Words for Every Parent

I came across something in my devotional time this week that I wanted to share. For those of you who have kindly responded to my recent blog series "Have I Failed My Children?" this excerpt from Jesus Calling on May 9 is so appropriate. Sit down for a minute and take it in.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I can bring good out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design...I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and watch and see what I will do."

I hope these words encouraged you as much as they did me! And what a great precursor to Mother's Day which we celebrated on Sunday, May 10 here in the U.S. If you're like me, there are days that you wholeheartedly can take these words in and other days when it seems as though they were meant for everyone else. Maybe share with a close friend these words and give them permission to read them back to you and pray them over you when you find yourself "lamenting' again over your "morass of mistakes."

Dear Jesus, would You wash over us today with the truth of who You are and what You are capable of doing in our hearts and the hearts of our children. And would You pour out Your kindness Lord, that leads to repentance.

Have I Failed My Children? Part V

I suppose it's about time that I answered that question. Have I failed my children? Yes, I have. Have I made mistakes that I regret? Yes, absolutely. Would I do things differently now if I had the chance? Yes, I would. Am I different than any other parent who is willing to be honest with themselves? No, I'm not. And finally, do I genuinely believe that God is able to redeem my mistakes and failures by His grace, sovereignty and mercy? Yes, without a doubt.

In my study of Jacob's life in Genesis, I came across a cross reference in the New Testament in Romans 9:10-16 that sheds further light on the story:

"Not only that, but Rebekah's children had one and the same father, our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad--in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls--she was told 'the older will serve the younger.' Just as it is written: 'Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.' What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy."

This is a difficult passage to understand, so I dug into my commentaries to get a more complete understanding. Two things seemed to stand out to me. First, God does not always follow tradition, nor is He "obligated" to us by virtue of our behavior or our "good works". God's sovereign choosing is His to display. We may not always (if ever) understand why He ordains certain circumstances and chooses to refrain from others. Second, God's sovereign choosing incorporates the free will of man and His sovereign purposes.  Somehow, by His divine nature He is able to meld these together in perfect harmony for the benefit of those He loves. This passage illuminates for us that God has the "divine right" to demonstrate His mercy and compassion on whomever He chooses.

For some whose image of God is distorted or immature, this may seem to paint a "capricious" picture of God. But to others, who know themselves and have tasted the abundance of His grace in their own lives, it is the source of deep and abiding comfort. 

I think this was true of Jacob whose multiple encounters with God's grace changed his life. Jacob, whose name meant "conniver" would have his name changed by God to "Israel" reminiscent of God's covenant promise to Abraham. God's own covenant people, Israel, would be birthed through Jacob's line as promised to Rebekah even before his birth.

In Genesis 49 we read Jacob's final blessings pronounced upon his twelve sons, who represent the tribes of Israel. In the middle of his blessing upon Joseph he speaks about God's faithfulness that sustained Joseph. This is what he says:

"But his [Joseph] bow remained steady, his strong arms stayed limber, because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob, because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel, because of your father's God who helps you, because of the Almighty [Shaddai- the God who provides], who blesses you with blessings of the heavens above... Your father's [Jacob's] blessings are greater than the blessings of the ancient mountains, than bounty of the age-old hills."

At the end of his life we see no more of the conniver. We see a man convinced of the gracious hand of God at work in his own life and in the life of his sons who represent the future of God's covenant people, Israel.

This is where I find myself today. Have I failed my children in some ways? Yes, but I am convinced that the same God who rescued a little girl at age 10 whose life was being ravaged by abuse, is the same God who graciously demonstrates His love, sovereignty, and mercy in the lives of my daughters and my grandchildren both now and forever. Amen!

                                                                                 My first grandchild Averie Mae

Have I Failed My Children? Part IV

I learned something I hadn't noticed before when studying the life of Jacob. It isn't something that was written, but it was something that was missing. In Genesis 27:46 we read Rebekah's (Jacob's mother) last recorded words. We read nothing about her again until she is mentioned briefly in Genesis 49:18 noting her burial in the cave of Machpelah along with the patriarch Abraham, Sarah, his wife, Isaac and Leah.

