformed. Now, each stage is a gift and it just keeps getting better. Oh how I wish I could give young mothers the gift of enjoying the now. I wish I had savored each and every stage of my children's lives a little more instead of looking ahead.

I wonder, what "enjoying the now" might look like in your life? What is it that you enjoy right now in your child's life, your spouses or even your own life? Be specific. No matter what stage of life you may be in, there is something to enjoy. It takes only two ingredients: attentiveness and thankfulness. Give it a try--you'll be glad you did!

Two Words for a Mother and Her Children

As a young mom, I was eager to do things differently than my parents did with me. Some things were obvious-some less so. I was listening to Focus on the Family one day and heard Dr. Dobson interviewing Dr. Kevin Lehman. I'll never forget his answer to a simple question he was asked:

"If you could give parents only one piece of advice, what would it be?" asked Dobson. I remember waiting with baited breath to hear his answer. There was a thoughtful pause before Dr. Lehman answered.

                                        "Apologize when you are wrong."

His simple words were profound. They resonated deeply inside me and made an indelible impact. I experienced the kind of flashback of my entire life, commonly reported by those who are in a life-threatening situation. My entire childhood seemed to pass before my eyes void of even one experience of either of my parents apologizing to me. I desperately tried to remember a time when this happened because surely it must have. How could it not? And yet, there wasn't, at least that I can remember. From that moment on, I determined to do it differently with my children.

It started off quite simply, "Honey, mama is sorry for being so angry. This wasn't your fault. Mommy is reacting out of some of my own hurt. Please forgive me." It was followed by years of similar ownership with both my daughters. Sometimes I ended up apologizing multiple times a day, wondering if my words ricocheted off their ears failing to penetrate their hearts. It confirmed in my own heart how broken I was. As much as I did so many things different with my own children, I ended up hurting them anyway. Yes, I broke the cycle of abuse that had devastated my own life, but I wasn't the "model" mother that I so longed to be. 

Maybe you can relate. In recent years, I realize my expectations for myself were way out of proportion. I could give understanding and grace to others, but not to myself. I "should" have known better, I "should" have done better, I should have "been" better. I'm still hard on myself, but I'm learning how to embrace my human frailty with more compassion and grace.

My adult daughters would tell you that I apologized often during their growing up years and I continue to do so. I want them to experience their mom as one who was willing to own her mistakes and failures. I want to give them what I didn't have on so many levels, but I'm limited. I realized early on that I can't "do all and be all" they need. But, what I can do, is show them the same love, mercy and grace that I've been shown and trust Jesus to do the rest.

What's a Mother to Do?

I was talking to a young mom recently about things I learned as a mom with young children, and the things I wish I'd done better along the way. I know that each of us have a very unique experience when it comes to mothering. No two mothers are exactly alike and each child is one-of-a-kind, so all the best advice in the world cannot be administered in cookie-cutter fashion.

But, don't most of us as moms just wish that the advice we've received worked every time? As we listen to other moms, doesn't seem like they've got it together and we wonder why we're floundering? Why isn't mothering easier? Why are there so many variables that influence the outcome? What is a mother to do?

With all this said, I thought about some simple things I wanted to encourage young moms to do. Some of these things I was told by other moms, some I discovered on my own, and, all of them I failed to do at one time or another!

I remember as a young mom listening to a sermon by Pastor Chuck Swindoll on parenting. He admonished parents to say "yes" as often as they can. Don't misunderstand this--he wasn't advocating a liberal parenting style absent of structure and Biblical guidelines. He was just suggesting that we liberally affirm our kids' requests when they are within reasonable parameters for a child's age and stage in life.

I have to tell you that I couldn't believe I was hearing him correctly. I grew up in a home and church that claimed "NO" as their watchword! I remember as a child that there was always a "good reason" for my mother saying "no" to something. "It's too messy, too dangerous, too costly, too time-consuming, too much trouble, too unnecessary, too hard, too...too...too.!" So, as a child, I experienced "no" much more than I enjoyed "yes" as a child. Upon hearing this sermon, I determined as a young mom to grab hold of this and utilize it as much as possible.

I still remember one of the first times I felt caught in the middle of my new determination and the old "no" messages that rumbled in my mind. My daughters who were five and three at the time were playing in the kitchen and asked me if they could get out their Play-doh Fun Factory. It was about 3:00 in the afternoon and my first thought was "it's too messy!" I thought about the tiny bits of red, yellow, blue and pink play-doh strewn around my kitchen floor while I was trying to prepare dinner and get the table set and ready for my husband's arrival. Then, it flashed in my mind! "Say yes as often as you can!" I still remember how difficult it was to get that three letter word out of my mouth. I moaned that three letter word out in elongated form: "Yyyyyyyesssss!" I said to my girls and ran to the toy closet before my practicality could take over.

I was right--it made a multi-colored mess all over the floor. But, I can still hear my little girls squeal in delight as they showed me their shapes, the spagetti they made for dinner, and the play-doh animals that they saved to show their daddy that night. As I swept up the floor that afternoon I knew that "yes" was a milestone moment. Now as a Nana, I only wish I had said it more often!

Is My Anger Legitimate or Distorted?

"Distorted anger differs from definitive anger in one fundamental way. In definitive anger, there is always a wrong perpetuated; the anger is a response to this wrong. In distorted anger, a perceived wrong leads to anger--but the alleged wrong is only in your perception; there is no real wrongdoing." ANGER: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

In his book, Dr. Gary Chapman defines two kinds of anger: "definitive anger is born out of wrongdoing." Someone lies about us, steals from us, injures us, or in some way does us wrong. This kind of anger he says is valid anger. The second kind of anger he calls distorted anger and is triggered by dashed expectations, a grumpy mood, a disappointment or any number of things that have nothing to do with "any moral transgression." This kind of anger, is what Dr. Chapman calls invalid.

At first, I had trouble understanding the distinctions between the two. But, in the book Dr. Chapman offers a way to help distinguish which is which by asking a couple of questions. First, you must ask yourself: Was a wrong committed? (a violation of law or moral code); second, Do I have all the facts? An example may help here. Let's say my husband promises to pick me up from the auto dealer where my car is being serviced. He ends up showing up 45 minutes late without a call and I am angry. Is my anger valid? When I ask the question, was a wrong committed, I could answer "yes" because a promise was broken. But if I ask myself the next question, do I have all the facts, the answer to this question might be "no." In fact, I learn later from my husband that just before leaving our house, he noticed the sound of water running upstairs and discovered a water supply line was leaking all over the bathroom floor. So, before leaving, he had to make sure the water was turned off and he wanted to do some mopping up before he picked me up so I wouldn't have to do it. Hurrying out of the house, he forgot his cell phone and was unable to call me to let me know he would be late.

Now, I have to tell you that given the above scenario, I would probably still be angry because I would have expected my husband to call right after he discovered the water leak. But, that expectation alone, according to Dr. Chapman, would not justify definitive anger. As I really thought about these two types of anger, I realized that many times my anger is distorted rather than definitive because it has more to do with my perfectionism or unrealistic expectations of myself and others. This was eye-opening for me because I realized that much of my anger is fed by my own frustration or disappointment rather than wrongdoing.

So, how do I deal with my distorted anger according to Dr. Chapman? First, he says we need to approach the person with an attitude of "sharing information" and needing their help. Instead of me accusing my husband of "letting me down," "making me worry," or "breaking his promise," I use "I" messages to let him know how I'm feeling and solicit his help. For instance, "I'm feeling frustrated and I need your help." In this way, I'm owning my own feelings, without blaming him for them and I'm wanting to know more about the facts or situation that contributed to the circumstances. When I'm willing to do this, it helps to diffuse my own anger and give my husband the "benefit of the doubt" rather than making him the "bad guy" who let me down.

I have to tell you that this information is new to me. In fact, I initially resisted it when I first read the book. It took me a second reading to begin to embrace the differences of the two kinds of anger. I think it was partly because I reviewed the number of times I was "frustrated" with my husband over something that really stemmed from my own expectations rather than a moral failure or wrongdoing. I haven't even begun to look at the times this happened with my daughters growing up. I've decided not to dredge up a list, but instead try to work on changing my pattern in the future.

Can you relate at all? Are you like me when it comes to your anger? Do you find yourself making a case for why a person "should have" done it the way you would have done it? Or do you justify your anger by saying "I have made this very clear in the past! You just do this to irritate me!"

If you're really interested in looking at your anger, ask your spouse if he or she feels you have very high expectations. Ask how it feels when they sense they've disappointed you. Dare to  ask your kids what they think about themselves when you get angry.

Let me know what you think...is your anger legitimate most of the time or not?

 

Why Is My Anger "Bigger" than Normal?

If you've been following my blog lately you know I've been looking at the issue of anger. Many of us struggle with it but we hate to admit it. For some of us, our anger is more visible and recognizable than it is with others. Gary Chapman, in his book entitled ANGER: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way was especially useful to me as I looked at some of my anger patterns both in the past and presently.