So what's my point? Rebekah's last recorded words cunningly persuaded Isaac to send her favored son, Jacob away so he wouldn't marry a pagan wife. In reality, Rebekah wanted him sent to her brother Laban in order to save his life from Esau's vengeance. Before Jacob leaves home, Rebekah makes a promise to him that she can't keep. She promises to send word to him when it is safe to return. That never happens. Commentators believe Rebekah never laid eyes on her son Jacob again. All we know according to Genesis 35: 27-29 is that Jacob eventually came home to Hebron, and he and Esau buried Issac. It's assumed that Rebekah died previously, although nothing is recorded about her actual death.

When I realized that she never laid eyes on her son Jacob again, I felt sad for her. She tried for so many years to maneuver Jacob into the position she believed was rightfully his, only to die before there was any resolve. She never saw her boys reconcile. She never saw Jacob marry and she never saw her grandchildren. How did all this happen when things appeared to look so promising? Hadn't God promised before the twins were ever born that the "elder would serve the younger?" Where had Rebekah gone wrong? Wasn't she simply trying to "make sure" that what God promised would actually occur?

I don't know if you can relate to Rebekah or not, but I sure can! Did you notice in reading about Rebekah there wasn't a time that she inquired of the LORD? She never asked God what, if anything, she should do. She just decided to take matters into her own hands and used her ingenuity to try to work things out. I don't think Rebekah was intentionally trying to ignore God and His plan. I just think she was used to trying to orchestrate circumstances for a favorable outcome. Can you relate?

I remember when our oldest daughter, Heather turned 15. I contacted the Young Continentals, a touring Christian singing group. I was sure this would be a perfect fit for my teenage daughter. You need to know the back story, however, in order for this to make sense. 

Years earlier, when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed something very specific for the child in my womb. In those days, we didn't have the technology to find out the gender beforehand, so I just prayed that this child would be given a "beautiful voice to praise God with." I absolutely love worship, but I am NOT a singer. I wanted this child to have what I didn't--a voice that could beautifully offer praises to the One who rescued me and given me new life and purpose.

I still remember the day I found out that my prayer had been answered in part. Heather's junior high choir teacher told me that Heather had a beautiful voice with a four octave range! I really didn't have any idea how good her voice was until that moment. I silently praised and thanked God for gifting her with such a voice. Then, I went to work! I was sure if I got her connected to this Christian touring group this was the sure answer to solidifying her faith and commitment. Just like Rebekah, I took matters into my own hands. Certainly God would use this opportunity to surround Heather with other Christian young people who loved God and the 6 week trip across the U.S. would be the other half of the answered prayer!

I won't go into the detail, but I will tell you that Heather called us once in that 6 week period to tell us she was having a fabulous time, that she loved "this" type of life, and that she didn't need parents! She ended up coming home at the end of that summer, more independent and determined to do her life her own way!

It has been over 17 years since that trip and I am still praying and waiting. I've learned a lot about waiting on God in these years. Most importantly, I've learned to trust Him to bring about His purposes in His time. And like Rebekah, I've learned the hard way that He doesn't need my help.

If you're a younger mom reading this, let me spare you some heartache. Learn early to fully entrust your children to God. Resist the urge to "help" God out when they are teens by orchestrating their friends, activities, or choices. Give them guidance and communicate openly with them, but let them fail, make bad decisions and don't try to circumvent the consequences. Let reality and grace be your partners, and allow God to do His work His way. And, you can pray the verse I've been praying over Heather all these years!

Have I Failed My Children? Part III

I told you in my last post to stay tuned for what God spoke to my heart concerning my sins, mistakes, and failures as a mother. Before I share these words, take a moment to check in with your own heart. Do you often feel like a failure as a mom? Do you rehearse the mistakes over and over repeatedly asking God to forgive you? Do you wish you could turn back the hands of time so you might have a "do-over"? Are you wondering if God is able to override the damage you have done? Here's what the Spirit of God spoke to my heart concerning similar questions:

"Oh child, I know how your heart aches. I am so acquainted with the ache of longing for my children to live in freedom instead of bondage. Jan, can you trust Me? Have I shown Myself worthy of your trust? Lay down all your regrets-all the ways in which you rehearse your inadequacies, mistakes and sinfulness as it concerns your children. Place them all at the foot of My Cross-for I died for it all. Receive My forgiveness and entrust it all into My capable hands for I AM the great I AM. I AM the only One who can redeem all sin and use it for My purposes...No more talk or dwelling upon past sins--look only to the horizon and the future of what I will do for My glory. Rejoice that all your sin has been atoned for and nothing can thwart My purposes."

You might need to read this over several times, as I have done over the last several days, to allow it to sink deeply into your heart. I thought a lot about Rebekah, Jacob and Esau's mother. She must have wondered the very same things, especially as the story of her family continued.

If you're following along the Biblical story, read Genesis 27. In it is the next part of the story between Jacob and Esau and their parents. The favoritism mentioned in Genesis 25 is fully displayed as Isaac invites his favored son, Esau to hunt for game in order to satisfy his cravings and then he promises to "bless" him. When you read this, it seems straightforward, unless you know the back story. Commentators agree that Isaac deliberately ignores God's prophetic words, "the elder shall serve the younger" by promising blessing to Esau. And then there's Rebekah. An overly involved Jewish mama who enlists Jacob into deceiving Isaac. She assists in the ruse by preparing savory food, helping Jacob disguise himself as Esau, and Jacob boldly lies to his father about his true identity in order to receive his father's blessing. It's a story fraught with trickery, deception, favoritism, and family dysfunction that could have been scripted in any contemporary TV series!

Where does it lead? You'll have to wait for my next post to find out! In the mean time, I wonder if you can identify with Jacob's family? Maybe you grew up in a family that was plagued by similar sins of deceit, betrayal, and abuse. You may have spent your entire life feeling as though you were not your parents' favorite--and that pain lingers on. Or maybe you were favored by one parent and you still carry the "burden" of having to live up to expectations that are too high.

Or maybe you decided to "break the cycle" in your current family, only to later discover that you replicated some of the very same patterns you desperately tried to eradicate. I understand.

Take heart. God understands more than you know. Take a moment and re-read my journal entry above and spend some time talking with the LORD about your own situation.

Have I Failed My Children? Part II

If you're just joining me in this post, you might want to go to the following link to read what has led up to this current post: http://www.janfrank.org/blog/2015/3/29/have-i-failed-my-children

I have been journaling my prayers since 1989. I have about 66 journals in my office, full of prayers, praises, and petitions. I'm not one to journal every day, but I do try most days to take time to read my devotional, Jesus Calling and pray. My prayers lately have seemed to focus on my family, particularly my adult children. If you were to go through the pages of my previous journals, you would find similar themes contained in my current journal. But, there seems to be an urgency, an intensity that pervades my intercession these days, in a way I can't fully explain.

I was lamenting to the LORD about how long I've prayed for certain requests for my children and how weary I am of praying. Here's a sampling:

"I'm weary of waiting, Lord--is that okay for me to say to You? I have prayed and fasted and cried so many tears. I have claimed verses and requested prayer for years. I have believed You and testified to Your goodness and I have had a thankful heart knowing it will come to pass in Your time...Jesus, my heart just aches because I know I am so responsible for how my children relate. Oh, Jesus I'm so sorry--oh how I wish I'd been more healed while raising them. Oh Jesus, redeem my mistakes, pull them out of the brokenness I caused and let them live their purpose in You."