I was reminded over the weekend of a most embarrassing moment by my daughter Kellie's friend, Marissa. When Kellie was in junior high she asked if she could go over to a friends house after school to work on a project. I knew her friend, Sanja and the general location of the house where she would be. We agreed that she would be back home around 4 p.m. and because Kellie had shown herself to be very trustworthy, I gave it no further thought. That is until 4:00 came and went. When 45 minutes passed, I got in the car. I was panicked inside that something bad had happened. As I drove up and down nearby streets, I finally caught a glimpse of two girls walking together in the distance. As I got closer, I recognized my daughter Kellie, but didn't know the other girl she was with. In a flash of anger, I screeched the car to a stop, got out of the car and swatted my twelve year old across the behind, all in front of her newly-found friend, Marissa, who was also working on the school project. Kellie was humiliated.

Kellie and Marissa remained friends throughout high school and college and were in each others' weddings. Over the years, Marissa would jokingly recount to others her first encounter with me and all I could do is shake my head affirmatively and "own" my anger. It wasn't until years later that I realized that underneath my explosive anger was a deep-seated fear and anxiety. Due to my own abusive past, I was fearful that something bad would happen to my children and I would not be able to protect them. Instead of processing through my own grief over not being protected as a child, I became hyper-vigilant and extremely anxious over the unknown, which I often expressed through anger. I'm still a little embarrassed over that initial encounter with Marissa, but, at least we can laugh about it now. (By the way, I have apologized to both Kellie and Marissa for my outburst!)

Don't misunderstand me. Being upset with Kellie for being late was legitimate. We had an agreed upon time and she was late. BUT, the intensity of my anger and subsequent reaction was beyond what the situation warranted. I've discovered through counseling that when our reaction in a given situation is "bigger" than the situation calls for, we should look for "historical roots." In other words, we are probably reacting not only to the present situation, but we are also being triggered by past incidents that carry a similar theme, which helps explain our "over-charged" reaction.

Can you think of a time recently when your anger was "bigger" than the situation called for? What was going on? What were you feeling at the time? Is there something from your past that triggers this same feeling? Take some time to write about this in a journal or talk to a close friend about your experience.

In my next post, we're going to look at two kinds of anger as defined by Dr. Chapman in his book. One is definitive anger and the other is distorted anger. You might be as surprised as I was about how to distinguish between these two types of anger.

Am I an Angry Person?

"Most people stereotype anger by assuming that it always results in shouting, slamming fists, or throwing things. However, anger is not that one-dimensional." (The Anger Workbook)

For years in my counseling practice I recommended the above mentioned book to clients who seemed to struggle with anger issues. I had it on my shelf for years and just recently decided to take another look at it. Drs. Carter and Minirth talk about how anger is often the result of "unmet needs" but may be expressed in a variety of ways. Even though, I'd had the book for years and recommended frequently, I'd never taken the time to personally take the inventory at the beginning of the book. I did today. I was a bit surprised at the outcome. Here are just ten of the statements in the inventory of twenty-five. See how you score and I'll share with you how I did.

• Impatience comes over me more frequently than I would like.
• I nurture critical thoughts quite easily.
• When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication or withdraw.
• I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.
• When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become persuasive.
• I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.
• Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.
• I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.
• I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.
• When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.

Before I share my score, I wonder, were you surprised that some of these statements were expressions of anger? I certainly was. I didn't realize that discouragement may sometimes be a sign of internal anger. In case you're sitting on the edge of your chair waiting for my score, here it is: I scored a perfect 10! All of the above, plus five more, were statements I checked on the inventory of 25. The authors wrote this about my score of 15 or higher:

This indicates you are vulnerable to the extreme ill effects of anger, rage, and explosions or to guilt, bitterness, and resentment.

I have to admit this is true. Although, I think I've grown, I am still vulnerable to outbursts and harboring resentment. I was reading in Proverbs today and this verse jumped out at me:

I've spoken rashly on more than one occasion. Maybe you can relate. If you identified with several of the 10 statements above, you might find The Anger Workbook by Drs. Carter and Minirth helpful. It provides a 13 step interactive plan to help you find healthier ways to express and control your anger. Don't be discouraged! Many of us did not grow up in homes where we were taught how to express anger in healthy ways. Take heart- its never too late to learn!

How I Learned to Talk to My Teen

When our daughter Heather was a teenager it seemed as though I couldn't say anything to her without it ending in a skirmish. Whether it was asking her to set the table, discussing her favorite television show, or conversing about our upcoming vacation plans. I am NOT exaggerating! This seemed to go on for weeks and finally one day, I'd had enough! After another verbal bout with her at dinner, I asked my husband Don if we could go on a walk together around the block. He agreed and we were off.