I told you in my last post how these thoughts have wooed me into a study of the life of Jacob. I have to tell you that as I've studied, more questions than answers have emerged. If some of you have taken the time to read Genesis 25:19-34, you know that from the very beginning, before these twins, Esau and Jacob were even born, their personalities and destinies were set. They were at odds with one another in their mother's womb and it continued through their adulthood. You also learned that God had a plan. He spoke to Rebekah, the twins' mother before their birth about the boys' future saying the the "elder [Esau] would serve the younger [Jacob]." Last time I shared that Jacob's name means "deceiver."

What I didn't note last time is something very important that we read in verses 27-28:

The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Favoritism. We will see in future posts how it breeds an unhealthy family dynamic that leads to a lifetime of heartache. We will also see, however, how God's Sovereignty is at work even within and through the mistakes, character flaws, favoritism, and deception. Maybe there's hope after all. Maybe God can supercede all our human frailties to accomplish His purposes. Maybe our mistakes, sins, and failures as parents don't have the final word. Maybe, just maybe, God is still at work.

Where are you today? Are you sharing in my laments? Do you struggle to understand how God is at work? Is there a prayer you've been praying for awhile and seem to see no answer in sight? Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe God is at work in your heart, just like He is in mine.

Don't miss my next post when I share with you what God spoke to my heart about my mistakes, sins, and failures--maybe it's a message for you too!

Have I Failed My Children?

"You've got to serve up what you're cookin'." Dallas Willard

I'm feeling compelled to heed those words as I write this post. What does it mean to "serve up what you're cookin'"? It means to "serve up" whatever it is that God seems to be stirring in your own heart, in hopes that it may nourish others as well. Here goes!

I've been quite introspective lately. Too much so my husband and some friends might say, but nevertheless that's where I am. I've been pondering the mistakes, sinful choices and attitudes of my heart that have seemed to shape my adult children. I see some of the ways they struggle as adults and I surmise how my parenting style and personality may be contributing to their present condition. Granted, the therapist part of me is working over-time. I don't ever spend time wondering about how my parenting and personality contribute to their triumphs and success--just the "negative" stuff!

I've wondered if my adult children are destined to be burdened by my faults their entire lives. Will they ever be able to overcome my faulty parenting and character flaws? Will it take a lifetime to overcome as it seems to be taking with me? Can God override these mistakes? Can my sins and failures thwart God and His plans?

Do you ever wonder about such things? Are you afraid that you might "ruin" your kids for life? Do you wonder if God made a mistake in placing your children with you? What would you "undo" if you could? Is there a part of your heart that is broken over what you see as your failures? Are you willing to bring those areas into conversation with God?

Didn't I warn you--I'm thinking way beyond my limits! All this thinking has sparked a renewed interest in a particular person in Scripture. His name is Jacob. I've started reading about Jacob's life and I'm hoping to share with you over the next few posts what God has been showing me about the questions I've been pondering.

If you'd like to join me, you can begin reading in Genesis 25:19-34. This is our first glimpse into Jacob's life--and his destiny.

By-Laws for In-Laws: Three Do's

In my last post I highlighted three don'ts for in-laws: Don't RESCUE; Don't CONTROL; and Don't COMPETE.

Now, we're going to look at three do's for in-laws:

Engage with your adult child in an

Adult-to-Adult Relationship

which means giving them mutual respect and consideration. You give them the same courtesies, boundary respectfulness, and conciliatory attitude that you would give to a co-worker, close friend, or neighbor.

Always use

Direct Communication

speaking straightforwardly to your adult children avoiding hinting, sarcasm, or relaying messages through another family member. Do not try to "read minds" or expect that from your adult children.

When in doubt

Ask for Feedback

especially when it comes to your relationship. If you're not sure if you're over-staying your welcome or over-stepping boundaries when it comes to your grandchildren, just ask. But, make sure you're ready to graciously accept the feedback- and abide by it.

These three simple "do's" can initiate a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship with your adult children and will pave the way for future generations. 

If you want more information on how to have healthy conversations with others, you might want to check out Boundaries Face to Face by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. In Part II of their book they discuss the "Essentials of a Good Conversation."

By-Laws for In-Laws: Three Don'ts

Before I talk about what NOT to do as in-laws, let me first say that I'm new at this role myself. Most of what I have learned came through my twenty year counseling practice, experiencing what it was like to have in-laws, and helping navigate couples through some troubled waters. I love being a mother-in-law and I'm learning first hand about relationship boundaries as it relates to my son-in-law and my daughter. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I just wanted to share a few things that I've learned along the way; hopefully, it will encourage you either as an in-law or as an adult son or daughter who's trying to figure out if your expectations are reasonable or not.

We're going to start with the "don'ts" in this post and address the "do's" in the next.

Rescue

your adult son or daughter from normal circumstances that all couples face. Financial issues, communication difficulties, or adjustments to married life. You can certainly be supportive in the midst of these circumstances, but don't tackle the problem as if it is your own! Don't jump into the situation to try to alleviate the issue even if you are asked to do so. Stand back, affirm and encourage, and offer suggestions only when asked.

Control

through guilt-manipulation, anger, or emotional abandonment. I think we're all familiar with television portrayals of the "meddling mother-in-law" whose primary method of getting her way is to dramatize her rejection and hurt in order to get her way. Don't try to make your adult children feel guilty about making decisions on their own or not adopting your methods! Using anger never helps to build genuine connection. And finally, don't use emotional abandonment to silently voice your disapproval. In case you don't know what that looks like, it is essentially using the "silent treatment" in conjunction with emotional detachment. Even if a word is not spoken, the message comes through loud and clear and it is a sure way to cause hurt, disillusionment, and distrust in your relationship.

Compete

by keeping score. It is easy to do this, especially as it relates to the other "in-laws" or family members. I've heard couples share the following statements made by their parents or in-laws:

"Well, you spent last Easter with her family so your father and I just assumed you'd be here..."

"Your grandfather is getting quite old and I'm just not sure how much longer he has."

"It certainly seems as though you enjoy his family much more than ours!"

Parents or in-laws who keep a running tally concerning holidays, birthdays, and family events may accomplish their goal of "keeping things even," but in time, resentment will build and it may ultimately result in a boycott.

There are probably more don'ts that you could suggest, but these are a few that are imperative. Next time we'll look at three important do's in relationship to in-laws. 

Have an issue with your parents or in-laws that you'd like to hear me talk about? Just contact me.  I'd love to hear from you!

The Peril of Pretending

If you haven't seen my podcast about dealing with difficult families, go to my Media page on my web-site now. The following post addresses the issue of "pretending" that I speak about briefly on the podcast.

Growing up in my family was the same. We went to church Sunday after Sunday looking like the "normal" Christian family while the foundations at home were being destroyed. My parents didn't set out to hurt or abuse us--they just did what they'd done most of their lives. They lived with secrets and shame that were never exposed to the light and the underground web of denial and pretense bore fruit in our family life.

I remember a specific incident as a teenager. When I was 16, I came home from school one day to find out from my mother that my stepfather was having an affair. I was beside myself. Not because I was shocked by his behavior, but because my mother was incapable or unwilling to address this. She confided in me, but forbade me to say anything to anyone. Now I was ensnared by the peril of pretending. I've found that once we become entangled in the perilous web of pretending, it is difficult to break free. There are usually lies upon lies or as presented "shades of the truth" that have existed for decades and no one dare try to break free because each member has in some way been complicit in the facade that exists.

The peril of pretending is that once you start, it's hard to stop. Do you find yourself caught in a similar web? Is it easier to "go with the flow" rather than deal with what is true? Did you know that you can break through this pattern today by choosing to deal with what is true in your own life? I'm not urging you to "blow the whistle" on anyone in your family or circle of friends. I'm saying that you are responsible for yourself. Is there something you've been pretending about for the sake of your image? your family? your Christian witness?

It's time to come clean. Jesus is waiting. He always dealt harshly with the "posers" of His day, but He had an abundance of grace for those who humbly came before Him, admitting who they really are.