As soon as we got a little distance from our house, I said to him in a frustrated tone:

"I don't understand this! No matter what we talk about it always ends up the same with Heather. I just don't know what's going on, but I'm sick of it!" I declared. Don said in a gentle voice, "Honey, do you want to know?" At that moment, I was desperate so I said "yes."

"Honey, when you start a conversation with her, everything is fine, but then you get a condescending tone in your voice and she reacts to it."

I said angrily defiant, "Fine! I'll never speak to her again!" We continued our walk in silence until about half-way around our large cul-de-sac I said to my husband, "I know you must be right, but I don't know when I do that. I can't hear it in my voice." I then asked Don for his help. The rest of the walk home we worked out some signals that he would employ to help me when I was going down the road of condescension with Heather. As soon as he heard it from across the room he would take both hands, stretch them out in front of him and make a motion downward as if to say "calm it down." Or, at times he took one hand and waved it across the middle of his neck communicating "cut it out". At other times, he'd make the "T" for time-out sign with his hands or make a motion across his lips signalling me to "zip it!"

I wish I could tell you I learned quickly. I didn't. It took about six months of consistent signalling before I could hear my patronizing tone and make a change. Sometimes I slipped into old patterns and would catch myself just before the conversation deteriorated. Old patterns die a slow death.

Are you stuck in a similar rut with your teenager? Or do you find yourself threatening your ten year old with the same consequences over and over to no avail? Are you tired of having the same regrets over your interactions with your children? It may be time to ask for some help. You can solicit help from good friends who are beyond your parenting stage, from one of your parents, your spouse, or if needed, it might be helpful to take a parenting class or make a counseling appointment with a professional.

None of us are perfect parents. Just ask my husband. And remember, God is the Only Perfect Parent and He offers us grace, understanding, and the power to change as we humbly ask for help.

Understanding Your Anger

Do you remember how anger was usually expressed in your home growing up? Did your father express it differently than your mother? Have you looked at your own patterns of handling anger? Are there any similarities?

It wasn't until fairly recently that I really gave these questions thoughtful reflection. My daughters are both well into adulthood now, but I wish I'd been more intentional about dealing with my own anger issues prior to child-rearing and especially prior to adolescence.

In my home growing up anger was ominous. We were warned as children "NOT to make your dad angry." This instilled a great deal of fear which was magnified by my dad's critical perfectionism. Even though I don't remember my dad ever becoming violent or physically abusive toward my mother or us kids, it seemed as though this possibility was always lurking behind a closed door ready to strike at any given moment. We all lived in fear that we might be "the one" who unleashed the anger that had the power to destroy anything or anyone in its path. As a result, I learned at a young age how to "scope out" a situation and carefully avoid any triggers.

My mother's anger was different. I didn't have a name for it until I went to grad school. My mother was primarily silent about her anger. Yes, there were times that she would vocalize her displeasure by raising her voice at me, but her preferred method was silent withdrawal. I knew as a teen and as an adult when I'd made my mom angry. The emotional withdrawal and silence came through loud and clear. She would vacate and I never knew how long this would last, but I learned early on the only way to "get her back" was to tell her I was sorry and that I was wrong for whatever it was that displeased her.

Fast forward twenty years. I brought both my dad and mom's anger patterns into my parenting style. I didn't learn soon enough what it meant to "contain" my children's emotions and stay connected emotionally, especially with our oldest daughter Heather when she was an adolescent. I sure wish Dr. Townsend had written "Boundaries with Teens" earlier because it might have saved us a lot of heartache as a family. Here's a quote from his book:

Parents teach their children primarily through experiences, even more than through teaching and talking. But you can't provide what you don't possess. So no matter how much you love your teen, you have a built -in limitation, and it is this: you can only parent to your own level of maturity.

Let me illustrate. We were all sitting around the dinner table eating and I noticed Heather, now 18, was holding her head in her hand looking quite bedraggled. I said to myself, "Good! She's tired so maybe she'll stay home tonight and get some much needed rest!" You see, I was counting. Heather had been out for thirteen nights in a row. I knew better than to comment about my tallying so I just kept quiet, hoping her weariness would bring with it sensibility. All was going well and I commented about how nice it was to have her home. That is, until the phone rang at 9:30 p.m. My formerly lethargic daughter came to life and I was angry because I knew what was coming. She bounded up the stairs to get ready to go out as her mother's silent disapproval  reverberated off the walls.

When she came downstairs and announced she was going out for the evening AGAIN- I was seething silently in disbelief. As I shared my concern about her need for rest, she waived me off and that fanned the flame of my anger even more. With that she was out the door. I immediately started venting to my husband and my ranting continued until I knew what I needed more than anything was to cry out to God. So I went up to Heather's bedroom and got on my knees and began to pray.

As I prayed, I said, "Oh Lord, when is she going to learn. How can I get through to her? Please Lord show me. Father, I need your comfort and reassurance right now. Would you please give me a verse from scripture to comfort this aching mother's heart?" As I sat quietly for a moment, I sensed the Spirit of God saying, "James 1:19." I immediately responded back to God and said, "Hmm, Lord. I don't remember a lot of words of comfort in the book of James", but I pulled out my Bible and read aloud these words:

I heard the Spirit say to my heart, "Jan, your anger is not going to produce a 'righteous life' in Heather, and it's not doing much for your life either." I confessed my anger to the LORD and was then prompted to write Heather a note of apology and place it on her bed. I wept as I wrote that note, knowing that God was at work in my own heart changing patterns that I carried from my past into the present. 

This wasn't immediate--and in fact, I still struggle at times not to hold onto anger and bitterness. What about you? How was anger handled in your family growing up? What experience comes to your mind when you think about the anger of your father? Your mother?

Get out a journal and record any incidents that you recall. Allow yourself to once again feel the feelings you had as a child. As you do, act as a good parent would to the child inside you who experienced hurt. Offer empathy and understanding for any fear, guilt or shame that the child may have felt. Comfort that child and yourself by asking God to bring healing and comfort to those hurts. Spend some time thanking God that He is the Perfect Parent who knows you, loves you, and heals the broken-hearted.

What Every Mom (and Dad) Needs to Know about Anger

I've been reading a book entitled How to Really Love Your Adult Child by Chapman and Ross. I've had it on my Kindle for months and I started reading it months ago but lost interest. It wasn't because it wasn't good--the time was just not right. Has that ever happened to you? I can't believe how often that happens to me! I have several books that have "slept" quietly on my bookshelf or on my e-reader for months or even years, then one day, I just seem to be drawn to "wake up" the sleeping volume. By the time I'm finished, I know it was the Spirit of God who was wooing me "drink in" what the authors' poured out. Here's a quote from the introduction:

"The choice to be a parent is the choice to have your heart walking around outside your body as long as you live."

I don't think I could have absorbed this truth as a young mom, but as a mother of adult daughters I couldn't agree more. It seems to be different for me, however, than it is for my husband. I seem to "carry the weight" of their well-being more than he does. I have to wonder if that is just part of being the mother. From the moment of conception, we carry the weight of our children deep within us. Their triumphs and successes make our hearts soar, while their hurts, disappointments, and wanderings are tethered to our hearts for life.

What impacted most in this book is how the authors talked about anger.

"The way you manage your anger affects your children's (1) self-esteem; (2) sense of identity; (3) ability to relate to other people; (4) perceptions of the world; and (5) to manage stress and function in society."

Wow! One of the realizations I had in reading is that I often did not handle my anger well when my girls were growing up. I tended to either stuff it or vent it unbridled. I realize that some of the anger in my early years of mothering, was coming from the "unaddressed" and "unhealed" issues of my past. Although, I began dealing with the abuse I suffered as a child when I was 27, my early years of mothering were fraught with grief, anxiety, and deeply seated anger. I learned much later that feelings of powerlessness were at the root of many of my outbursts. I would often be overcome with guilt and remorse after verbally lashing out at my children, only to do it again the next day.

I still vividly remember a day when my oldest daughter, Heather was about four years old. She spilled something on the kitchen floor and I lost it. I saw the pain in her eyes as I spewed out my anger toward her. I immediately fell to the floor, took her in my arms and started crying uncontrollably. I told her "mommy is so sorry for screaming at you. This wasn't your fault. Mommy was hurt when I was a little girl and sometimes mommy reacts out of that hurt. Oh honey, I'm so sorry." I wish I could tell you that never happened again.

Maybe you can relate-either as a parent or as a child who had such experiences. Over the next few posts, I want to share more about the issue of anger. I'm going to share more of my defeats than my victories in hopes that you will be equipped to navigate whatever stage of parenting you may be in at present. I want you to know that wherever you are and wherever you have been, God's grace is enough. He knows, He sees, and He cares. He also redeems the "years the locusts have eaten."

Will you join me on this journey?